


Fragments of Us

by browney3dgirl6



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Birthday Fluff, Blood, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fluff and Smut, High School, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Smut, Song Lyrics, Surfing, Surfing Competitions, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, Vomiting, deran is a dog daddy, missing each other, one bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 43,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27767620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/browney3dgirl6/pseuds/browney3dgirl6
Summary: Adrian can't see Deran or talk to him, no one can. Smurf won't help him this time-Deran's simply stuck with the consequences. Adrian reaches out to Deran, but he doesn't expect him to reciprocate the notion, he's learned not to over the years. Deran wants to be that guy for Adrian, the one he can depend on and not be afraid of, but no one's ever taught him how to be that person. They're both young and have so many mixed feelings between them. It's hard enough to be friends, let alone anything more.
Relationships: Deran Cody/Adrian Dolan
Comments: 20
Kudos: 58
Collections: Animal Kingdom ▶ Deran Cody / Adrian Dolan





	1. Me Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been holding onto this one for awhile now and thought it was finally time to share it. I've had ideas in my head for a multi-chapter fic for these boys and this is what I came up with; hope you enjoy!
> 
> More chapters to come (:

**-Adrian-**

It had been two weeks-two weeks since he’d heard his raspy voice, ran his fingers through his long blonde locks, or smelled his intoxicating scent of ocean, mixed with nicotine.

Adrian glared out the school windows from where he sat at his desk, thinking only thoughts of him. He couldn’t believe Smurf had let this happen; how could she just leave him in there like that? Deran was strong and could fend for himself, he was a Cody after all, but he shouldn’t have to. If Smurf left him there, she had a reason, and whatever that reason may be caused bile to rise up in Adrian’s throat.

He simply waved at the teacher as he frantically bolted from the classroom and made his way to the bathroom. The heavy door slammed shut behind him and he rushed straight to the sink, hovering over it with a hand gripped on each side. Nothing would come up, so he leaned there, taking steady breaths as he could. He suddenly felt trapped which only reminded him of Deran more; Deran had been sent to juvie, left there with no help from Smurf and wasn’t allowed visitors.

Adrian sank to the tile floor and let the tears that had been looming fall down his cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away. He should have been with Deran that night-should be in juvie with him right now, but instead he had pussied out and stayed home to avoid the rage of his father who had practically banned him from seeing the Cody’s, especially Deran.

Adrian pulled his phone from his pocket and stared at the red notification that had began to mock him over the recent weeks. He still couldn’t bring himself to listen to the voicemail, the one that Deran left him that same night. If he’d answered he wouldn’t have been able to say ‘no’ to that charming voice of his, so he’d let it go to voicemail, never getting the chance to listen to it before he got the news of his arrest. Craig had called him late that night and Adrian had answered almost immediately, knowing something was wrong with Deran.

All Craig had told him was that Deran had been hauled off and that Smurf wasn’t bailing him out this time. Adrian thought he was joking and figured he’d see Deran the next day for their usual Saturday morning surf; when he didn’t show, reality soon set in.

Adrian stood and made his way back to the sink, splashing cold water over his face. He glanced up into the mirror but only saw Deran’s rugged face in the reflection. He shook his head to clear the vision and began to make his way back to class. There had to be a way he could talk to Deran; the juvenile system wouldn’t allow for visitors other than guardians, and if Deran had phone privileges Adrian doubted he’d use them to call him, especially since Adrian had ignored his last one.

The school day dragged on and the last bell sounded finally ending another long day. Adrian rode his skateboard home on autopilot as he let his mind wander back to thoughts of his surfer boy.

When he arrived at his house, he picked up his board and trudged up the stairs; he opened the wooden door and stepped inside. His mom greeted him warmly from the kitchen, “Hey baby, how was school?” He cringed at her use of _that_ word but didn’t have the heart to correct her; at least his mother said it endearingly.

He smiled softly at her as he passed by, going straight to his room, flopping down on his bed. He didn’t hear her footsteps approach, just her voice from the doorway. “Rough day at school honey?” Adrian let a heavy sigh fall out; he shrugged his shoulders, not bothering to roll over and face her. He could sense her lingering in the doorway, like she was unsure of what to do-he didn’t expect what came out of her mouth next.

“It’s ok to miss him Adrian.” He twisted around so quickly he almost rolled straight off the bed right to the floor. His dark blues were wide open, and he stared at his mother anxiously.

_Did she know, or was she just refiring to their ‘friendship’?_

Adrian felt the air leaving his lungs again and turned away from her as moisture began to rise in his eyes once more. His mom tried again, “I know you can’t visit him, but maybe you could write him a letter? It’s old fashioned, but it might be nice?” Adrian turned back to her, raising his eyebrows as he considered her idea. They both jumped as the front door slammed open, signaling the arrival of his father. His mom smiled at him quickly, “There’s stamps in the kitchen drawer if you need any.” With that, she was gone and Adrian soon found himself seated at his desk staring at a blank piece of paper.

His father poked his head in shortly after, “That’s my boy, getting straight to work I see. Make sure you have it done by dinner son.” Adrian glanced to his doorway but his dad was gone, already having brushed him off for the night.

He looked to his jar of pens and pencils, deciding a pencil was safer to erase the many mistakes he was bound to write; though it didn’t seem to matter as he couldn’t find a worthwhile eraser.

Putting pencil to paper, he wrote whatever came to mind; it took him about an hour with all of the attempted erasing and eventual crossing out of lines he regretted writing, having to change his wording at the last minute. He folded the finished letter and placed it in an envelope, tucking it under his pillow for safekeeping until he could mail it out in the morning.

As he lay there that night, he read the letter over once more, letting his mind drift to sleep.

‘ _Hey D, remember that night, you know the one where we stayed out until morning? I wish we could do that again. . .”_


	2. The First One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran's stuck in juvie with no way out or help from Smurf. Everyone wants to know what he's feeling or thinking but no one he cares enough to tell, that is until he receives a letter one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok folks here's chapter two, this time we get to see things from Deran's perspective.
> 
> Enjoy (:

**-Deran-**

“Cody! Let’s go, get a move on it!”

Deran groaned from his lumpy bed, rolling over onto his back. It had only been three weeks and he oddly started to miss Smurf’s gentle voice and soft touch when she would wake him up in the mornings. Though, he remembered how some of those touches went further than he liked-he shook the thought off.

He rose from the stiff mattress and made his way to the showers to get ready for the day. About twenty minutes later, after he’d made himself presentable and had an almost edible breakfast, he was seated in his desk, waiting for Mr. Mack to begin today’s lesson.

Deran thought Juvie was worse than actual school because he couldn’t ditch or have Smurf write him a note to get him out of it-he was just stuck. He’d begged Smurf to get him out of this hellhole but she said there was ‘nothing she could do about it’ and he would have to serve his time. _Such bullshit._ He knew Smurf had most of the cops on her payroll, so she had to be punishing him, though he didn’t know why.

Somewhere in the middle of Mr. Mack’s lesson on Hamlet, whoever that was, Deran zoned out to thoughts of a certain freckled boy. He hadn’t been able to see or communicate with Adrian for three painstaking weeks, and his fingers itched to feel his touch.

They were supposed to hang out that night, the night he got arrested, but Adrian had bailed on him at the last minute. When Deran had called him later he hadn’t picked up or responded back. It was part of the reason why Deran got in trouble to begin with. He was pissed off at Smurf. Deran wanted to get away for the night with the _one_ person who always calmed him, and when that didn’t happen, he became even more irritated.

Deran hadn’t realized what he was doing until it was too late and the cops were dragging his ass to the ground. Stealing cars was an easy gig for the Cody’s; they racked up cars for each of the various jobs Smurf provided. The difference was, he always had backup-that’s where he’d fucked up that night. He was too in his head about everything that he didn’t bother to scope out the surrounding area first. He’d simply picked the most expensive car on the street and went to work, hoping for a nice joyride in his victory. It hadn’t helped that they’d found a joint on him; he had been saving it for Adrian when he’d hoped he would still come.

Now here he sat, three weeks into his five-month sentence.

Someone cleared their throat from above him, Mr. Mack, knocking him out of his thoughts. “Am I boring you Mr. Cody?” Deran snickered at him but kept his smartass comments to himself; Mr. Mack was his favorite teacher here and the only one who seemed to give an actual shit. The older man sat on the desk in front of him-everyone else had moved on to their next class.

“So, what seems to trouble my favorite student today?” Mr. Mack asked sarcastically, yet genuinely. Deran smirked up at him once more, “Oh you know, nothing a good night’s sleep on a shitty bed can’t help.” The teacher smiled at him, nodding; “Well you better get a move on to your next class, but I’d like you to stop by here at the end of your day. I’ll make sure it’s approved by the big boss.” Deran arched an eyebrow; Mr. Mack simply smiled as the next group of delinquents began to enter. He made his way out and was met with a guard who led him to his next class.

The remainder of his day passed the same as it had for the last few weeks: class, lunch, more classes, and his least favorite-group time. Group time was awful and worse than any punishment Smurf had made him and his brothers endure thus far.

They were made to sit in small groups where they were asked to share their feelings; Deran’s insides cringed just at the thought. What the fuck did he care what these people felt or what they thought of him? The whole concept made him nauseous. It was the one mark he had on his papers-for lack of participation, that, and maybe a simple scuffle or two he’d gotten in since arriving.

Deran sat with his head placed between his hands, arms leaning on his elbows. He tried to drown out the noise of his fellow inmates, but it was a useless task. There was the crier-the one who sobbed and begged for forgiveness every five seconds, then there was the ‘I didn’t do it’ person who never owned up to anything-even when caught in the act, and then there was Deran’s favorite-the cocky guy who would literally admit to anything, taking blame without giving a shit about the consequences; that was something Deran could respect. The rest of them sort of blended in; he didn’t notice anything special about them one way or the other.

He was interrupted from his observations when Ms. Roe called him out. “Mr. Cody, care to join us? How about you share one thing about your day?” Deran sighed with annoyance as he lifted his head up, letting his arms drop to his sides. He gave her a brash smile, glancing around the circle, “Yea, got nothin’ for ya.” A few of the kids snickered along with him; the bell rang signaling the end of group and the end of the academic part of his day. Deran was already halfway out the door when he heard Ms. Roe calling him back. _Fuck._

He threw his head back dramatically, turning to meet her once more. She held out a composition notebook, waiting for Deran to take it. “What the hell is this?” The teacher chose to ignore his language, answering him simply instead; “It’s a journal, to write in.” Deran looked at her questioningly so she continued on, “I figure if you won’t talk to me, maybe you can write your thoughts down.” Before he could protest, she added, “Look Deran, I know you have this ‘tough guy façade’ you have to upkeep, but if you don’t start putting in the work, they could up your sentencing and neither of us want that.” She looked at him sympathetically, “Just write whatever comes to mind and I will check to see that you wrote in it and give you credit, but I promise not to read it, deal?”

Deran bit the inside of his lip unsure how to answer. He snatched the journal from her hand and got out of there, making his way back to Mr. Mack’s class. One of the officers stopped him on the way, checking to see if it had been approved, then escorted him the rest of the way.

He walked through the open door, and leaned on a desk across form Mr. Mack’s. The teacher smiled at him brightly, “Well I see you made your way back here, must mean you had a decent day hmm?” Deran rolled his eyes; he was done with everyone’s bullshit and just wanted to get back to his so-called room for whatever rec time he had left.

“Can we just get this over with…I’m missing my rec time.” Mr. Mack reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a long white envelope, setting it atop his desk. “They didn’t want to give this to you on the basis that you haven’t been completing all of your assignments here, but I assured them it might help motivate you.” Deran scoffed, “Yea a letter from my mom is _really_ gonna make me want to share my fuckin' feelings.” He hopped off the desk and was almost to the door when he heard Mr. Mack say, “What about a friend? A, Mr. Dolan?”

Deran skidded to a complete stop, his heart beating rapidly. He tried to compose himself before he turned around and made his way back over to the desk. Deran held his hand out eagerly, but the teacher hesitated. “What’s that you’ve got under your arm?” He could give a shit less, all he cared about was getting that letter in his hands.

“It’s a stupid journal, who gives a shit?” Mr. Mack hummed softly, “Well, maybe you can respond to this letter in there?” Deran got the slight feeling his teachers had been coercing with one another, though at this particular moment he didn’t care.

He pushed his hand closer, “Well are you going to hand it over or what?” His teacher chuckled to himself but finally handed the letter to him and Deran grasped it firmly, racing back to his room as fast as the security guards would allow.

He dashed into his block, heading straight for his bunk on top, wasting no time tearing the envelope open. Deran flopped onto his stomach, facing away from the opening to gain some privacy-everyone else was in the rec room or outside for the time being.

A folded piece of paper drifted out of the envelope and into Deran’s eager hand. He began to unfold the paper but stopped suddenly as his nerves kicked in. What if Adrian was done with him? Or worse; what if he found a new. . . best friend?

He considered shoving the note under his pillow and joining the others, but knew he wouldn’t relax until he saw what Adrian had written. With the paper in his hands again, he took a few deep breaths before pulling the corners apart. Neat handwriting was displayed before him; Adrian had always had perfect handwriting, at least to Deran who always copied his notes.

Deran closed his blues, taking one last inhale before he took the letter in, reading it over several times, absorbing his every written word.

_~_

_Hey D,_

_Guess I should start by saying sorry, you know for not answering that day and everything…_

_Remember that night, you know that one where we stayed out until morning? **(**_ **Deran did)**. _I wish we could do that again. The surf’s been pretty shitty lately, ~~not that I really~~_

 _ ~~have anyone to go with~~ -my parents grounded me anyway. _ **(Assholes)** _So yea, schools been school, not that you go or anything..._ **(prick)** _I’ve seen your brothers around, well_

_Craig really. He stopped by Taos’ the other day when I was there, says Smurf won’t go visit you or some bullshit. I don’t know, maybe she can’t’ ~~but I would~~ -she should try harder. There’s a surf comp this weekend I’ll be at. Guess I’ll have to let some other asshole win (;_

_But seriously, there won’t be any competition without you there…what can I say, we’re the best!_

_Well I’m sure you think this whole letter thing is lame as hell, but I didn’t_ ~~want you to think you were alone-~~ _know how else to talk to you seeing as you can’t have visitors. Hopefully they don’t think this is contraband, ha._

 _Ok disclaimer: person in charge if you’re reading this everything in here is 100% legal, I swear! Ok, we should be covered now!_ **(such a dork)**

_I know 5 months seems like a long time but it won’t be forever. As soon as you’re out I’ll be kicking your ass on the water Cody! Um ok, that’s it, just wanted to see how you were doing. Maybe you can write me back? It’s cool if you don’t though…I get it. I’ll talk to you later yea?_

_~Adrian aka you’re best friend_

_P.S. I miss you asshole_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Chapter 3 up next week?
> 
> Find me on tumblr: browney3dgirl6


	3. More than Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to hear from both boys in this chapter.   
> Adrian remembers that night, the one that changed everything. Deran deals with life in juvie and the realization of what he's missing out on being locked up. He misses Adrian but doesn't know what to do with that, he never has. 
> 
> **I will be adding tags as the story progresses so make sure to take a look at them for tw**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 3!   
> The title for this one is based on the song 'Can't look away by Seafret' it somewhat fits the theme of this chapter so give it a listen if you want. Enjoy (:

**-Adrian-**

Adrian couldn’t seem to find sleep no matter how long he laid there or what position he tried-his brain wouldn’t shut off.

A week had passed and he still hadn’t heard from Deran. It was easier to convince himself that Deran never received the letter as opposed to he had read it, and simply didn’t care enough to respond.

He tossed the covers back as more of something to do than actually being hot. There was a cold spot where Deran’s head would lay on those rare nights they spent together, or rather, when Deran ‘accidentally’ fell asleep; he always left by the time Adrian woke. He sighed to himself, hoping that mentioning one of those nights in his letter didn’t deter Deran from writing back.

It was almost a year ago last summer; they were both on the verge of sixteen and had managed to escape their families for the night. They met out by the skate ramps, always craving some sort of board activity. The night was one of those perfect summer nights where the heat had dissipated and a soft wind brought in the cool ocean air.

Adrian and Deran skated in sink just as they did with surfing, always knowing the next ones moves, but not that night; that night changed _everything_.

~

_They skated all along the beams and different ramps, always trying to one up the other with and added bonus to each trick, which lead to an endless competition between them._

_During one of their many attempts to outdo the other, they collided into one another, Deran landing on top of Adrian. Adrian figured they’d play-wrestle and give each other shit like they always did, but instead Deran stared down at him, his blues radiating._

_Adrian knew for quite some time his feelings about Deran were more than friend-based, but he never dared act on them. The intense gaze Deran held on him caused his breath to halt in his chest-he couldn’t look away. Adrian would’ve been less shocked if a semitruck came out of nowhere and crashed into them than what Deran did next._

_Deran moved his face closer, so close that his hair brushed Adrian’s neck; he could feel Deran’s heated breaths as they came out jaggedly. Adrian’s own breathing came out uneven when Deran’s lips brushed his, his stubble tickling his chin. Deran’s mouth was tentative at first; he was afraid to move his lips but just as afraid not to. When Adrian’s mouth began to move in sync with his, Deran’s hunger took over and he began to kiss him roughly, shoving his tongue in and playing with Adrian’s eagerly. Deran’s fervent hands pulled him up so that Adrian was straddling his lap. Their breaths were hot and jagged as they took each other in, Deran holding Adrian’s face possessively while Adrian drug his hands through Deran’s long locks._

~

Adrian didn’t know how it ended or who pulled apart first, only that he found it difficult to breathe without him and he always would from then on.

Deran had lit a joint and they passed it back and forth, just lying next to each other as the night turned to day. Adrian can’t remember ever discussing that day, only that things had progressed between them after that. He didn’t know why he put that in the letter; he just wanted Deran to feel the same way he did whenever the memory played in his head.

A chill from his window caused him to pull his blankets back over him; he fell asleep with thoughts of a blue-eyed boy staring down at him, watching over him.

**-Deran-**

Deran let an entire week pass before he got up the courage to touch pen to paper. He kept Adrian’s letter close, yet tucked away, reading it whenever he got the chance.

He was feeling particularly shitty today as he had most of the past week; Adrian’s birthday was coming up. Their birthdays were mere weeks apart and it was something they always celebrated together ever since they were kids.

It was after that realization that Deran decided he needed to write Adrian back, even if it was just something lame like ‘happy birthday’. Almost every attempt he made got crossed out. Ms. Roe had actually given him credit for it though, amazed he’d even bothered to open the thing. She told him that it would take a lot more to put him in the green zone, but it was a good start.

It was rec time; Deran was seated outside on one of the benches with the notebook in his hands and a pen clipped between his teeth. Thoughts of Adrian swirled around his head. Adrian had asked if he remembered ‘that night’-he couldn’t forget it. Deran didn’t know why he’d finally decided to act on his feelings that night, just that he never wanted the moment to end once it had started.

Adrian’s lips were soft and his tongue had played with Deran’s, eager for more. Deran couldn’t remember who stopped kissing who first, only that he’d found it a little harder to breathe without him from then on.

~

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice the other boys coming up behind him until they had surrounded him. He glanced up to see a taller boy and two smaller guys, appearing to be the henchmen. Deran stayed where he was, not showing any signs of weakness as his Cody genes had taught him. The one who appeared to be in charge started in first. “Hey fag-boy, writing in your diary huh?” Deran flared his nostrils, glaring at the boy in challenge. The leader reached a hand toward the journal. “Let’s just see what twinkle- toes has written in here.” Deran pinched the notebook between his fingers, leaning towards the tall boy, “You don’t want to do that.”

Next thing he knew, the two smaller boys pounced on him while the other guy played as a body shield, blocking the guards’ view. Taking another hit to the face, Deran reached around himself, tucking the journal safely in the waist of his pants. Once that was out of the way, his Cody adrenaline kicked in and he swung his fist to knock out the one on his right then his left, sending them sailing to the asphalt with a string of curses. Once they were down, the one playing leader stepped up to the plate, catching Deran square in the jaw before he had time to react. Deran was faster though and had years of experience being the baby of his family; he did a roundhouse kick on the giant, bringing him down to his level. Fists and blood were flying in all directions as each boy fought for the upper hand.

It ended all at once when three guards came over to haul them off and away from each other. Half an hour later, Deran sat in Mr. Mack’s class for the second time that day, icepack to his jaw as blood still covered his knuckles and ran down his arms.

He could see Mr. Mack watching him out of the corner of his eyes, shaking his head his direction. Deran had already spouted off to anyone who would listen that he didn’t start it and that he was absolutely _not_ writing in a stupid fucking journal anymore.

Mr. Mack cleared his throat, “So Mr. Cody, are you ready to talk now, constructively that is?” Deran let out a heavy sigh; he leaned back in the chair and rubbed a hand over his face, wincing at the sting of his open wounds.

Deran met his teachers gaze but refused to offer any further input on the matter. Mr. Mack took pity on him, starting the conversation once more. “Look Deran, I know you’re not a bad kid, and regardless of who did or _didn’t_ start this, fighting is unacceptable and will only lead you to further consequences.” He paused briefly before continuing on. “I understand that writing your feelings doesn’t seem very ‘cool’, but neither does talking about them-which you seem to want to do even less. You have to start putting in the work if you wish to change the outcome.”

Deran held his tongue while Mr. Mack pulled a small folded paper from his back pocket and held it out to Deran who looked at him questioningly. “This seems to have fallen from your pocket during the fight. It must be a meaningful letter for you to carry it on you.” Deran snatched Adrian’s letter from the man and spat out, “You don’t know shit!”

His teacher remained calm in his reply, “Maybe so, but it seems this person does. I have to see an attitude adjustment before I can send you back to your room, so I’m going to step outside that door and give you some time. It would be wise to write something…maybe a response to that letter you’re so protective over?” He walked past Deran, setting the composition book on his desk, and left without another word.

Deran spent about another twenty minutes sulking before he traded his icepack for a pen. He tried not to think too much as he opened the journal and began to write. He started it out in the only way he knew how: _‘Hey A.’_ a drop of blood hit the paper and smeared as Deran tried to hastily wipe it away. Giving up, he sighed with annoyance but went on. _‘So, yea, sorry bout the blood, just a typical day over here…kidding, sorta.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll be posting chapters weekly. I don't have a specific day in mind, just whenever I get around to editing them, but I do have several more to post (:
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: browney3dgirl6


	4. No Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrian tries to enjoy his summer break, thought it's just not the same without his partner in crime. Deran struggles with juvie and making better choices to secure his release date. Adrian's sister comes into town for a visit, and it's a good distraction-for awhile. If Deran's going to get through this, he needs his best friend, desperately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on, every chapter will include both their POV.  
> Like the last chapter, this title also comes from a song: No Answers by one of my favorite bands, Amber Run. The lyrics really stuck out to me for the end of this chapter if you feel like giving it a listen.
> 
> Enjoy!!
> 
> Side note: all of Deran's grammar mistakes are his and his alone (:

**-Adrian-**

Another week had come and gone, and Adrian’s letter still remained unanswered. School was out for the summer but it wasn’t the same without Deran there. Sure, he had Ox, Colby, and their other friends, but Deran was the one who kept them together and they all knew it.

It was his birthday today which normally had him in high spirits; this year he could have cared less. All he could think about was Deran and the fact that his birthday was coming up as well; it was something they loved sharing. His mom had wished him a happy birthday that morning, followed by a lecture from his father on how he was almost a man and had better start acting like one. There were no presents, cake, or later festivities planned; without Deran, Adrian was on his own.

Their group of friends had picked him up mid-morning and treated him to a day of surfing and chilling on the beach. It was sweet of them, really, but Adrian had difficulty enjoying any of it. He thanked them overenthusiastically when they dropped him back off later that night. His dad was passed out on the couch, bottles crowding the table in front of him. Adrian sighed to himself and made his way to his room, hoping he didn’t wake the monster.

On his desk he found a store-bought cupcake with a note attached. His face lit up for a moment; he opened the plastic container and took a bite of the chocolate cake as he began to read the attached note:

_‘Happy Birthday my boy. I am so proud of who you’ve become! Love you always-mom <3_

_P.S. a letter came for you, it’s in your top drawer.’_

Adrian nearly choked on the cupcake as he read that last line over again. He yanked his desk drawer open in a hurry, almost pulling it out of place. At the front was a white envelope, just like his mom said. It was addressed to Adrian and in the top left-hand corner was Deran’s name.

He picked the letter up and made his way to his bed, tearing it open slowly. After he stared blankly at the folded piece of paper for a few minutes, he finally opened it up and took in Deran’s words. The first thing he noticed was Deran’s adorable, yet sloppy writing, and was that…blood?

_Hey A, so yea sorry bout the blood. Just a typical day here…kidding...sorta. Umm anyway, I don’t really know what to write in a fuckin’ letter or whatever but my PO says I gotta start sharing my feelings or some shit if I ever wanna get outta here so… guess this is what u get._

_I dunno how all the mail shit works...Smurf does that, but umm I no ur bdays comin up soon so HAPPY BIRTHDAY and shit! Wish we could surf together or something like usual but guess I fucked that up…_

_U no I’ll take u on any day Dolan, don’t need no excuse to kick ur ass! I’m sure u kicked ass at the surf comp though, yea?_

_It’s cool u wanna see me or whatever…Smurfs being a dick bout all of it man. But shit if u wanna send me some contraband u know where I keep the good stuff :P_

_Well that’s all the feelings I got today-gotta go get stitched up_ * **more blood stains***

_Guess I won’t hate if u wrote again, but its whatever...um ok bye...idk how u end a fuckin’ letter._

_-D_

_P.S. (whatever the fuck that means) I remember…and I’m not mad at u... just myself._

~

Adrian finally had that giddy feeling that generally accompanied his birthday. The last line gave him chills no matter how many times he read it over. Deran didn’t say he missed him, but this was almost better, because for the first time, Deran was acknowledging that something happened-that _they_ were something.

It pained him to know Deran was hurting-he’d rather Deran blame him.

He couldn’t have asked for a better gift and silently thanked the mail service for getting it to him today of all days. The rest of the letter was _so_ Deran and Adrian could almost picture how tense he was writing out his ‘feelings’. He chuckled to himself as he read it over again.

Adrian kept Deran’s words close that night, falling asleep with the hope that this was a step forward for them, whatever that meant.

**-Deran-**

Deran received Adrian’s next letter the following week. Of course he was worried about the injuries and wanted to know all about them; Deran reassured him in his next letter. They were scabbing up and starting to heal; he’d managed not to get in any other fights since.

It was summer time now. Deran should be out surfing the fat waves and skating the night away, but apparently, he really was in a prison-they still made him attend daily classes. These ones were worse than the usual bullshit-almost all dealt with sharing your feelings or doing some kind of group kumbaya shit. The worst was the meditation exercises; Deran couldn’t believe anyone actually bought into that.

The next few months passed with much the same. Deran saved every letter he got from Adrian, using them as motivation to keep on track for his release date. Sometimes Adrian would send two letters as the first one had gone unanswered. Deran knew he was an asshole but it killed him to write bullshit to Adrian that didn’t really matter at the end of the day.

All he wanted was to hold him tight and smash their lips together until all they were breathing was each other. He hated Adrian for making him have those thoughts and hated himself for having them even more; he really was fucked up.

**-Adrian-**

It was mid-July and Deran had officially been gone for three months now. These had been the longest months of Adrian’s life and he still had two more to go.

His sister was in town visiting which proved to be a great distraction from it all. Jess had always been his favorite and the only one who shared a similar distaste for their father. While his parents were at work that day, they occupied themselves outback with boardgames, passing a joint back and forth in-between. He usually saved that activity for when he was with Deran, but he could use the high at the moment.

Jess had been there about a week. She'd managed thus far not to ask Adrian any grilling questions-until now that is. “So, baby brother, what could possibly have you so glum during your favorite time of year?” He played dumb, laughing nonchalantly her direction. She raised an eyebrow at him, obviously not buying it as she continued, “You know, I’ve noticed a lack of a certain blonde-haired blue-eyed boy around here lately.”

Adrian gulped and quickly let out a cough to suppress the noise. Jess eyed him again, willing him to answer. He cleared his throat, “Uhm, yea, he’s sorta…in juvie at the moment.” His sister hummed thoughtfully, “Can’t his mom, Smurf, or whatever get him out of there?” Adrian pulled his lips together and raised his brows, “I guess she’s trying to teach him a lesson or something.” Jess’ reply was cut off with the ringing from Adrian’s phone; he looked at his screen but didn’t recognize the number. “I should probably take this, put in a couple applications recently.” Jess smiled at him casually as he walked out toward the porch, clicking accept on the call.

“Hello? This is Adrian.” Silence on the other end as static rang through the phone line. Adrian tried again. “Hello? Is someone there?” He heard noises like someone was moving around. He was about to call out again when he heard the last voice he ever expected come through his speaker.

“Hey, can you hear me?” Adrian all but dropped the phone; his throat dried completely.

“Hello? Adrian, are you there?” Adrian composed himself as best he could before responding, “Deran…?” He heard him chuckle across the line and it felt like he could finally breathe again.

“Yea man, it’s me. Don’t got much time but figured I’d see what was up or whatever.” Adrian wasn’t sure how to reply but he wanted to keep the conversation light. “Umm yea man, just hanging out with Jess. You steal a burner phone or somethin’?” This time he heard Deran’s genuine laugh vibrate through the phone; he slid down the porch railing so he could sit and soak it in.

“Can neither confirm nor deny.” Adrian shook his head, knowing Deran would picture him doing so. “Ok Mr. Goody two-shoe, I promise I’ll put it back soon.” Adrian wanted to join in the fun with him but suddenly felt overwhelmed, the last few months crashing down on him.

“Why haven’t you written me back?” He could hear Deran’s breath hitch and he took a moment to respond. “I’m an asshole, ok? I fuckin’ hate it here man. It’s literally like a prison.”

Adrian couldn’t help but snicker this time, “Well it _is_ juvie man.” He took a minute so he could emphasize his next words. “Just…just promise me you’ll never know what prisons really like?” Deran’s voice became very serious, “I promise.” Adrian breathed a small sigh of relief.

“Look man I should probably get off here before someone catches me and I have to do more time or some shit. I’ll be home soon though yea?” Adrian sighed heavily into the speaker, “Yea,” he trailed off not knowing what else to say. It was Deran who breathed out wearily this time, “Don’t. Just, I…I need you to say it’ll be ok.” Adrian closed his eyes tight, feeling Deran’s pain radiate through the phone. “Ok, it’ll be ok Der…we’ll be ok.”

He could hear Deran clear his throat, almost as if he was trying to stifle back sobs. They sat there in silence for a few, syncing their breathing to one another-not saying anything yet saying everything they couldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! There is lots more to come (:  
> I'm thinking of posting the next two chapters next week as a Christmas gift, or should I skip a week so you don't miss anything during the holidays?? 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: browney3dgirl6


	5. It's Been a Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran's been locked up for months now and both boys are having their own challenges with this. Adrian wants him home, but he doesn't know what exactly that entails. They continue to send letters back and forth, though they can tell the other is off, even through writing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 is here everyone!   
> This one has both boys a bit down. The title comes from the song: Give by You Me At Six. This song goes perfectly with this chapter, especially the lines: 'It's been a day, felt like an age, since I've seen you' and 'I've been wasting all this time trying to keep you off my mind'
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ***tags have been updated for warnings***

**-Adrian-**

The end of August had arrived which meant Deran had officially been away for almost four of his five-month sentence.

Deran hadn’t called again, though he had finally sent some letters. Most of them were the same, not mentioning anything too personal or any heavy topics, and to Adrian’s relief-no blood. That changed when he received Deran’s next letter; it held a different Deran, a more vulnerable one. He didn’t even address Adrian in this one, just went straight into things. Adrian read it over once more.

~

_‘Fuck I hate it here so much man! U no they said I gotta be on some probation shit once I’m out? Can’t catch a damn break here man. Smurf refuses to get me out of here or even answer a fuckin’ phone call._

_I swear I’m never going back to her, just get out and get the hell away from her…away from it all. I dunno I’m sick of her shit, I really am._

_Shit this letter’s depressing me man…I just hate it here. I hate everything right now._

_Just tell me something, anything that doesn’t make me wanna blow my fucking brains out…if I have to talk about my goddamn feelings one more time man…ughh_

_-D_

_P.S. (ur gonna have to explain this one day) I miss u to asshole_

~

If last lines could kill, it would definitely be Deran’s. He would make you suffer through an entire letter of bitterness just to end it with shit like that. Adrian didn’t know if he wanted to hug him or punch him-probably a little of both if he was being honest. Deran was no ray of sunshine sure, but he never sounded this despondent. Adrian knew juvie must really be taking a tole on him, he just hoped Deran would get out of there before it damaged him further-October couldn’t come soon enough.

He was almost as nervous for Deran to stay locked up as he was for him to be released. He had his doubts about how Deran would act once there weren’t any walls between them-the literal ones, not the figurative ones which were bound to stay. Deran hadn’t always been the best towards him, especially concerning the non-platonic part of their relationship. It was easy to brush some of that away with him gone; once he was out all of that would change.

It was late, or really early, however you wanted to perceive it. Adrian sat beneath the pier watching the waves roll in and out. This was one of their favorite spots; they’d often find each other there, not having told the other where they’d be.

He picked up his phone and scrolled down his voicemail log until he found the one he was looking for. In all these months he’d still never listened to the message Deran left him that last night he was free, the night they were supposed to meet up. Adrian had been thinking about it more and more as of late, finally deciding tonight was the night. He picked this spot to listen to it so he could feel closer to him, like they weren’t miles apart.

Shutting his eyes, he took in a deep breath and exhaled before pressing play on the message.

‘ _Adrian? Adrian? Aww shit it’s your voicemail._ ***pauses*** _Where the hell are you man, you said you’d be here._ ***longer pause*** _Just please come…I, fuck. I just wanna see you ok?’_

He could hear Deran sigh wearily before the message faded out and the phone was hung up.

As his eyes filled with moisture, Adrian hated himself that much more. _Why couldn’t he just have gone that night?_ He slammed his head back against the pole, regretting it instantly as his head began to throb. If he’d met Deran that night he could be sitting right next to him in juvie. The thought didn’t sound all that bad at the moment considering how things were going for him at home. Things with Deran were difficult enough; he didn’t need shit at home too.

He shook his head as he thought back to the conversation he had with his parents the other week. Jess had been the one to convince him he should tell them, stating that she already knew and would always love him no matter what. Coming out to his parents had been a different story; his mom had sobbed uncontrollably and his dad all but kicked him out-it really was turning into the best summer of his life.

Adrian chuckled manically to himself, thinking, or rather praying, that things could only go up from here.

**-Deran-**

The last days of summer were approaching and Deran was itching to get out; his adrenaline had been sky-high this last week.

He’d managed to get into the green zone over the past month-he actually felt proud of that. Of course, he didn’t mention any of his real problems or feelings. He kept the sharing strictly to the things he’d done to get himself there, and how he planned not to engage in those sorts of activities again. Everyone in there knew who Smurf was and thought it was all bullshit, but the people in charge seemed to buy it, which was all he needed.

He was sitting outside for his rec time, enjoying the warm sunshine, a slight breeze whooshing through his hair, when he heard someone call, “Cody!” His head twisted around to spot Mr. Mack waving him over. He couldn’t imagine what he’d fucked up this time. He slowly lifted himself from the bench and made his way toward the teacher.

As he approached, Mr. Mack used his arm to usher him inside. Deran let the teacher guide him to one of the offices, stopping just before the door. Deran raised his brows his direction, Mr. Mack placed a hand on the doorknob. “You have a visitor Deran. Fifteen minutes is the max, and I’ll be right outside the door ok?” Deran felt his whole body becoming jello-like and he had to stick an arm out to catch himself on the wall. There were about a thousand thoughts racing through his mind of who could be in that room and what they wanted.

Mr. Mack tapped him lightly on the shoulder, “Deran, are you alright? I can-” Deran waved him off quickly, not needing anymore setbacks on his chart. “I’m fine, must’ve been that shitty meatloaf at lunch or something.” Mr. Mack didn’t quite buy it, but moved forward to open the door for him. Deran held his breath until he could see the person sitting there, and while it wasn’t who he was hoping for, it wasn’t Smurf either-thank god.

“Yo D, what’s up man!” His big brother instantly grabbed him up in a bearhug, giving him no choice in the matter, but it felt good to be held-even if just by his brother. Craig nodded at Mr. Mack who closed the door slightly to allow them some privacy.

“So, what’s up man? How’re they treating you? They feed you in here? You look scrawny as hell!”

For the first time in months, Deran felt like he was having a normal conversation, and for maybe the first time in his life he wanted to answer all of Craig’s questions-he didn’t, but the thought was there.

He smiled widely at his older brother. “Yea, well I could still kick your giant ass!” That got both of them laughing and they fell into easy conversation as if nothing had changed. After they got the ‘how are you’s and how everything was going’ out of the way, Deran asked the question they’d both been avoiding. “So, what’s Smurf’s deal man? She plan on leaving me in here forever?” Craig puffed out a breath as he flung his arms outward, “Dunno man, she’s been on a real tirade lately. But she definitely misses you.” Deran snorted, “Yea, sure seems like it.”

They sat in silence for a moment, neither brother knowing what to say. Craig finally decided on, “ _We_ miss you. Me, Pope, Baz...it’s not the same without our baby bro there.” Deran knew it was mostly Craig who missed him, but he appreciated the gesture.

The door squeaked open and Mr. Mack popped his head in, “A few more minutes then time’s up guys.” The brothers nodded his direction, then turned back to each other once more.

“How’d you get in to see me anyway, thought Smurf was the only one allowed?” Craig winked at him, “I’ve got my ways baby bro!” Deran laughed, not bothering to question what his brother did, knowing it probably wasn’t legal.

They said their goodbyes and Deran felt alone again even with Mr. Mack by his side. His teacher cleared his throat and pushed an envelope toward him. “Hopefully this is the last one you’ll get in here Cody.” He smiled at him knowingly and continued on, “Barns will escort you back out.” Deran wasn’t quite sure what that was supposed to mean-he hoped it meant he was getting out soon. Mr. Mack disappeared down the hall and Deran let the guard, Barns, usher him back outside.

No one seemed to mess with him after that fight all those weeks ago as they discovered he wasn’t an easy target. He found a secluded spot and sank down to the ground, tearing open the letter, instantly getting lost in his words.

~

_‘Hey Der, well it’s pretty late here…or early I suppose. Can you guess where I am?_ **(He could)**

_It’s nice out tonight, perfect little breeze and the waves have calmed for the night. The moon is almost full, bright as hell tonight. Pretty clear for the stars too. I think tomorrow’s gonna be a good day for the waves, might have to catch a few for ya :P_

_So, did that help or was that too much ‘feeling’ for you?? Haha._

_Just think, you have what, like a month left? You’ve got this D…I know you do. Well, the sun’s starting to rise so I better get going. You better call me when you get out asshole!_

_-Adrian_

_P.S._ _ß_ _we’ll have full lesson on definition_

_P.P.S. (don’t overthink this one) I just wanna see you too_

~

Something felt off about Adrian’s letter, like he was hiding something or pretending to be cheery just for Deran’s benefit. Maybe he was reading too much into it, but he knew Adrian like the back of his hand, even in written form. The vote of confidence was nice and he could picture their favorite spot perfectly. He wished they were there together instead of miles apart.

He wasn’t sure where that last sentence came from, but could vaguely remember saying that to Adrian at some point.

But seriously, what the _fuck_ is PS, and now Adrian added _another_ P? It was all lost on Deran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post two chapters throughout this last week, but I got busy with all things Christmas. I will however post the next chapter later today. Their reunion is coming soon...promise (:
> 
> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> My tumblr


	6. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Senior year of high school is approaching for Adrian, while Deran is serving his hopefully last month(s) in juvie. Adrian can't wait to graduate and get the hell out of Oceanside; Deran just wants to home...whatever that means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's chapter 6! This is the longest chapter so far; I promise it's worth it (;
> 
> Enjoy!

**-Adrian-**

September had officially arrived, leaving the summer days behind with a new school year upon him. It was senior year and Adrian couldn’t wait to graduate and get the hell out of there. Summer had lasted too long, something Adrian never thought possible. He was ready to get on with his last year of high school, excited he would finally have something to occupy his time.

To his relief, his mom had gone back to treating him as per usual, stating that she was upset with his dad’s reaction, not his coming out. He figured it probably didn’t come as much of a shock to her considering he’d never had a girl over and didn’t often mention women in general. His dad had always been an asshole so not much changed there, except he wouldn’t speak to Adrian, which was fine by him.

Adrian was enjoying the calm of his house while his parents were away on their last camping trip of the summer. His mom had asked him along but he couldn’t see what good would come of him spending a weekend in the woods with his homophobic father. He’d opted to stay home alone to catch up on the summer reading list; maybe catch some waves while the weather still allowed.

After a few hours of reading and completing the chores on his list, he headed to his room to watch some tv. Laying on his bed, nothing caught his attention as he flipped through the channels aimlessly. He finally settled for a surfing documentary, his thoughts traveling elsewhere.

The last surfing competition he did with Deran seemed like ages ago. Craig always had to bring him to and from, though he never really minded. This went on for several summers, until one day Deran just stopped showing up to competitions. Smurf had banned Craig from taking him and that was the end of Deran’s professional surfing career. She needed them for her ‘job’s’, not caring for one second that she was taking Deran away from what could’ve been the career of his lifetime. It also would’ve been his ticket out of there, away from Smurf.

Adrian’s eyes hung heavy. He let his mind fade to the last time he surfed with Deran, letting the waves pull him down.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep for, or even that he’d fallen asleep until something startled him awake. Adrian sat straight up in his bed, his blues blinking as they scurried to adjust to the dark. They started to work just in time to see his door being pushed open and he saw a figure step through.

He leapt from his bed, his eyes darting frantically around the room for some kind of weapon. As the figure stepped forward, he gave up the search and shouted, “I’ve already called the cops!” The figure snickered in the darkness before coming into the light of the moon. “I hope not, cuz I’m not fuckin’ going back there!”

Adrian’s entire body stilled; his eyes were wide open as he took in the intruder before him-Deran.

He was wearing a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up over his head, his blues gleaming through the night. Adrian couldn’t form anything other than his name. Deran inched closer until he was standing right in front of him. He tried again, “How…how are you even here?” Deran smiled and Adrian would’ve sworn the whole room lit up with anticipation.

“Got out early. You said to call, but...” Adrian finished for him, “But you always do what you want.” He rolled his eyes, a smile creeping up his cheeks. Deran didn’t respond. His eyes raked down Adrian’s body which was only covered in gray sweatpants-he suddenly felt naked.

A chill crept down his spine when Deran came even closer, reaching a hand up to brush a thumb over his hairline. This time Adrian visibly shivered, even though he was burning up inside. Deran leaned forward, invading his space. He leaned his forehead on Adrian’s and whispered faintly, “I missed you.” Deran let out a breath, “Fuck.”

Adrian inhaled his intoxicating scent, savoring every note. Deran’s hands snaked down to Adrian’s neck, cupping the skin there beneath his chin, kneading his fingers in smoothly. The dark eyed boy couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. The other boy dug his fingers in further, eventually moving up to cradle his cheek. He pulled Adrian to him in one swift movement, attaching his lips to Adrian’s as he dove in hungrily.

They’d been starved of each other’s taste and touch for _far_ too long; they sank into each other ravenously. Adrian brushed Deran’s hood back so he could take in the full view of his blonde-haired boy, the one he hadn’t seen in months. Deran pushed him down to his bed and climbed atop him, linking his lips back to Adrian’s without hesitation.

They thrust into each other, grinding their hips together, their breaths heating up as they slid their tongues into one another with longing. Adrian reached a hand up to Deran’s chest and pulled the zipper down to expose Deran’s toned abdomen; Deran stripped the rest of it off, letting his jacket fall to the floor without another thought. Wrapping his legs around Deran’s waist, Adrian pulled him in closer until their bare chests met, radiating heat off one another. Their hearts were racing as their insides ignited with a passion- one they only found in each other.

Deran slowed their pace, removing his lips from Adrian’s pleading ones, sliding them slowly down Adrian’s body. He nipped at the skin as he went, emanating sweet sighs from the other boy. Lanky fingers made their way to Adrian’s sweatpants, slowly dipping in under the hem and pushing down further until they grasped Adrian’s hardness. Adrian couldn’t help the gasp that escaped his lips; it had been so long since he’d felt Deran’s touch-the grip alone almost made him come undone.

It didn’t take long before Deran was stripping him of his sweats completely, discarding them somewhere near his jacket on the floor. His dick sprang to life, hard and ready for Deran who bent to suck him down, rubbing at the length he couldn’t fit. Deran bobbed his head up and down Adrian’s length, stopping to lick his slit slowly before sliding back down. Adrian moaned heavily as pleasure coursed through him, his hands fisting at the sheets. He was done with barriers between them. He reached up to pull Deran free of his shorts, pulling down his briefs with them.

Deran ground down into him, shifting his hips to create more friction. Their lips met again and Adrian used his legs to pull him closer once more. Deran growled low in his throat. He reached a hand between them, taking hold of their lengths, stroking them together. Their moans came out in sync as Deran drove them to their release, both of them coming within seconds of the other. They collapsed onto the bed, lying side by side on their backs, panting as they came down from their high.

Moments later, Deran whipped a joint from out of nowhere, fucking Cody’s, and fired it up to pass between them. His parents would be pissed if they knew he was smoking in the house, but he couldn’t think of anything other than pure bliss at the moment.

They didn’t talk for the longest time, just passed the joint back and forth, neither wanting to ruin the moment. Deran hovered over him suddenly, taking a big hit off the joint before leaning down to exhale into Adrian who accepted easily. Deran moved off him again soon after; Adrian reveled in it nonetheless. Over time it had become an intimate activity for them-it was what Deran used to get close to Adrian the first time.

Not being one for silence, Adrian finally broke and turned to face Deran. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” He paused; Deran stared at him with soft eyes. “ _How_ is this even happening? I mean _how_ are you here D?!”

Deran looked away before answering, “I told you…got out early. Good behavior or some shit.” Adrian snorted his direction, “Yea ok, at least make the lie believable man!” The other boy surprised him by laughing too. “I’m serious man, surprised the hell outta me too!” They laughed together, falling into ease with one another.

Deran shifted to his side so he could meet Adrian. “Smurf brought me home. Didn’t want me seeing anyone so I snuck out. I...” He couldn’t seem to finish; Adrian brought a hand up to brush his face finishing for him, “I’m glad you did.”

Their blues were heavy with the weight of the day. They drifted off looking into one another, not wanting to lose sight of the other ever again.

**-Deran-**

His eyes popped open as he woke from a deep sleep; his heart was racing. Deran couldn’t remember where he was, terrified he was still surrounded by brick walls, with nowhere to escape.

He felt hot, too hot and he tried to unglue his body from the heat he was completely tangled in. Adrian, he was in Adrian’s room. He’d molded himself to the back of him, Adrian hugging him tight to his front.

His need to flee the bed subsided and he relaxed back into Adrian’s touch. If Adrian woke up, the need to bolt would come back; he didn’t want to see his dark blues pour into him, asking all the things he could never begin to answer. Even if he wanted to, he didn’t have the answers to give.

~

It was early morning, perfect for catching waves-the other thing Deran’s body had been yearning for.

Adrian’s breathing was steady; he looked so relaxed like all he’d needed was Deran to anchor him and hold him tight. A restless sigh escaped Deran and he tried to still his body once more, eventually giving up, wriggling out of Adrian’s grasp. The other boy stirred immediately at the loss of contact, and Deran felt like an asshole-as usual.

Adrian’s eyes flicked open, landing on Deran’s easily; he smiled softly. Before Adrian could say anything to scare him off, Deran chimed in, “Hey, wanna go surf?” Deran bent to pick up his discarded clothes from the night before, not bothering to meet Adrian’s stare as he answered back, “Yea sure. You can borrow a suit...they’re in the drawer over there.” Deran knew where Adrian kept his things, not needing to turn and look where he pointed to find the drawer Adrian was talking about.

Once they had their suits and a couple boards in tow, they gathered into Adrian’s wagon and headed down to the beach.

The sun had risen not long ago; the waves looked _excellent_. The boys paddled out together, falling into sync easily as they always had. Deran could sense the questions Adrian had looming over him, but he still wasn’t ready to explain any of them. Instead, he did what he always did; he shifted his course so he could cut into Adrian’s path which knocked them both into the waves. That got a smile out of him and a good laugh for Deran as well. They surfed for a while longer, Deran soaking in the water he had been missing for all those months, stealing glances every chance he got at his freckled companion.

When the water began to fill up with others, they made their way back to the shore and sprawled out next to one another.

“Man, I missed that.” Deran smiled over to Adrian, who reciprocated the gesture. “Yea…me too.” Adrian drawled it out, signifying he wasn’t just talking about the waves. Deran looked at him for a moment, but broke off when he started to feel uncomfortable, like he always did when things got real between them.

Adrian let him off the hook by changing the subject to a more neutral topic. “So, you going back to school next week?” Deran barely missed a beat, “Fuck no! I’ve had enough of that shit the last few months to last me a lifetime man.” Adrian chuckled next to him, rolling his eyes, but didn’t press the subject any further.

Deran shifted back toward Adrian; “Ok, so what the fuck does P.S. mean or P.P.S.-whatever bullshit you added on last time.” Adrian threw his head back, beginning to cackle-Deran reached out and swatted him. When he was finally able to compose himself, Adrian went into full nerd mode, explaining the meaning of P.S. and all of its variants. Deran was still clueless by the time he finished, but let him continue on, having missed the sound of his soothing voice.

Sitting there like that with his best friend-with his Adrian-was all he needed, but he knew there were too many unspoken words between them for it to ever be that simple; nothing about his life ever was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's been reading along with this series!! Next chapter will be up towards the end of the week. 
> 
> .my tumblr


	7. We Can't be that Simple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran's out of juvie, Adrian's back at school. Everything has returned to 'normal'. Things should be simple again...that's what they both hoped, but nothing was ever easy for them-they can't be that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter of the new year!! I think you can all guess where this chapter title comes from (;
> 
> ***tags have been updated for tw for this chapter***
> 
> PS. I lied....this chapter is only in Adrian's POV, but I promise they'll both be back for the next one!! Enjoy (:

**-Adrian-**

The next year seemed to fade by. At first, things between them were going smooth, you could say they were simple even. They spent the mornings surfing when the tide allowed; their nights were spent together in any place that warranted them privacy. Those first few months were bliss, until they weren’t. Slowly but surely, their pattern returned as it always did-Adrian knew it would.

With Deran out of juvie and Adrian back at school, things went back to normal quickly. ‘Normal’, meaning that Deran’s newfound attitude quickly slipped away as he fell back into Smurf’s grip once again. Adrian hadn’t expected it to last, he just wished things could be different; he wished Deran would fight harder for them. With Deran in Smurf’s back pocket, he would never be free. They still hung out on a regular basis, only as friends though; Deran never let it go further than that after a while. It wasn’t his ideal, though Adrian was simply happy to have Deran in his life in whatever way; he’d always want more, they both would.

Adrian didn’t see him too often anyway, considering Deran had dropped out of school, for good, while Adrian made it his top priority. He busied himself by taking extra classes and extracurriculars to help shimmy up his transcripts, hopeful he could get into a decent school far away from everything and everyone that caused him pain.

He thought about taking his surfing career forward on its own, but decided to throw school into the mix as well; for once, he could have both.

~

It was a Saturday afternoon, a perfect day to catch some end of the summer waves and one of the few Adrian had free.

Deran was supposed to meet him at the beach over an hour ago now, and he still hadn’t received a text or any indication Deran was still coming. It wasn’t the first time Deran ditched him without explanation; Adrian could add this one to the ever-growing list.

He puffed out a heavy sigh. Smurf’s claws were _so_ deeply ingrained in Deran this time that Adrian hardly recognized him anymore. If her name came up during their conversations, Deran would ignore the comments completely. He usually mocked her or laughed at how ridiculous it all was, but not lately. Deran didn’t seem to be pushing back anymore, like he had just accepted this was the way things were going to be-forever.

The thought of that terrified Adrian; he didn’t know if their friendship, or whatever they were to each other, would survive at this rate. Adrian had mere days until graduation and after that he would be leaving, one way or another. He hadn’t told Deran yet, not that he’d gotten the chance to. Deran would either be pissed or act indifferent about the whole thing-neither of which Adrian was prepared for.

The sun was starting to set; Adrian had officially been waiting there like an idiot for _far_ too long. He hopped up from his spot on the beach and turned around to grab his board, but almost collided with Deran instead.

“D, what the fu-”

Adrian’s blues shot up to Deran’s’ which were wide with panic, blood dripping down into them. Adrian grabbed onto him without thinking about it. He inspected the rest of Deran’s body, checking for any other open wounds or marks. Deran grasped onto his shoulders firmly, pulling Adrian back to meet his gaze. “You have to help me A. I-I…please. I can’t go back.”

His blues pooled with moisture and it took everything in Adrian not to break down right there with him. Adrian inhaled deeply before he responded to him, “Ok Der I will, just-just tell me what you need.”

The sun had gone down, darkness beginning to surround them. Deran’s blues darted all around before he spoke again. “Is anyone at your house?” Adrian nodded his head up and down. There was no way was he sneaking Deran in with his dad around; he didn’t bother to ask about Deran’s place, he obviously wouldn’t be here if that was an option.

There really wasn’t anywhere else for them to go, he just knew they couldn’t stay here. He pulled his board up from the sand and tugged Deran’s wrist, leading him towards the car. They got in quickly, Adrian leaving his wetsuit on with no time to waste as he peeled out of the parking lot, heading anywhere but here.

Deran was breathing wearily beside him, resting his bloody head on the window. Adrian had about a million questions he wanted to ask, though he knew treating Deran’s wound would have to take precedence.

“Der, where am I taking you?” The hospital would be ideal, though Adrian was fairly certain that whatever caused Daren’s injuries was anything but legal.

Deran grunted from the passenger seat. “Fuck. I dunno...just…somewhere no one’s gonna find us.” The answer did little to help Adrian and he knew that was about as much as he would get out of Deran. 

Adrian drove around aimlessly, glancing over to Deran every few seconds. He seemed to be fading in and out, his blues straining to stay open. Afraid he had a concussion, Adrian nudged him every so often to keep him awake. “Adrian can you _please_ find somewhere? I’m gonna be fuckin’ sick bro.” As Deran reached for the door handle, Adrian swerved into an empty parking lot, stopping just before Deran pushed the door open and puked his guts out. Adrian ripped his door open, running straight over to him. He gathered Deran’s messy hair and pulled it back for him as Deran bent to spill his guts once more. Adrian rubbed small circles on Deran’s back while brushing his hair away from his face. Deran must’ve been really out of it, letting Adrian’s hands linger on him like that in a public space, not bothering to swat them away. 

Catching a glimpse of his hands entangled in Deran’s hair, he saw the blood that now smeared them. His adrenaline kicked up again. He needed to stop the bleeding on Deran’s headwound, though he wasn’t exactly equipped for these situations like the Cody’s were.

Looking to his left, Adrian spotted an abandoned building-it used to be a bar or something he thought. He remembers it shut down several months ago, but he was hopeful he could find something of use inside.

Deran stood up slowly, the vomiting subsiding for the moment. He let Adrian guide him toward the building, taking easy steps as they went. They came to an entrance at the back of the building; Adrian tried the door but it was locked and the windows next to it were mostly boarded up. Without hesitation, Deran stepped in front of him and removed his sweatshirt. He wrapped it around his fist and punched straight through the glass window on the doorframe, giving Adrian no time to stop him. Adrian immediately looked around to see if anyone heard, Deran already had the door unlocked. Deran pushed it open and dragged Adrian in with a stern grasp on his wrist.

“Deran what the hell! What if this place had an alarm or someone heard us?” They were almost eighteen; Adrian was _not_ trying to get a breaking and entering charge. Not to mention, Deran was trying to avoid more jail time, which was what had gotten them into this situation in the first place. Deran snorted at him, “Relax man, no one cares about this shithole.” Adrian grimaced at Deran who had found a couch to lie back on. It was fairly dark in the building except for the moonlight that crept through various windows and the back door, which he went over to close.

He stepped back to where Deran laid sprawled out on the couch. Hovering over him, he used the flashlight on his phone to inspect Deran’s injury. Adrian gently brushed back Deran’s mane to reveal a nicely sized gash that started at the base of his left eyebrow and made its way halfway up his forehead. “Jesus Deran, what the hell happened?” Deran snickered softly, “You should see the other guy.” Adrian had to refrain from smacking him, lifting Deran’s t-shirt instead. Before Deran could make any other smartass, remarks Adrian stated, “It’s for your head, we need to stop the bleeding.” That seemed to shut him up. He let Adrian finish removing his shirt and place it over his wound.

“I really think I should take you to the hospital or something man. That cuts deep-you’re gonna need stiches D.” Deran looked him square in the eye, “No hospitals.” Adrian breathed out densely; he had no idea how he was supposed to help Deran in some old ass abandoned bar.

Deran caught his attention again. “This place used to be a bar or whatever, right? They gotta have some first-aid shit around, right?” Adrian figured he probably wasn’t far off base. The bar had closed pretty suddenly when the owner died and his wife moved out of town. The guys wife hadn’t done a lot to the building and it was boarded up soon after, so things might have been left behind. He’d been in there a handful of times with Deran and his brothers, never legally of course, but he remembered the basic layout of the place.

Adrian stood from where he was bent over Deran; “Fine. I’m gonna go look around. Keep pressure on your head.” Deran gave him a weary thumbs-up; Adrian needed to be quick before Deran passed out on him, or something worse.

He went through another door and found himself to be in what was once the kitchen. Glancing around, he moved forward to the backside of the bar hoping he’d find what he was looking for there. Rummaging around, he moved discarded bottles and such out of the way, eventually reaching underneath the counter. Adrian spotted a decent sized first-aid kit and bent to pick it up as well as the flashlight that lay nearby. On his way back to Deran he used the flashlight to guide his way. He stumbled upon the one other thing they would need; he stopped to add it to the pile and went to find Deran.

Deran’s eyes were shut tight when Adrian walked in; he didn’t resist the urge to hit him this time. It was a light slap-Deran deserved it for the shit he was putting Adrian through, again. Deran startled awake, glaring at Adrian; “Fuck, did you just hit me?” Adrian shrugged his shoulders. “You must’ve hit your head harder than I thought.” Deran didn’t question him, but did manage to keep his eyes open after that.

Adrian opened the metal box, digging through it to find anything of use. The box was deep, filled with tons of band-aids, some antiseptic wipes, expired Tylenol-nothing that looked like it would seal a wound.

Deran popped up from beside him, “All you need is a needle and some thread. Simple.” Adrian stood up from where he sat on the couch, “Simple?! _Nothing_ about this is simple Deran!” He threw is arms out for emphasis, “You have a giant gash on your forehead and I’m just supposed to what, sew you up? You _need_ a doctor!” He began to pace back and forth, the flashlight in his hand bouncing the light off one wall to the other. “Adrian! Just relax, _please_. You’re gonna give me more of a fuckin’ headache than I already have.”

Coming to a stop, Adrian felt for Deran once more. He stepped toward the medical box, bending to search through the contents some more. “ _That_. Right there!” Adrian looked up to Deran who was leaning over the couch pointing to something in the metal tin. His hands reached for it at the same time Deran’s did-they both hesitated at the contact; Deran stopped to let him retrieve it. Adrian turned the device over to get a better look, “A staplegun?” Deran nodded, dropping his head back to lean against the couch pillows again.

Adrian grasped onto his lucky find from his search for the medical kit, holding it out to Deran. “You’re gonna need this man.” Deran sat up slightly and took the bottle of whiskey from him, swigging back a healthy dose before passing it back to Adrian; “So are you.”

After they both had some extra courage in them, Adrian leaned over Deran and removed the now blood-soaked shirt, then began to apply several of the antiseptic wipes to the infected wound. Deran hissed at the application, latching onto Adrian’s forearms for support. Once that was taken care of, Adrian took the staplegun in his palms, kneeling to Deran once more. He couldn’t get the right angle for this part and was about to have Deran stand up. Before he could move, Deran suddenly gripped his arms, pulling him to sit in his lap so that Adrian was straddling him.

“There. Now try.” This was the closest Deran had let him get in months and Adrian could feel both of their bodies reacting to the contact. Remembering what he was supposed to be doing, Adrian shook those thoughts away, placing one hand to steady Deran’s head while the other held the staplegun. He placed the device to Deran’s temple carefully, lining it up with the cut. Deran winced as the first staple went in, gripping Adrian’s thighs tightly for the remainder of them. Once the wound was all sealed, Adrian used a few more wipes to clean up around the cut, and then the mess on their hands. He blew gently over the wound to help dry it out; Deran’s arms lined with goosebumps.

Adrian started to ease off of Deran, but firm hands held him in place. Deran’s eyes looked tired, almost fading blue as he begged Adrian not to leave in the only way he knew how to. Adrian smiled down at him softly, “Ok.”

Deran slid his body towards the edge of the couch, making room from Adrian on the inner side; even if Deran was the injured one, he was always protecting Adrian.

He pulled Adrian down to him, making himself a pillow for Adrian’s head to rest. Adrian could feel Deran’s warm lips pressing to the top of his head. “I always fuck up-I…I don’t know what’s wrong with me man.” It came out in breathless whispers, almost like he had begun to cry again. Adrian twisted around, sitting up so he could face him. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with you. I know who you are…”

He didn’t know why or how he’d said that out loud, though it seemed to do the trick. Deran pulled Adrian up to meet his restless lips, latching onto them quickly. Their tongues soon found each other’s, dancing together, knowing the others every move. It was the most Deran had given to Adrian since first being released from juvie, and for the first time, Adrian didn’t feel like leaving.

Adrian could feel Deran wince in pain and brought his hand up to caress his face gently, breaking their kiss for the moment. They laid in each other’s arms, Deran holding Adrian tightly while Adrian rubbed smooth circles across his bare skin.

Deran laughed suddenly; “I should fix this place up and re-open it. Make money off other delinquents.” Adrian stared up at him precariously, “Ok seriously, _how_ hard did you hit your head?” They chuckled together until silence enveloped them again. Adrian could hear Deran thinking with how quiet it was in there; he used the pad of his thumb to rub small circles over Deran’s bare chest, feeling him relax slightly.

“What would you do with the mermaids?” Deran glanced down at him with a raised brow, “Those creepy ass things would be the first to go. Replace them with some boards or something.” They laughed in sync again, letting their fantasies fade into the darkness.

Adrian pushed up, leaning in for another kiss-Deran accepted easily.

They warmed each other’s skin, their mouths playing with one another. When Deran eventually wore out from his injury Adrian let him, checking on him every so often.

In the still of the night, Adrian whispered the words he’d never be able to tell Deran in the light. He nestled into Deran, burying himself closely. This was simple, they were not-they never would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to all!!
> 
> Thanks for reading!! I have more chapters on they way and just want to thank anyone who's been following this story so far! I hope I'm doing them justice <3
> 
> my tumblr  
> 


	8. Anyone Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 8 finally! Sorry for the late post, just been dealing with some personal things but I'm back and that means there'll be two chapters this week (:
> 
> This title comes from the song: Anyone Else by PVRIS. The lyrics at the beginning are from this song and very much fit the tone of this chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!!

_"Yeah I know I went and left you all alone_

_Please don't think that I let you go_

_'Cause I could touch a hundred thousand souls_

_But none of them would ever feel like home_

_I don't belong to anyone else"_

**-Deran-**

Light was peeking through the windows when Deran managed to pry his eyes open. He could feel the blood that had escaped his wound during the night and crusted over above his eye. Reaching up, he ran his thumb over the staples flinching as the pain crept back in.

Deran tried to move but Adrian had him pinned down, curled completely into him. The boy next to him looked at peace, like he was right where he belonged. Deran wanted to stay there, holding onto him tightly for as long as Adrian would allow. He knew he couldn’t-he remembers last night.

Adrian thought he was finally asleep, mumbling something about having to leave for school-Deran had wished he was asleep. If Deran stayed here in this moment with Adrian, it would be _one_ more thing he’d be taking from him. It seemed selfless enough, though Deran knew he would leave him anyway, he always did. This wouldn’t be the first time he’d disappeared on Adrian, not by a long shot. Deran had been running away from his problems for as long as he could remember. Adrian wasn’t necessarily a problem, more like Deran was; it was simply easier to keep Adrian uninvolved with his life. Deran only wanted to protect Adrian and keep him far away from his family. Besides, Adrian already thought he was an asshole, so what was one more time?

He slowly peeled himself out from under Adrian, careful not to disturb the boy as he made his way off of the couch. Adrian’s breaths came out evenly. Deran couldn’t resist the urge to reach down and brush his face for what might be the last time. The back of his warn hand brushed Adrian’s soft cheek delicately, savoring the touch.

Deran found his sweatshirt and placed it over Adrian gently; he turned his blood-stained shirt inside out to wear for himself. Picking Adrian’s phone up from where it’d fallen on the floor in the night, he went to put it beside him, but decided to leave something on it first. Entering the passcode, Adrian was too predictable, Deran wrote out three words-three words to push him away.

With one last look, Deran crept out the back door, leaving his blue-eyed boy to himself—it was better that way.

~

After dragging Craig’s ass out of bed over the phone, he had finally arrived to take him home-whatever that meant.

“What the hell bro, where were you all night?” Craig looked at him wide-eyed waiting for a response. Deran looked out the window, clearly trying to avoid his brothers’ gaze. Craig leaned in closer to him, “Well?” Deran pushed his big brother away. “Get off me man! I just didn’t feel like coming home ok? _Fuck_.”

The brothers sat in silence after that, Deran unwilling to share more and Craig still too stoned from last night to inquire further. Deran leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes. The cut on his head still stung; he remembers how Adrian gently blew on it last night to help ease the pain. He thought about fleeing the Scout and running back to him, back to safety, but he’d made his choice; Adrian was better off without him.

He hadn’t meant to go to Adrian last night, it just happened; he always found himself seeking Adrian out without meaning to. The job Smurf had sent them on was a complete shitshow—it didn’t end well. Deran was dumped with the blame as usual, even though it wasn’t all his fault, not this time at least. He’d done his part of the recon; shit didn’t always work out as planned. His brothers were pissed at him which meant Smurf would have his head. In all the chaos he’d forgotten all about his plans with Adrian, running to meet him on pure adrenaline. He arrived at the beach with no plan and headed straight for Adrian, failing to remember his injuries until he came face to face with him. The look in his eyes was pure fear, a look that Deran put in his eyes far too often.

He should’ve texted him and let it be, but his body went where it wanted, where he felt safe. He was too afraid to go home and face the wrath of Smurf, putting Adrian in danger yet again.

Deran still had his eyes shut but could feel his brothers gaze on him. “What?” He opened his blues to Craig shaking his head, biting at his lips. “Smurf’s gonna be pissed man. Tried to make us go hunt you down last night.” The younger brother shrugged his shoulders, not having the energy to argue about it. His brother tried again; “So, you gonna tell me where you were last night or who stitched you up?”

Deran closed his eyes again, finding the memory from last night. Adrian a nervous wreck, Deran pulling him to his lap, the way their bodies instantly reacted to one another. He could feel the bulge in his pants getting tighter at the thought. He sat up quickly, trying to shake the other boy off, both physically and mentally. Whatever punishment he got from Smurf this morning, he deserved it. If she didn’t chastise him, he would have to do it himself. Instead of going home last night to tell Smurf they’d (he’d) fucked up, he’d gone to Adrian. Things weren’t great between them, but they were stable, they were friends. Now that he’d gone and twisted the knife in their friendship once more, he wasn’t sure what they had left. His family’s lifestyle wasn’t exactly a secret to Adrian, though he’d made it clear on numerous accounts that he didn’t approve, especially when it came to Smurf. To top it off he left Adrian to wake up alone this morning, probably wondering what’d he’d done wrong this time.

Thinking about all of it was punishing in itself, but still not enough. Deran wasn’t allowed to have Adrian, wasn’t allowed to have. . . feelings for him. If he did, he would have to face the reality of what that meant—he would have to face Smurf.

They pulled up to the house after what seemed like an eternity; Deran slowly dragged himself from the Scout and inside where he was instantly greeted with “Hey baby, where have you been?” It wasn’t a question, more of a demand. Deran took a deep breath moving towards her, letting his body fold into hers. As the tears flowed out, she wrapped her claws around him securely, “It’s ok baby, I’m here, mommas got you.”

Deran wasn’t crying for Smurf, the job, or even himself; he was crying for the boy he left behind, the one he could never have.

**-Adrian-**

Adrian turned in his sleep, reaching out for the other boy, coming up empty. He flicked his eyes open to unfamiliar surroundings, no signs of Deran anywhere. “Deran?” He called out already knowing the answer, but needing to be sure.

His wetsuit was sticking to him in all the wrong places. As he sat up, something fell off his chest-Deran’s jacket. A heavy sigh escaped his lips. He leaned forward, grasped the jacket in his palms and brought it up to his face, inhaling the intoxicating scent that was Deran Cody. It smelled like the ocean with hints of weed, and something that was simply Deran all in itself. Adrian had memorized his scent by now, never letting it fade too far.

Unzipping his wetsuit, he dragged the top half down, replacing it with Deran’s hoodie; he told himself it was just for comfort against chafing, not to have Deran closer. He reached for his phone which lay beside him. The screen came up black when he tapped it -it was dead. _Great._

He made himself scarce as he strode out of the building, wanting to keep attention off himself. Somehow, he made it out of there unscathed, arriving at home shortly after with his parents never having noticed.

The first thing he did was strip out of the wetsuit, placing Deran’s jacket on the bed before he plugged his phone in and headed for the shower. Images of last night flooded his mind. Deran beneath him, how he let Adrian take care of him, the way Deran’s lips fit perfectly with his. Adrian stroked himself off to the memories, feeling guilty even as he came.

He sauntered out of the shower going to check on his phone—no notifications from Deran. He entered the numbers to unlock his phone, Deran’s birthday, and stared at the three words that displayed in from of him: _‘You should go’_

They could only be from _one_ person, which broke him even more. Not only did Deran hear what he mumbled last night, but he was telling Adrian to leave, that he should go. Deran didn’t even care enough to stay this morning and tell him goodbye. It wasn’t the first time Deran up and disappeared on him, hell it wasn’t even the fifth time—well past that by now. It didn’t mean that it didn’t sting every time, like ripping off a band-aid that never fully healed from the last wound. At least he didn’t have to wonder what Deran would think about him leaving; he got his answer now, loud and clear.

~

Adrian kept to himself the following week, avoiding any common territories for him and Deran. It wasn’t too difficult seeming as Deran had abandoned him yet again. Adrian managed to graduate without any hiccups having little to no distractions, apart from his mind that was. His mom was proud of him; his dad was just happy to get rid of him—one thing they could agree on.

Now that he was graduated, there was nothing else holding him back from leaving. As difficult as that realization was, he knew there was nothing else here for him, not for now at least. The packing went fairly smooth. He tossed anything he couldn’t take with him; he wouldn’t be returning to his parents place ever again, his dad had made that very clear. Against his better judgment, he packed the letters; he left the jacket in the closet.

The drive to college was about an hour away, not too long, but long enough to be stuck alone with his thoughts. He’d opted to take the summer program so he could get a head start and get the hell out of Oceanside; no need to prolong the inevitable.

As the miles passed, he tried to leave everything behind him, especially thoughts of a certain blue-eyed boy; it worked for a while.

~

Adrian settled into college life easily enough. He took it seriously, putting aside any distractions, which included ditching his cellphone. There was only _one_ person he wanted to hear from and they were the biggest distraction of all; he wouldn’t let Deran ruin this for him.

The summer classes came and went, Adrian passing them all easily. Life at college was busy. It was exactly what Adrian needed and he finally felt like he belonged somewhere. He found a condo to rent with a few roommates, using the money he’d saved up over the years to help with rent; he tutored when he wasn’t in class to help supply further income. 

The fall semester was beginning to take way, the leaves on the trees fading away, much like Adrian and Deran. It was the first week of the semester and things seemed to be going smoothly.

He was heading out to school one day that first week when his roommate, Chad, stopped him. Chad held out a pile of mail for him, which he took, thanking him as he went. Adrian shuffled through the mail casually, and was about to toss the envelopes in his bag when he noticed the handwriting on one of them. He picked through the mail until he found the one he was looking for. In the top left-hand corner was the name he’d been trying to avoid all summer- Deran Cody.

Adrian swallowed sharply, deciding to throw all of the mail in his backpack including Deran’s letter. He made it through half the day before he dug the letter out and tore it open. He read the first line:

_‘Hey man, guess since u went away it was my turn to start one of these, huh?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Next chapter will be up later this week....it's a good one 😬
> 
> my tumblr


	9. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say'  
> 'And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the next chapter! This one gets a little intense FYI. Don't say I didn't warn you 😉
> 
> Chapter title comes from the song: Falling by Harry Styles, what can I say? It came on during shuffle and fit perfectly. I switched up one of the lines in the song for Adrian's letter, it's also used in the summary (: 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

**-Adrian-**

Adrian laughed somewhat manically at the irony of Deran’s sentence. He couldn’t believe Deran had willingly written him a letter. He had half a mind to tear it up and throw it to the wind; it wasn’t like Deran gave a shit anyway.

Glancing back to the letter, he blew out a sigh. He knew he’d never make it through the day if he didn’t finish reading the damn thing. Adrian never wanted those three words displayed on his screen to be Deran’s last. He thought he’d made up his mind about involving himself with Deran; some things weren’t that easy to let go of.

Adrian shouted loudly, “FUCK!” Thankfully no one was around to hear or question his outburst. He looked down at the letter once more, this time he didn’t stop reading.

~

_So how’s school, u fitting in with the other nerds? Ha. I’m sure ur doing fine…u were always good at school…ur good at everything._

_I guess u probably hate me for what I said. It’s fine, I get it…I’m an asshole. It’s better this way…I always fuck everything up eventually anyway._

_Well if ur still reading this, sucks we missed another bday together man, first legal one to. I dunno things are still the same around here... tried to call you a few times but guess u changed ur number or somethin. It’s cool man, I get it_

_Just wanted to hear u, see how u were doing. I don’t expect u to write back or whatever, just didn’t know how else to reach u…asked ur mom for this address, pretty sure she fuckin’ hates me to… Anyway, hope ur doing good_

_-D_

_PS (still fuckin don’t get that) I’m sorry_

_~_

Deran’s letter weighed heavily on his mind throughout the day; he had difficulty focusing on anything else. Leave it to Deran to come out of nowhere and fuck up his entire routine. It wasn’t like he could even disagree with Deran—he did fuck everything up. At the same time, Adrian left. He didn’t stay and fight for them either, mostly because he didn’t think there was anything left to fight for. Being a legal adult certainly had its perks, but it also meant they weren’t kids anymore; their actions had real consequences now, one’s that Adrian wasn’t willing to risk his future on.

It didn’t sound like Deran had changed too much, not concerning his family anyway. Adrian knew Deran was _so_ much more than what his family had deemed him. Being the families little bitch was what suit Deran, it was easy for him, and what allowed him to live in his fantasy world. It would take a miracle for Deran to escape that lifestyle, to get away from Smurf.

Tossing his phone had been risky, but re-reading Deran’s letter made him confident in that decision; letters were easier to ignore than incessant phone calls. He couldn’t believe Deran had asked his mom for his address— _fucking Cody_.

Deran had written that he wanted to ‘hear him’—Deran speak for: hear his voice. What Adrian would give to hear his. If he sat and thought for long enough, he could hear Deran’s whispers as they crept up his neck late into the night. Chills ran down his arms; he tried to rub the thought away.

Deran said he was sorry, what a loaded statement. What was he sorry for: Telling Adrian to leave? Not coming after him? His family? Running away _again_? The list could go on, and he was pretty sure Deran knew that. Maybe he was sorry for it all; Adrian sure was.

When he arrived back at his condo later that day, he removed the folded piece of paper from his pocket as he walked towards his closet. He moved some things out of the way in order to retrieve the small shoe box and took it over to his bed where he sat down.

The lid came of easily. He placed it next to him while he dug through the contents of the box, stopping when he found what he was looking for—a picture. What little memories he had remained in this box: stuff from his childhood, trips, friends, and most recently, the letters from Deran. He lifted the picture out so he could take a better look at it. The tears flowed easily from his eyes without warning and he quickly tried to wipe them away. Adrian threw the snapshot along with Deran’s recent letter back into the box, placed the lid on top and stuffed it far under his bed.

It took him over two weeks to revisit the box; he almost tossed the entire thing before deciding against it. He didn’t owe Deran any explanations or apologies. It was the fact that Deran had reached out to him for once, that meant something—right? That’s what he told himself as he put pen to paper, going to work on what could possibly be the most honest letter he had ever written to Deran, or even himself. He figured he might never hear from Deran again, but he couldn’t keep pretending; it was too hard, for both of them.

Adrian sealed the envelope tightly and walked it out to the mailbox where he tossed it in the slot. It was up to Deran now.

**-Deran-**

After juvie, Deran thought his life would be easier, that things would be simpler—they had been far from it.

All he’d managed to do since being released was take more orders from Smurf and fuck things up with Adrian, worse than he already had. He told Adrian to go, only he hadn’t expected him to actually listen. Adrian had made a point to avoid their usual spots; Deran would know—he checked them daily. Even though they hadn’t communicated in over a week, he knew when Adrian was gone. It was like he could feel the void he left behind, one that would never be filled by another. 

He only lasted a week, give or take, before he called Adrian; the number had been disconnected. It seemed as though Adrian really wanted him out of his life this time.

It was late after a job one night-Deran couldn’t sleep. He missed Adrian’s voice and wanted to go after him, bring him back. He thought better of it at the last minute, not knowing what he would say anyway.

Deran pulled Adrian’s letters out from his bedside drawer and read them over, like he did most nights. He couldn’t stop the tears from spilling out. All he had left were words on paper, words that were bound to fade.

He didn’t remember picking up the pen and paper until the letter was done, not bothering to read it over, afraid he would change his mind and rip it up. He’d stalked Adrian’s parents’ house the next morning, waiting for his asshole dad to leave before approaching.

Mrs. Dolan answered the door, throwing on a fake smile in Deran’s honor. Deran had no idea how much Adrian’s mom did or didn’t know about their ‘relationship’, but she seemed to know enough. Deran had asked if she knew how he could contact Adrian, holding up the letter for reference. His mom didn’t say much. She wrote the address down on a sticky note for him and sent him on his way; he wasn’t sure what he was expecting from her.

He sent the letter out after placing the appropriate address on the envelope, hopeful Adrian would at least read the damn thing. The letter didn’t contain much, it was more of a ‘hey sorry I’m an asshole but I still care’ type of thing.

Deran had been waiting for a response for almost two weeks now, making sure to intercept the mail every day from his prying family. When week three came and went, Deran gave up hope, abandoning the mail altogether.

He was in the garage readying himself for their next job when Pope walked up, tossing mail his way. Deran barely glanced at it, giving Pope a mumbled ‘thanks’ before returning to his task. Pope lingered, flipping through more of the mail as he hummed to himself. Deran continued what he was doing, hardly noticing Pope was still there. “What a classy guy. Didn’t realize people still wrote hand-written letters.” Deran froze, now giving Pope his full attention. He didn’t know how to react or if he even wanted the letter Pope held in his hands. His older brother held the envelope out to him. “This why you’ve been so damn antsy about the mail lately?” Deran shrugged, taking the letter from him as nonchalantly as he could. He mumbled something about waiting for his registration tags. His brother eyed him curiously, but let him off the hook when the rest of the Cody boys pulled up, saving him from lying to Pope further-something he failed miserably at.

He protected the letter, strolling quickly out of the garage to make his way to his room before his brothers could engage him. The door to his bedroom slammed behind him as he went to sit on the floor by his bed. Leaning back against the mattress, Deran tore the envelope open, taking the thin piece of paper into his shaky hands. He didn’t know what this letter held, only the feeling that it wasn’t one he should be reading before a job.

Something fell out when he was opening the letter—a picture. He turned it over so he could see the image, sucking in a breath at the sight in front of him. He remembered the night perfectly, though he’d managed to block the memory, and the picture, from his mind until now.

~

_It was a few months after they shared their first kiss that night at the skatepark. They couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other, sneaking out almost every night to meet one another. Each night they went a little further, Adrian letting Deran set the pace for both of them. On this particular night, they’d met at their favorite spot- the one underneath the pier._

_Deran was in a particularly good mood that night, coming off the high of a successful job and immense praise from Smurf._

_They smoked a joint, taking swigs from the bottle Adrian had swiped from his dad’s stash in-between. The combination made them both a little frisker and loose, especially Deran. Deran was about to reach for Adrian when Adrian’s phone went off, distracting them. A picture of Adrian and his mom together displayed on the screen; Deran teased him about it before he could toss it aside. “That’s cute man.” Adrian shoved him playfully, “Fuck you Cody. I have one for everyone, not just my mom.” Deran eyed him mischievously, “Oh yea? Lemmie see mine then.” Adrian looked away from him then, his playfulness suddenly fading. “Don’t have any…you never let me take any of us.” He trailed off but Deran could easily infer the rest; he probably told him it would look ‘gay’ or some shit._

_With his liquid courage, Deran reached for Adrian, pulling him closer. “Then let’s take one now.” He could feel the chills that crept down Adrian’s arms as his face lit up the night sky._

_“Really? Are you sure Deran, we don’t have-” Deran cut him off with a chaste kiss, “I’m sure. Now just take the fuckin’ picture before I change my mind.” Adrian only hesitated slightly before he retrieved his phone from where he threw it earlier, leaning in close to Deran. He raised the phone out in front of them; Deran turned to ask what stupid pose they should do when Adrian turned to ask him at the same time. Their lips collided and their bodies took over, slipping into one another as they fell for each other more._

_Deran took his newfound bravery, roaming Adrian’s frame farther than he ever had. Adrian’s body reacted to his touches so eagerly. Deran couldn’t help himself, dipping his fingers inside Adrian’s waistband, grabbing his length tentatively before instincts took over and he was quickly getting Adrian off. Adrian reciprocated the favor after with much more hesitation than Deran, until Deran begged him to move faster. It was unlike anything either boy had experienced; their touch forever lingering on the other._

_They didn’t say anything after, just leaned against one another, letting the world pass around them as they found comfort within each other._

_~_

It wasn’t until now that Deran realized Adrian had snapped a picture at the exact moment their lips met; no wonder why he never told him about it. Deran probably would have smashed Adrian’s phone and beat the shit out of him just to prove he ‘wasn’t gay.’

Deran reached a fist out, punching whatever was closest to him, which happened to be his nightstand,hating himself that much more. He stared at the picture, not knowing what to think of it or why Adrian decided to send it now, after all of these years.

He found the letter and picked it up again, shoving the picture far into the depths of his drawer; one dilemma at a time. The letter sat mocking him, begging him to read it.

~

_Deran,_

_I guess it was my turn to run away huh?_

_I’ve thought a lot about what to write. Even considered not writing at all, but where has that ever gotten us?_

_I’m sure you don’t remember the picture or even that I took it. It’s something I’ve held onto over the years, hoping we could become those kids in the picture. Sitting here now, I realize we’re not kids anymore Deran…I can’t keep pretending._

_I understand what your family means to you, but what about me…what about us? I don’t even know if there is an us or what that means; not like you’ve ever really given ‘us’ a chance._

_The back and forth is killing me and I have to focus on school if I ever want to get anywhere in life. You told me to go, so I went. I don’t expect you to change for me, I just wanted you to stay, to tell me to stay... but you took off like always._

_I know you’re sorry Deran. It kills me because I don’t know what else we can say to each other. I don’t know how to have you in my life if you’re always leaving._

_No more PS…just write what you mean._

_You’ll always be my friend, best friend, no matter what_

_-Adrian_

~

The tears flooded out of Deran, falling down staining the letter, threatening to make the words disappear, like him and Adrian.

He deserved that first line, he really did. Everything Adrian wrote was true, he couldn’t deny that which only made the tears fall harder. What was he if he didn’t have Adrian? Not that he ever had him, not really.

He couldn’t see past the moisture in his eyes or the words Adrian had written; he was wrecked. Deran was starting to regret ever sending that last letter to Adrian. This is what he deserved though; Adrian was done with his bullshit and he couldn’t blame him. Adrian was right—he didn’t know what else there was left to say. They were on two opposite sides with no middle in sight.

His whole body shook with angst. He couldn’t hold back the sobs as the air left his lungs. He got the feeling Adrian would never need him again, and that’s what truly broke him.

Deran had finally pushed him away. That’s what he’d always wanted, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm currently up to 13 chapters so I might get impatient and start posting them sporadically because I have no self control with these two 😁
> 
> Come yell about these two to me on  my tumbrl


	10. You and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months pass, and the seasons change. Neither of them expect to hear back from the other—but maybe they can meet in the middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10! Posting on a Thursday just because I can :D  
> Chapter title comes from the song: You and I by PVRIS. These are the lyrics that stuck out to me for this chapter:  
> "But right now I can't be what you want  
> Just give it time  
> And if you and I  
> Can keep our love alive, we'll fight  
> We can meet in the middle  
> Bodies and souls collide"
> 
> Enjoy! (:

**-Adrian-**

The next few months passed without too many hiccups. All of his finals were finished, and he’d officially completed his first semester of college. His mom had called him several times trying to convince him to come home for the holidays; he let all of them to go voicemail, eventually texting her some lame excuse for why he couldn’t make it.

Since his roommates were going home for the break, he would have the condo to himself for once. It probably wasn’t the best idea for him to be alone for two weeks, although, he was looking forward to relaxing and catching up on sleep. He hadn’t heard from Deran since sending the letter with the photograph and he didn’t expect to. Deran wasn’t ready to talk; maybe he never would be. It was something Adrian had learned to accept a long time ago; he was just tired of dealing with it. Every day without him hurt a little less, the pain dissipating slowly, though not completely—it never would.

He’d met a few guys over the last several months, hooking up with some of them, though nothing more. There wasn’t anything wrong with them particularly, they just… weren’t Deran. Deran was like a drug that wouldn’t leave his system no matter how many times Adrian had tried to quit him, always convincing him to come back for just _one_ more hit.

The first week alone flew by, Adrian barely having time to enjoy it with all the catching up he had to do. There were stacks of laundry, dishes, and other various things that needed cleaning throughout the house. His roommates had agreed to pay more of the rent if Adrian straightened the place up and took care of the regular day to day cleaning. Adrian had agreed without hesitation; he could use any help with money he could get, especially with the tutoring gig dying down during the holiday break.

Christmas was a few days away now. Adrian barely noticed though; it wasn’t as if he had anyone to spend it with.

He was in the middle of putting the dishes away when the doorbell rang. Adrian strode over to the door, unlocking it before pulling it open to meet the mailman. “Mr. Dolan?” Adrian nodded his head, “Yea, that’s me.” The mailman handed him a puffy yellow envelope, followed by the usual bills and miscellaneous mail. The mailman called out as he walked away, “Have a good day!” Adrian muttered a similar statement back as he closed the door behind him and moved to the table, where he dropped everything except for the package. There was no return address on it, only his name printed on a label. His brow furrowed and he bit slightly at the inside of his cheek. Shrugging his shoulders, he tore the package open, tilting it sideways to disperse the contents.

A folded piece of paper drifted to the floor and a piece of bubble wrap landed in his palms. He attended to the bubble wrap first, unfolding it until he found what was inside—a joint. Adrian shook his head, laughing out loud; this could only be from _one_ person.

The joint was rolled tightly, perfect as always. Stepping around the letter for now, he went to the counter to grab a lighter. On his way out the door, he bent to pick up the folded piece of paper, taking it with him. He lit the joint, taking his first hit slowly; for a second, he swore he could breathe again.

Adrian took several more hits before he got up the courage to unfold the letter. His breaths came out unevenly, his hands shaking slightly. The writing was the same as always; messy with grammar errors all over. This was a letter Adrian never expected to get, especially not this soon; five months was nothing for them.

He clipped the joint between his lips so he could place his full attention on the words in front of him.

~

_Figured u would need the joint once u realized who this was from. Didn’t wanna put my name on anything…figured u wouldn’t even open this if u saw who it was from._

_I am sorry Adrian…more than I can ever say. I no that don’t mean shit to u but its what I got._

_Cant tell u how many of these I wrote and threw at the wall. Finally realized nothing I said was gonna fix things…fix us. Decided Id write this anyway._

_Ran into ur mom the other day, said u were staying down there for Christmas and shit…she looked sad man—no guilt trip, just thought u should no._

_I wish u woulda shown me that pic before now… I get why u didn’t. My family don’t mean shit to me…not like u do. Ur just easier to leave and I no I’m a dick for saying that, but it’s the truth. Smurfs never gonna let me go man. Ur better off without me. My families fucked up and I don’t even wanna think what I’d do if somethin happened to u cuz a them…maybe that’s why I always push u away._

_Could never say any a this shit to ur face man, too much of a pussy. Fuck. I just…I miss u. I miss all the stupid shit we used to do._

_Just write me back, please…even its just to tell me I’m an asshole…I just need to no ur ok…I need us to be ok..please._

_I’m sorry I fucked it all up, I dunno what to do without u man…_

_-D_

~

Adrian sat slumped against the house well after the joint burned out. He couldn’t put the letter down, though he didn’t want it anywhere near him at the same time.

Deran _never_ opened up like that, not in person, and certainly not on paper that could be documented and kept forever. It was like hearing him speak his truth for the first time, without any filters or fears of being himself.

The letter was unsettling to him. He didn’t know what Deran wanted from him, or even what he was proposing. Deran saying he was easier to leave is what pained him the most, even if it was true. Deran was scared to leave his family, terrified of what Smurf might do if her precious baby boy bailed on the family. Adrian’s insides boiled.

Then there was the other thing; why should Deran get to decide what was best for him? He knew what Deran’s family was into and how risky it could be to get caught up in all of that, but he should get to decide for himself— _not_ Deran. Adrian might have accepted it better if Deran ever gave him the option. Instead, he treated Adrian like an outsider whom had no say in the matter whatsoever. Sure, he wasn’t a Cody and he didn’t run jobs with them, but he cared about Deran; he wanted to protect Deran just as much as Deran wanted to protect him, if not more. Smurf defended her sons, but never hesitated to give one of them up to save herself; hence Deran’s time in juvie. It was because of this, Deran always had one foot in while the other stayed back, ready to flee at any moment.

It was difficult for Adrian to overlook the last line of Deran’s letter. What _would_ they do without each other? Adrian felt the same way, but it wasn’t like he had Deran at the moment anyway, or ever really.

They were miles apart and hadn’t seen each other in months. It looked like they were already on their way to finding out what they would do without the other.

**-Deran-**

Adrian’s last letter had really fucked him up; it took him a long time to come to terms with it.

Deran needed space and time to reflect on the letter and everything that had led up to it. A few weeks after, he left Smurf’s to go live at the apartment she rented out for him. While he was still technically ‘living under Smurf’s roof’, she wasn’t physically under this one. He still did jobs with his brothers, but his whole demeanor had changed. Everything was done mechanically, no emotions involved. Even Pope who used the same methods in life began to think Deran was acting strange after a time. And then there was Craig, who thought his best bud had gotten depressed, no longer finding joy in all the parties they (Craig mostly) threw.

Deran spent most of his downtime by the water or at his place, whichever calmed him more. He’d find the occasional guy at some random place, fuck him, and then disappear back into himself. They got the job done, but they weren’t Adrian; Adrian was under his skin, attached to him so completely that he felt like he was missing a limb without him, never to be replaced.

There had been several attempts made to write Adrian back; most of them were balled up and hurled at the trash, while others had been set on fire, Deran trying to burn the memoires from his mind.

Deran had hoped Adrian would come home for his winter break since he had missed the thanksgiving one, though when he ran into Adrian’s mom at the store one day, that hope was lost. Mrs. Dolan had this sadness in her eyes, her smile never quite meeting them. Deran knew a lot of that had to do with Adrian’s prick of a dad, but he couldn’t help putting some of the blame on himself. Afterall, he was the other reason why Adrian left and hadn’t returned. Adrian’s mom was sweet and nothing like his own; she deserved to see her son.

That was the day he went home and finally sat down to write Adrian a letter, no bullshit this time. He wasn’t sure how Adrian would take the part about Deran running into his mom, he just hoped it would get him to talk to her. If Adrian came back to see her, Deran would stay away. He hadn’t earned that privilege, not yet.

He wanted to keep the envelope as general as possible so that Adrian would at least open the thing and consider reading it before tossing it. The thing that sucked about letters was that you never knew whether the person received it, let alone read it. Not that he expected a response from Adrian anyway.

~

It was mid-January now, a new year with a fresh start. Deran was determined to make the most of this new year, even if it didn’t include Adrian. He still hadn’t received a letter from Adrian and he was slowly starting to accept that; at least he tried to.

He had taken up running along the beach as a way to clear his mind since it was too cold for surfing at the moment. The cool air was calming, while the running fueled his lungs with new desires, ones that would move his life forward, instead of backwards. When he got back from his run one day, two of his brothers were camped out in his apartment. Craig was on the couch smoking a joint while Pope chastised him, simultaneously cleaning up Deran’s place—Deran already felt like another run.

“Can I help you guys?” Craig was offering him the joint in no time, which he accepted willingly, Pope just gave his usual ‘friendly’ stare. “Why are you living here? This place is a pigsty. You can’t just leave your sponges in the sink!” Deran stared at his eldest brother blankly—where the fuck else should he keep them?

Pope continued with his cleaning tirade, telling Deran how he should or should not do certain things, Craig eventually cut him off. “I think what Popey here means is, we _miss_ you bro. You don’t come home, don’t hang out anymore. You’re always mopey man, what gives?” Deran sat down next to Craig on the couch, rubbing a hand over his chin. “Sick of all the bullshit man. I can’t take her anymore.” Craig nudged him with his elbow, “Who isn’t man? Doesn’t mean we’re not still family though.” Craig needed to feel validated and with Deran not being around lately, he wasn’t exactly getting that attention from Pope or Baz.

The doorbell sounded through the apartment, slightly startling the three men. Craig hopped up to answer it while Pope glared Deran’s direction. “Don’t you think it’s _your_ turn to deal with him?” Pope nodded Craig’s direction before continuing. “Craig needs you, he’s like a goddamn lost puppy without you.” Deran snorted, but knew his brother was right. He blew out a breath, “Yea well I don’t know what to tell you man. Not my problem.”

Pope began to step into Deran’s space, moving his face down to meet Deran’s. He was saved from a snarling Pope when Craig tossed a package at him. “Mail call bitch!” Deran took the package in one hand while using his other to lightly punch his brother.

“So, how about it man?” Deran looked at Craig quizzically. “How about what?” He glanced down at the small package in his hand, recognizing the handwriting instantly. It was like the air left his lungs all at once, his eyes blurring. Craig was yammering on in the background, Pope starring at them both. Deran stood up suddenly, causing Craig to stifle his chatter momentarily.

“Yea sure, whatever, I’ll go.” Craig bounded on his heels in anticipation. “Really bro?” He tried to go on but Deran cut him off swiftly. “Yes, but if you don’t get the fuck out right now deals off man.” Craig threw his hands up in defense. “Ok, ok. Jeeze we’re leaving bro.”

Craig called for Pope behind him. The oldest Cody boy looked from Deran to the letter, flaring his nose slightly. Pope didn’t say anything else, eventually filing out after Craig, leaving Deran alone with his letter at last.

Deran only waited until he heard the truck engine fire up before tearing the envelope open. Inside, he found almost the same setup as he’d sent Adrian—a joint and a folded piece of paper. The joint wasn’t nearly as perfect as Deran’s was, the handwriting made up for it. He unfolded the paper to Adrian’s elegant writing, sucking in a breath before he began reading.

~

Deran,

I know the joint’s not quite up to your par, especially since its shitty college weed, but guessed you could use it anyway.

I honestly never expected to hear from you after my last letter; kinda thought that would’ve sent you running for good.

Maybe I’m easier to run from, but I promise you I’m harder to come back to. I can’t just forget everything because you’re sorry D, and trust me I know you are…just doesn’t change anything.

Thanks for reminding me of the shit I left my mom with, seriously thanks…I called her the other day.

I get that you want to protect me from your family but it’s not up to you. I can make my own decisions, decisions that you have to respect if this (whatever it is) is ever going to work.

I’m not ready to come home…not ready to see you. These letters seem to be working for us so let’s just keep it that way…maybe send them more often though?

You’ll have to open up to me in person eventually, but I suppose we can start here…we have to start somewhere, I guess.

P.S. (yes, I’m reinstating this :P)

The only thing this letter should’ve said is that you’re an asshole

-Adrian

~

Deran had tears welling in his eyes, though he couldn’t help the laughter that escaped him reading that last line. Adrian’s sarcasm would’ve been lost on most, but not Deran. To Deran it was like a secret language, like a code for words they were both too afraid to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to leave me any comments or thoughts, I would love to know what your favorite part(s) are so far!
> 
> Chapter 11 on Sunday?? (;
> 
> my other home for these boys my tumblr 


	11. Crashing like Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither of them talked about seeing each other, only mentioned ways of how they missed the other. Deran would write about how good the swell was that day, while Adrian would list the ways the weather reminded him of particular days from the past, usually ones that involved the two of them. Almost any sunny day brought him back to Oceanside and Deran; he tried to filter out the rainy ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late, but here's chapter 11! This is one of my favorites because it sets up a lot of things that are to come (;
> 
> Enjoy!

**-Adrian-**

The spring semester was flying by for Adrian with summer approaching fast. Even though he’d taken on a full schedule, he’d managed to keep his grades up and make the honor roll list. School might be the only thing he was excelling at in life, and damn if he wasn’t proud of himself!

He hadn’t been sure how Deran would respond to writing letters more frequently, guessing things would stay the same with the long pauses in-between, or that he wouldn’t hear from him at all. Deran had surprised him by sending a letter a few days later; that’s how the rest of the semester remained. They sent letter after letter, each one arriving as soon as the postal service would allow.

Some of the letters were more personal, while others seemed more forced if one of them was busy or trying to avoid a particular topic. Deran didn’t mention specifics of his ‘jobs’ or much about his family other than when he was particularly irritated with certain aspects of them. In one of the letters, he confessed that he wished he would’ve finished school, maybe even gone to college. Adrian had written back that there was still time, even though they both knew it would never happen. It wasn’t for a lack of Deran’s smarts, they were in there when he put his mind to it. School would simply never be important enough to Deran—not like it was to Adrian. All Deran wanted was to make money, _fast_ ; Adrian wanted more out of life. He wanted an education that could take him somewhere. He wasn’t sure to what exactly, only that it was something he needed to do, for himself.

Neither of them talked about seeing each other, only mentioned ways of how they missed the other. Deran would write about how good the swell was that day, while Adrian would list the ways the weather reminded him of particular days from the past, usually ones that involved the two of them. Almost any sunny day brought him back to Oceanside and Deran; he tried to filter out the rainy ones.

Adrian longed to hear that raspy voice of Deran’s; he’d even broken down and listened to that old voicemail at least half a dozen times. Even though Deran’s words on the old message pained him, his voice soothed him in a way nothing else could. He didn’t tell Deran that his phone was back on, it wouldn’t do either of them any good.

There were two weeks left until summer break and Adrian couldn’t wait to have some downtime for once. He’d opted out of the summer program this time around, needing some time to sit back and reflect.

When he got home from school one day during that last week, he had a new letter from Deran waiting for him. He swiped it off the table, moving quickly to his room before anything or anyone could distract him. The envelope was wider than the standard letters they usually sent. He tore the side off one end, pinching it between his fingers as he tilted the envelope down, letting the contents spill out. There was the usual notebook piece of paper followed by another smaller envelope that was marked ‘open last’. Adrian’s eyebrows rose in question, but he did as it said, setting the extra envelope aside before opening the letter to read.

_‘Hey man,_

_Schools almost done huh? I’m sure u aced everything smarty pants, ha. U have those summer classes lined up already nerd? Ok ok, I’m done shit talking ur schooling…for now._

_The waves r lookin good again, cant wait to get back out there. Feels like its been an eternity since last summer. Shit can u believe were gonna be 19 soon?? Only 2 more years till were for real legal! Then I’ll finally be able to restore my dream place…ull see Dolan…just u wait._

_So, I sorta did a thing…umm well I thought it’d be cooler if I just showed u instead a writing about it. U can open the other envelope now. Let me no what u think, ya?_

-D’

Adrian’s fingers had been itching to open up the other envelope; now that it was time, he was apprehensive, not to mention Deran’s letter gave him a lot to think about.

Deran was clearly trying to get a sense of whether Adrian was coming home for the summer or not, _not_ so casually mentioning that it’d been almost a year since they had physically seen each other. Adrian hadn’t told him he’d passed on summer classes because he honestly hadn’t decided what that meant for him, for them. Their letters were going smooth and Adrian wasn’t sure if they (he) were ready for that next step yet.

He couldn’t believe Deran was _still_ talking about renovating that stupid bar; it was becoming an ongoing joke at this point, one that was sure to stay just that—a silly joke only they understood.

Setting the letter aside for the moment, he grasped the other envelope, tearing it open before he could think about it further. A polaroid picture fell out. He was met with a smiling Deran and the cutest puppy he’d ever seen. Deran’s hair was longer than he ever remembered it being; it suit him well—it had always been one of Adrian’s favorite attributes of his.

The puppy was a German Shepherd that was mostly black in coloring with tan throughout its body; it was adorable. Under the picture, Deran had written the date it was taken along with his name and the dogs—Breaker. Adrian couldn’t keep his cheeks from rising as he stared at the picture like a giddy child. It was the first time he was seeing Deran in nearly a year and he didn’t care that it was only a picture. He used his phone to snap a picture of the photo, knowing he would want to keep it close to him.

Adrian placed the letter in the box with the rest of them, placing it back in its spot underneath the bed. He was still holding the photo when his phone rang. Clicking accept, he brought the phone to his ear, receiving the answer he’d been waiting to hear about all semester. Glancing down to the photo, he accepted the offer and ended the call; he hadn’t seen a sign so clear in years.

**-Deran-**

Deran had been following Adrian’s unofficial ‘rules’ to a T. He never took too long to reply, and he didn’t push for details on when they could see each other again. Deran was starting to wonder if he’d ever come home again.

He had slipped up a little in his last letter, indirectly mentioning or asking things about the summer break approaching; any little detail, he just _had_ to know. The picture was something he wanted to share with Adrian, no strings attached. Plus, who didn’t love receiving a picture of an adorable puppy? It was just an added bonus that Deran appeared in it as well. He chuckled to himself remembering how Craig had complained the entire time he made him take it, Deran making sure the angle was just right.

Breaker had been sort of an impulse buy; he definitely didn’t know what all entailed raising a puppy—it was _a lot_. He was running around the strand one day when he spotted the puppies for sale; there was one he just couldn’t look away from. It wasn’t until he’d gotten the pup home that he’d realized why; it had these deep blue eyes, _just_ like Adrian’s.

Having a dog gave him a running partner and was actually easier to maintain than Craig was; it made his apartment less lonely too. Smurf had tried to entice him to come home several times, bribing him with money and other sorts of affection; none of them worked. Deran was determined to do things right this time around, and while things were still distant with Adrian, they finally had a stable relationship. _Nothing_ was going to get in the way of that, not this time.

~

A couple weeks had passed since he sent Adrian the letter with the picture. He was beginning to think it was too much, especially with the photo. He convinced himself Adrian was just busy with finals and the end of the semester; surely, he would get back to him soon.

It was the first week of June, a perfect morning for a long run along the beach. The morning air was cool with a slight wind that blew through the sand. Deran had his favorite hoodie on, one he’d stolen from Adrian at some point, the hood pulled over his head to block the wind. Breaker ran alongside him, often racing off ahead or behind him to sniff something new out. He’d had Breaker for a few months now and they were slowly falling into a routine with one another. When he’d brought the pup to the house to introduce him to everyone, he’d overheard Smurf telling Baz something about giving it a week before Deran lost the dog or begged her for help to get rid of it. He didn’t care how difficult raising Breaker became, he was _never_ getting rid of him, if not just to prove a point to Smurf. Not to mention, he was already completely attached to him. Thankfully Breaker had been pretty chill from the start so he could leave him at home from then on; no way was he letting Smurf puppy sit, she made a terrible mother as it was—he didn’t want to find out what her grandma skills were like.

Lost in his head, he wasn’t paying any attention to his surroundings or how far ahead Breaker had gotten. Taking off suddenly, Breaker began running full speed at another jogger who was coming towards them; he’d gotten quite territorial over Deran and wasn’t a fan of other people invading his space. Deran took off at a sprint, missing Breaker just before he jumped up on a guy with his mouth wide open.

“ **BREAKER**!” Deran yelled harshly at the pup, moving to grab him away from the poor guy when he realized he was only licking him, showering the man in kisses.

Deran approached the other guy closer who was now bent down, petting Breaker. “Sorry about that man, still working on training and shit.” The other man pushed his hood back and stood to meet Deran.

“You know, that’s exactly the greeting I was expecting, just not from the dog.” Deran’s blues went wide; his whole body froze at the sight in front of him. He pushed his own hood off as if it would help him see clearer; he had to be imagining this.

“Adrian?” he choked out the only word he could manage, hoping it was enough; it was one word, but it meant _so_ much more.

Adrian gave his lopsided smile. “I thought maybe I’d respond in person this time; sorry it took a little longer than usual.” Deran hadn’t a clue what to think or say. His body decided for him, reaching out to pull Adrian in close; it was like he could finally breathe again. To his surprise, Adrian wrapped his arms fully around him, accepting the hug without hesitation.

Deran wanted, _needed_ so much more; he could sense both of them did. He didn’t know how long the hug lasted, only that they pulled apart due to a furry someone requiring their attention from down below. Both boys chuckled down at the pup, and Deran bent to pick him up. Breaker cooed with joy, licking at Deran wherever he could. Adrian reached a hand forward, receiving the same treatment, Breaker extending his paws out toward him.

“He doesn’t usually like other people, especially if they get too close to me.” Adrian hummed softly. “Guess he knows I’ve been as close as they can get.” Deran’s eyes flew up to meet his; Adrian was pretending to look down at the puppy, most likely regretting having said that out loud. Deran acted like he didn’t notice, offering him an out.

“We should catch up. My place isn’t too far from here.” Adrian’s brows raised in question; Deran cut him off with a look of ‘don’t ask’. Adrian let it go, stating, “Lead the way.”

They walked side by side, far enough away that their swinging hands wouldn’t touch, Breaker running ahead of them. Neither of them bothered to fill in the silence, both too lost in their own thoughts. Thankfully the walk to Deran’s wasn’t too long, and they arrived there shortly.

Deran waved his hands around the apartment upon entering, “Sit anywhere man, I’ll grab some beers.” Adrian opted for one of the kitchen chairs, sitting at the table; Breaker curled up at his feet. Deran couldn’t help the smile that touched his face as he returned with their drinks, passing one to Adrian. They ‘cheered’ their bottles, each taking a healthy sip before replacing them on the table. Deran ran a hand through his hair nervously while Adrian pretended to find the label on the bottle fascinating, lingering his fingers on it. Deran puffed out a breath, “So, you gonna tell me what’s going on…why you’re here?” Adrian’s fingers left the bottle, making their way to his forehead, where he rested his elbows on his knees.

“It was just time.” Adrian paused, looking up to meet Deran’s blues. “I needed to see my mom…to see _you_.” Deran was the first to break eye contact, looking towards the bottle with unnecessary concentration. The silence surrounding them was deafening, only the soft snores of Breaker could be heard throughout the apartment.

Adrian caught Deran’s eyes once more, deciding to continue on. “I got a call a couple of weeks back, one that I’ve been waiting for pretty much all semester.” Deran’s eyebrows pulled together as he waited for Adrian to go on. “I landed a spot on the surf tour this summer. It’s fully sponsored and everything.”

Deran wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting Adrian to say, but it definitely wasn’t that. Setting aside every other thought that was burning inside of him, he focused on the most prominent one for the time being. His eyes lit up in awe towards the other man; “Adrian that’s fuckin’ awesome! Congrats man! Adrian smiled brightly in return, “Thanks. Never thought I’d make it you know?” Deran looked at him more seriously this time, inching his fingers forward on the table until they brushed over the tips of Adrian’s. “I did. You’ve always been the best. Don’t let anyone else tell you different.” He squeezed Adrian’s fingers slightly, Adrian returning the sentiment before pulling away.

Clearing his throat, Adrian ignored Deran’s sentiment, changing the subject; “Nice place you’ve got here.” Both of them wandered their eyes across the space, taking it all in. Deran nodded slightly, responding nonchalantly, “Yea it’s pretty cool.” Adrian raised a brow his direction, “Smurf?”

Deran’s blues fluttered to the ground, his shoulders shrugging lamely. He didn’t want to deny it, but he sure as hell didn’t want to waste whatever time he had with Adrian digging up the past; talking about Smurf never got them anywhere.

His eyes shot up when Adrian stood abruptly. “Yea so anyway, the tour starts about an hour from here, so I thought it was as good a sign as any to pass through town.” Deran sensed Adrian was making his move to leave, ending things before they even got a chance to truly talk. He wished he hadn’t grabbed for his hand or made that comment about him being the best, even if it was true; he’s finally honest with him and still it gets him nowhere.

Just as he suspected, the other boy made his way to the door, though he turned back before reaching for the handle. Adrian smiled softly in Deran’s direction, “It was good to see you Deran. I head out in a couple days.” When Breaker nuzzled him from down below, he bent to scratch behind his ears. “Glad I got to meet the little guy. His eyes remind me of the ocean.” Deran refrained from telling him what, or rather who, they reminded him of.

He stood and made his way to Adrian, Breaker being the only thing that separated them. He pulled his lips together before he let his words fall out; “You belong on the tour. You’re gonna be great man.” His words touched the tips of Adrian’s blues, moisture slowly building around them.

Without another word, Adrian turned and opened the door. He left, and Deran let him, just like every time before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading💙 Kudos and comments are appreciated, I would love to know what your thoughts are!
> 
> my tumblr


	12. I Want More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Adrian might not have said it aloud, though it was obvious Deran had been the one for him for some time. For Deran it was making that leap between not only am I gay, but also, the person I have feelings for is my best friend. It was something they wouldn’t be able to take back; it would change their relationship, forever.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I got a little off on my posting schedule so maybe Monday's we'll be the new day (:
> 
> This is the longest chapter in this series so far and I must say it's a good one! The chapter title comes from the song: I want more by KALEO. I had wanted to use this song previously in a different fic but it didn't work out, so when it came on shuffle while writing this chapter I knew it was perfect! 
> 
> And just as a preface, I know little to nothing about surfing or surfing competitions other than what I've seen on the show or other shows/movies.... so I tried...
> 
> Ok I'll stop rambling and let you read, Enjoy!!

**-Adrian-**

When Adrian finally reached his old bedroom, he quickly closed the door behind him, slumping to the floor as he leaned against it. Several heavy breaths escaped him as he tried to steady his breathing. He hadn’t been sure _if_ or when he would ever come back to Oceanside; after receiving the call about the tour, he knew it was time. In order to get to the first spot on the tour, he would have to drive right through his hometown and it was as good as any excuse he was going to get.

Adrian knew that he had to see Deran, even though he could’ve easily avoided doing so. The letters were maintaining their relationship, but Adrian _had_ to see where they stood physically. Seeing Deran on the beach after all this time, he could still feel the connection, the familiar pull that always kept them coming back to each other. Deran seemed different; there was more calmness in his usual rage filled eyes. He was also more relaxed and genuine with his words; there wasn’t any yelling or crude remarks.

Adrian wanted Deran to beg him to stay, to push him into the wall and take charge like he always had, but he didn’t, and _that_ was the difference. He didn’t ask Adrian to stay, though he didn’t push him away either; Adrian didn’t know how to take that.

His words rang through his mind, _‘You belong on the tour.’_ Adrian wasn’t sure if he believed he was good enough—Deran said he’d always known.

He let his head fall back against the door as he stared at the blank wall, the ones that used to be filled with his memories. The plan was to never come back to this house, never set foot in it again. There were too many memoires here, none of which he was ready to face. He glanced over to his closet doors, knowing what he’d left behind in there—Deran’s jacket. Standing up, he walked over to his closet, pushing open the doors. His mom had put a few things in there for storage, so he moved them aside until he found the hoodie. Taking it off the hanger and gripping onto it, he brought the jacket up to his nose, breathing in slowly. With all the time that had passed, Deran’s scent still lingered heavily within it. It took everything he had not to break down; he couldn’t, not here and not now. Adrian shoved the sweatshirt into one of his bags, zipping it tightly.

Blowing out a breath, he wished he would’ve just drove through town and left things how they belonged. Of course, when his mom had begged him to stay with them, he couldn’t exactly say no, even with his dad involved; he’d been an asshole to his mom for the better part of his time away and he knew that she deserved better.

It was only for a few days; he would be gone soon, with Oceanside in his rearview once again.

~

His dad was absent at breakfast in the morning and most of the day; when he did come home, he hardly acknowledged Adrian. On the other hand, his mom wouldn’t leave his side, making sure to pamper him, giving him love every chance she got. Deran hadn’t tried to contact him or find him since their meeting yesterday, and he was ok with that; they had too much to discuss for the little time he had here. He didn’t have any expectations other than simply seeing him, and that was enough for now, it had to be.

That night, after saying goodnight to his mom, he decided to pack up and head out. Two days home had been enough for him and he was eager to get going before he decided to do something stupid, like throw the whole tour just so he could spend the summer with Deran.

Everything had been brought to the curb and he was slowly starting to pack all of it into his car. His headphones were in, shuffling through one of his various playlists. The current song playing caught his attention. He stopped packing to look up the lyrics. _‘But then you fold your hand into mine, watch as the waves fall back into place.’_ The words reminded him of when Deran had squeezed his palm the other day as a reassurance that he would be ok, that it was ok for him to go. Scrolling through the next set of lyrics, he paused on the lyrics, _‘Don’t you leave me standing there wanting more, like before. Turn back; leave all you had; forgive, I’ll forget.’_ These damn lyrics almost had him running back to Deran, especially the next ones. _‘If you leap, I’ll come falling too.’_

 _Christ._ He needed to change the song before he really _did_ do something stupid. He wasn’t getting much packing done and was interrupted once more when he heard a car door slam behind him. Pulling his headphones down to rest on his neck, he turned to see whatever rude neighbor had slammed their door this late at night.

Adrian’s duffel bag fell from his hands, his whole body paled—more than his usual pasty color. “What-what are you doing here?’ The other blue-eyed boy looked at him intently, “I wanna come with you.”

Adrian looked at him precariously, not saying anything. Deran moved closer, just out of his reach. “If we’re both running away, we should do it together.” Adrian gazed at him keenly for a moment, deciding what to make of Deran’s confession. There was no denying that he wanted Deran to come, only the consequences that would follow. Those last lyrics played over in his mind again- _‘If you leap, I’ll come falling too.’_

“Ok, you drive.”

Deran’s face relaxed entirely, a smile creeping up his cheeks. Adrian simply began to transfer his things to Deran who packed them into the Scout. After everything was transferred over and packed safely away, Deran looked over to him with a seriousness in his eyes. “I meant to say _we_ wanna go with you.” Adrian arched and eyebrow. He was moments from questioning who ‘we’ meant, when Breaker popped up from the backseat, looking almost as cute as Deran.

A chuckle escaped him, and both he and Deran were finally able to relax. They hopped in the Scout and began their journey to what would hopefully be and escape for the both of them.

**-Deran-**

A few weeks before Adrian had come soaring back into his life, Deran had decided that he needed to get away for a while; he hadn’t been lying to Adrian when he said that they’d both been looking for an escape.

After Adrian had left his place that day, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he had let him walk away, again, and that he himself was about to do the same thing. If he was going to run away this time, it wouldn’t be alone. He had anticipated that Adrian would tell him ‘no’, fearing that he would ruin all they’d worked for this last year. It had shocked him to say the least, when Adrian had agreed without a fight and little hesitation.

The journey so far was going off without a hitch. They’d been gone for a few weeks now, the tour lasting through much of the summer.

Deran had left Craig some lame note about needing a break and that he would be back ‘soon’. Craig was the brother he was closest to and the one that would understand the most, even if he didn’t agree with it. If he had told Craig, he would’ve tried to invite himself along, ruining any chance he had at spending the summer with Adrian.

Every day, Deran stood on the beach watching his boy surf the waves like a pro; he was just as good as Deran always said, if not better. Adrian was qualifying in every event, picking up any slack others had left behind. Deran took care of all the driving, letting Adrian sit back and relax after his long days out on the water. Most nights, Adrian was too exhausted to do much of anything besides sleep. The bed was always given to Adrian; Deran crashed on the floor or whatever piece of random furniture lay in the hotel room.

If Adrian hadn’t been so tired or busy, Deran might’ve thought Adrian regretted letting him tag along. They hadn’t talked much at all, and definitely not about anything too serious, keeping their conversations much like their letters—light and safe. Deran remined himself that he was here to support Adrian, anything else was a bonus.

~

Deran was sitting on the beach in the warm sand, rubbing Breakers back when Adrian approached, looking drained form his long day of competing. They slapped hands in their usual greeting, Adrian taking a seat next him. “You looked good out there today man, solid.” Adrian smiled his way softly as Breaker moved to claim his attention. “Thanks. Qualified me for the next round. I get a few days off now while I wait for the rest of the sets to finish.” Deran cleared his throat in an attempt to stifle his excitement at this news. He knew he was here to support Adrian, but they hadn’t spent _any_ time together, not really. He’d be lying to himself to say he wasn’t jumping at this opportunity.

Calmly, he asked Adrian, “We staying here or moving on to the next town?” Adrian rubbed at Breaker’s belly; he always flopped on Adrian as he loved getting tummy rubs from him. “Uh, we can head to the next place, that way I can just chill before the next heat.”

Deran simply nodded. The boys stayed there a little longer until the morning was beginning to fade to afternoon, then they headed out, onto the next town. Taking off in the Scout, Adrian fell asleep within minutes, sleeping through the rest of the drive; Breaker lay at his feet in his usual spot. It was late at night by the time they rolled into the next town. Deran gently nudged Adrian awake then went inside the hotel office to check them in. When he returned to the car, Adrian was awake and standing outside the car stretching with Breaker close by his side.

“This place is beautiful, can’t wait to see it in the morning.” Deran tossed him one of the keys, moving to stand beside him. “We get a fancy ‘bungalow’ to stay in-whatever the fuck that is.” Adrian snorted before explaining to him it was similar to a house but smaller and that they would be over the water. That seemed to be all Deran needed to hear as he went to fire up the Scout, directing it toward their now Deran-approved bungalow.

The bungalow was unlike anything Deran had seen. It was lifted up off the ground, hovering just above the clear blue water; it was stunning. Inside the house it was just as charming, with a nice sized bed, some lounge chairs, and a coffee table. Deran looked from the bed to the chairs, desperately hoping they were comfier than they appeared. Why couldn’t they get just _one_ room on this trip that had two beds?! Deran sighed to himself, walking back down the stairs to grab their bags.

After unpacking the car, Adrian flopped down onto the bed, asking Deran, “So, what do you wanna do?” Deran refrained from saying the millions of things that popped into his mind at seeing Adrian laid out on the bed. He eventually settled for, “How about we get some food, I’m starved.” Adrian’s stomach growled almost at the same time, making the decision for them.

The restaurant they picked had a nice view of the ocean, which they could see clearly from the table they grabbed out on the deck. They picked at the basket of chips the waiter had brought over, throwing bits to Breaker who lay under the table. With their orders placed, there was nothing to do except wait. Deran fidgeted with Breaker who was playing with his feet, catching Adrian sneaking glances over to him out of the corner of his eye. “What?” Adrian tried to fake innocence, giving up when Deran’s glare burned a hole through him. “Nothing. This is just…nice is all.” He smiled awkwardly before turning away and Deran suddenly felt like the asshole he’d been trying so hard to get rid of.

Sitting at a table together out in public was never their thing; they were better at hiding. In the past, Deran would’ve kicked his ass just for mentioning the idea. Two guys eating dinner together was certainly ‘too gay’, and something Deran had feared for _far_ too long now. He wouldn’t say he was ready to hold Adrian’s hand in public or anything, but he didn’t have to be a dick about the dinner. Swapping his grimace with a smile, he met the other boy’s gaze. “Yea, it is.” Adrian’s dark blues lightened, his smile rising to meet them.

The rest of the meal went smoothly. They talked about how the tour had been going so far and how they were excited to get the chance to surf together in the coming week. For once, things were easy, simple even.

Despite his long nap earlier, Adrian still looked like he could use a good night’s sleep. Leaving the restaurant, they headed back to the hut. Both boys changed into basketball-style shorts, neither of them putting a shirt on. Adrian fell back onto the bed again, dragging the blankets back before climbing under them. Deran grabbed the extra blanket from the shelf, shut the lights off, and laid down in one of the chairs; they were unfortunately, as uncomfortable as the looked.

Silence surrounded them except for the sound of the waves crashing just beyond them, and Breaker’s soft snores from where he laid curled up at Adrian’s feet— _traitor_. Adrian shifted on the bed for what seemed like the millionth time; he was obviously just as restless as Deran.

His voice came out _so_ small that Deran would’ve missed it had he been letting out a breath at the same time. “Are you awake?”

Deran sat up slightly, trying to make sure he wasn’t hearing things. He could sense Adrian’s blues on him from across the room, waiting for him to respond; “mmhm,” was all he could manage. Almost softer than the first times, Adrian whispered out, “Come here.” Deran couldn’t decipher whether it was a question or a request. He only hesitated momentarily before deciding he didn’t care, rising from the chair, moving toward the bed. As he approached, he saw the outline of Adrian, who was lying on his side, using his elbow to prop himself up. Deran slowly crawled onto the bed, lying down, readjusting until he matched the other boys pose. 

Even in the dark, their blues radiated off each other, heat building between them. Deran snaked a hand out toward him, letting it rest on Adrian’s forehead, pausing to make sure it was accepted. Adrian leaned into Deran’s palm, giving him the answer he desired. Deran’s jagged fingers began rubbing circles into his temple, the other boys’ eyes closing as he took in Deran’s touch.

Deran’s fingers lingered there, waiting for Adrian to make the next move, afraid to fall back into old habits. Several long minutes passed, each one building the anticipation. Adrian reached up, grasping Deran at the wrist where it lay on his face, pulling it down slowly as he moved closer to him; so close, that their noses were practically touching. Still waiting for Adrian to set the pace, Deran stared him straight in the eyes, his blues radiating.

When their lips finally met, instincts took over; they were breathing each other in like it was their only source of oxygen. The kissing started slowly as they rediscovered one another, their tongues slipping into the others mouth, falling into sync easily.

Adrian was suddenly on top of Deran, deepening their kiss as their bare chests came together. Deran’s hands danced all over his bare back, pulling him closer and closer; Adrian’s hands ran all along his face and neck trying to do much of the same. Adrian’s rough fingers stopped at the bumpy spot above Deran’s left eyebrow. He pulled himself slightly apart from Deran, still looking down at him, “Does it hurt?” Deran smiled up at him warmly, “Not anymore.” Winking, he added, “The doc did a pretty good job fixing me up.” Adrian’s fingers lingered over the scar and he bent to press a tender kiss right over it. Replacing his lips with his fingers, he began kneading at the scar tissue once more. “It’s kinda hot.” Adrian’s fingers dug into the scar tissue further, causing a low growl to erupt from deep in Deran’s throat.

Deran was done letting Adrian set the pace; he flipped them over so that he was the one sitting on top. Looking down to meet his blues, he flicked his brows up and down, countering, “Yea? Show me.” Adrian used his legs to pull Deran back down to him, lifting his hips to grind up into Deran, causing friction to spark between them. Deran dipped down between his thighs, slipping a hand between them, taking hold of Adrian’s length through his shorts. Out of nowhere, Adrian pressed his palm to Deran’s chest, breaking their connection. “Do you have a condom?”

Deran froze completely, unable to move, or look away. Neither of them were strangers to sex, with either gender for Deran, but _never_ between the two of them. Over the years, they had explored each other’s bodies plenty, just never made that leap. It wasn’t that they hadn’t wanted to, it was what it would mean for them after the fact. Adrian might not have said it aloud, though it was obvious Deran had been the one for him for some time. For Deran it was making that leap between not only am _I_ gay, but also, the person I have feelings for is my _best friend_. It was something they wouldn’t be able to take back; it would change their relationship, forever.

Deran’s mind flooded with thought after thought, though he couldn’t find a reason to say no, not this time at least. Before he could contemplate the situation anymore, he leapt off the bed, heading straight for his bag. Grabbing a condom, he took out the bottle of lube too, which he’d been using for himself throughout the trip; he knew he’d need it being in such close quarters with Adrian all summer.

With both items in hand, he went back to the bed and crawled over to Adrian whose eyes had grown big; he looked as nervous as Deran felt. Biting at the inside of his mouth, Deran managed, “Are you sure?” Adrian stifled a laugh, “Never thought you’d be the one asking me.” Deran tried to take his comment lightly and hoped it had nothing to do with how he generally dominated Adrian without his consent. His heartrate sped up as panic began to set in, his mind racing back to all the times he’d fucked up. His instincts told him to bolt, but something held him back. A gentle touch brushed his face, “Hey, come back to me.” Deran closed his blues, leaning into Adrian’s palm. His words came out breathy, “I’m-I’m sorry. I don’t wanna fuck this up…I fuck up everything.” Adrian took Deran’s face in his hands, grasping him on his jawline. His voice was firm yet tender, “It’s just us D, just _me_ and _you_. Stop thinking so much.” 

Opening his eyes to meet the others, he let out a breath which Adrian caught, latching their lips together again. Deran’s body took over, his mind taking a backseat, as he slid up to straddle Adrian like before, pulling him up so their bare chests met. Deran kissed him slowly, his lips trailing down Adrian’s jawline before making their way to his lips. Adrian moaned faintly as Deran made his way down his opposite jawline. When he came to his lips again, Adrian pulled away slightly, grabbing Deran’s hands where they rested on his hips. He squeezed his fingers there slightly, answering his before question; “I’m sure.”

They started out slow, letting their bodies guide them. Kissing led to grinding, which led to their shorts being discarded, until eventually there was nothing left between them.

Adrian flipped onto his stomach, letting Deran know that’s what he wanted. Deran took his time lubing himself up as well as Adrian, making sure to stretch him thoroughly as not to hurt him, putting the condom on before pushing in. Deran pushed in and out of him from behind, keeping a steady pace until Adrian was _begging_ him for more. The friction between them built until it was unbearable, Deran hitting his release, with Adrian following soon after.

They fell back onto the bed, trying to slow their breathing. Once they both seemed settled again, Deran reached out for Adrian and pulled him close. Adrian lined his back with Deran’s chest, lacing their fingers together at his front. Deran relaxed into him, not having to pretend to be anyone but himself when it was just the two of them.

Something crawled up between them and they both burst into laughter, not knowing where Breaker had been hiding this whole time— _poor guy_.

With Breaker at their side, the three of them fell into a restful sleep. It was the first time they fell asleep knowingly, hopeful they would wake up the same.

There was no need to run when they had each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Let me know your thoughts 💙 
> 
> P.S. The next chapter is even longer 😉🤗
> 
> my tumblr


	13. The Summer of 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deran and Adrian spend the summer together; just them, Breaker, and the open waves. They've never been this close or calm, but as all seasons come to an end, so will their summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know, I'm a few days late but I promise this chapter is worth it!! It's longer than the last one and I think it might be my favorite <3
> 
> Enjoy!

**-Adrian-**

Adrian awoke trapped between his two personal heaters. Deran was glued to his back, Breaker to his front. It was something he’d gotten used to over the past weeks; he never wanted to wake up without them.

Trying not to disturb his bedmates, he lay there steadily, soaking up the moment. After that night, when they explored each other completely, they ended every night the same. Deran thrusted into him from behind, while Adrian tried to push back into him, only to have Deran push him away, teasing him with slower movements. Each night, Deran became less hesitant. He would discover something that drove Adrian crazy and pleasure him with it in slow bursts, driving him mad. They passed out in each other’s arms every night, too afraid to let go of the moment.

Little coos escaped Breaker’s mouth as his feet began to move forward in a running motion. Adrian couldn’t help the smile that crept up his face—Breaker was _so_ adorable when he dreamt. There was a slight woosh of air as Deran’s voice crept down his ear from behind, his morning voice coming out throaty as he spoke, “Chasing squirrels again mm?” It wasn’t _what_ he said, but how his voice sounded that Drove Adrian _wild_. He shifted so that he faced Deran, their blues instantly connecting. Reaching a hand out to Deran’s face, he rubbed circles along his stubble before leaning in to capture his lips. Deran kissed him back with a playfulness that had other parts of Adrian waking up.

Taking _full_ advantage of a still sleepy-Deran, Adrian slid between his legs, pinning them down between his own as he moved to straddle him. Deran pulled him down, kissing him rougher this time as he drug his nails down Adrian’s sides. Adrian’s breaths came out ragged and he was grateful they’d fallen asleep without any clothing as he ground down into Deran, shifting his hips slightly.

Their breaths came out panting, both of them moving faster to increase the friction. An alarm went off from beside them, halting the moment. Adrian groaned, reaching over to snooze his phone. “Shit. I’m gonna be late.”

Before he had time to think, he was being rolled onto his back, Deran staking his claim. “Shouldn’t have started something if you couldn’t finish it Dolan.” Sliding a hand down between them, Deran grabbed their dicks in one palm, rubbing them together smoothly. Grunting, Adrian couldn’t help but move into the touch as Deran’s hand picked up speed. Deran rubbed a thumb over his slit, lingering it there as Adrian’s hips twitched. Adrian’s words came out breathy, “ _Fuck me_.” Glancing down to him with a wicked smile, Deran said, “Is that what you want?”

Adrian threw his hand back onto the pillow, sweat dripping down his forehead—Deran was relentless. “I don’t have-” He was cut off when Deran began to rub against him, using his hands for extra leverage. Deran was all over him; his hands, his body, his warm breath. Adrian moved with him without thinking, grasping onto Deran’s hips as he brought him impossibly closer. As Deran sped up, Adrian released the grip he had on him, moving to fist his hands in the sheets. His hands gripped them firmly, as Deran ground down into him, pushing him to his release. Adrian unclenched his fist from the sheet, moving it to grab onto Deran’s length, just over where Deran’s own hand lay. With Adrian helping him along, it was mere seconds before Deran finished, and fell down onto him. Breath still heated, Deran placed a sloppy kiss on Adrian’s forehead before moving off of him and making his way to the bathroom. Adrian managed to join him shortly after, still breathless, and _definitely_ running late now. It was worth it.

~

Adrian scored high that day, giving him yet another win. He was in the top three for his division, and not slowing down anytime soon. To say he was having the best summer of his life was an understatement. The wins were great, he felt at the top of his game. It was having Deran with him on this journey that made it worth it. He never imagined any of it, especially the part where he got to start and end every day with Deran. There was no telling what would happen next, he only knew that he was going to enjoy it for as long as it lasted.

Once his sets were done for the day, he found Deran and Breaker on the beach soaking in the sun. He plopped down between them; a space already made for him. Breaker had grown some since they’d been on the tour, though he curled into Adrian’s lap as if he still fit. Deran shook his head, laughing at the two of them. “You know I’m chopped liver once you’re around right?” Adrian winked at him knowingly, leaning in to kiss him without realizing what he was doing. Deran didn’t pull back, in fact he didn’t move at all.

Breaker jumped out of Adrian’s lap to catch an oncoming Frisbee, causing him to pull away from Deran. Staring at his now empty lap, he muttered a ‘sorry’ Deran’s direction. He closed his eyes and waited, waited for the punch, waited for Deran to get up and leave—neither happened.

Silence was almost worse and had Adrian considering asking him to punch him just to get it over with. Deran rose abruptly, hollering for Breaker to come back. He reached a hand down to Adrian, which Adrian took tentatively after a moment, letting Deran pull him up. Deran held onto his hand, not making any move to drop it. Adrian’s eyes flicked over trying to catch Deran’s; they fell short when he turned in the opposite direction to look at Breaker who had returned. Deran squeezed his hand lightly, then released it gently. He moved forward turning slightly to say, “Let’s go home.” Not home as in Oceanside, but their home here, the one they had created for themselves.

~

A few more days and towns passed, each one beginning to blend into the next. It was the beginning of July; the 4th having passed a couple days prior. They had spent the night watching fireworks over the beach, much the same as they did back home. Except here they were alone and Deran held him closely, closer than he ever had.

When Adrian woke a couple mornings later, he pushed his body back, seeking the warmth of the other boy—nothing. He jerked his eyes open only to find Breaker curled up in his usual spot, Deran absent from his other side.

A frown formed over his face as he laid his head back onto the pillow. It had been a while since Deran had ran away; he’d never left his side throughout this tour. Nothing had been off last night or out of place, at least not that Adrian could remember. Deran had been quieter sure, but they had both been beat from a long day out on the beach. Adrian had had the day off, so they’d spent it surfing, fucking, and playing with Breaker—nothing out of the ordinary. Not to mention, they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, Deran being the one to pull Adrian in closer.

Adrian knew their easiness wouldn’t last forever, but he didn’t understand why he would disappear on today of _all_ days—his birthday. They hadn’t necessarily talked about it, Adrian figured they would spend time together, just the two of them; that was all he wanted anyway.

He curled up next to Breaker, who licked at his hands happily; guess a dog really was a man’s best friend.

When he finally dragged himself out of bed, he’d been awake for over an hour and still no sight of Deran. Not wanting to waist anymore of his day, Adrian took a quick shower before suiting up and grabbing his board to head down toward the beach. There were practice runs going today, so Adrian thought he’d use his day off wisely, especially with Deran abandoning him. Once he had Breaker situated with some of his friends, he paddled out into the water. He got lost in the waves as he let them pull him in and out. The waves were perfect that day with a clear blue sky to match; a gift from nature on his birthday.

By the time Adrian finished his sets and messing around on the water, it was late in the afternoon. He found Breaker among his friends and went to join them, easily getting lost in their conversations. It was getting late, creeping into the early evening before he realized it; he still hadn’t seen a glimpse of Deran all day. With Breaker in tow, he headed back to their hotel room, opening it to see it was just the way he’d left it hours ago—no signs Deran had been there.

Reaching into one of his bags, he dug around until he found his phone, pulling it out to check his messages. The picture he’d stupidly set as his background popped up, mocking him. He puffed out a heavy breath as he unlocked his phone, the picture of Deran with Breaker fading out. Various friends and family members had sent him ‘Happy Birthday’. They were sweet, just not from the person he’d been missing all day. Taking in a deep breath, he let it out slowly before dialing Deran—it went straight to voicemail.

Adrian was at a loss. _Nothing_ had changed between last night and this morning, so why had Deran gone MIA? It didn’t make sense; most things with Deran never did.

After taking another shower to wash the day off and clear his mind, he laid back on the bed, Breaker curling into him warmly. Breaker look at him with those big blue eyes of his saying, ‘ _I’m_ sorry’. Adrian scratched behind his ears, hitting his favorite spot. “Me too buddy, me too.”

With Breaker at his side, he drifted into a heavy sleep, hardly having noticed he’d fallen asleep. It wasn’t until he heard a pounding in his head, that his eyes opened to find the same darkness they were just in. Breaker was barking non-stop by the door. Adrian jolted out of his sleep finally; the pounding was coming from the door, not his head—thankfully.

The night light was shining through the windows. Rubbing at his eyes as he adjusted to the darkness, the knocking increased.

“Alright. Jesus I’m coming!”

Breaker was _all_ over the door, leaping onto the person beyond it as soon as Adrian pulled it open.

“Finally, Jesus. Thought I was gonna have to break down the door”

Adrian stared blankly at Deran, irritation rising within him. “Yea well, that’s what they make keys for.” He turned to walk away, but Deran grabbed his forearm, pulling him back. “Come on we have to go. We’re gonna be late!” Adrian looked at him incredulously, though he was already halfway out the door with Breaker close behind. Deran hollered back, “Grab some jackets too. Let’s go Dolan!!”

He stood there absently for a minute, unsure of what to do, eventually moving to grab two jackets. The ones he ended up grabbing were the ones they’d ‘accidentally borrowed’ from each other at some point— _fantastic._ Rolling his eyes, he shoved the sweatshirts under his arm as he headed out to catch up with Deran.

The only lights down on the beach came from lanterns, campfires, and the night sky itself. Deran had his own makeshift campsite set up, veered just off from the others. It was basically just a fire with some chairs around it, nothing fancy, but perfect for them.

Breaker was rolling around in the sand happy as could be; Adrian was lost. “Deran what the-” He was cut off when Deran grabbed him roughly, tugging him until they were standing next to each other. Pointing toward the sky, Deran directed Adrian’s attention above them. “Look, they’re about to start.” Adrian’s evident annoyance came out in a loud sigh; “Deran I just wanna go back to the room.” In a more mumbled tone he added, “Not like I’ve never seen fireworks before.”

Deran was light and carefree next to him; apparently their demeanors had changed for the time being. “Yea, but you haven’t seen _these_ ones.” Adrian scoffed; didn’t all fireworks look the same?

Before he could protest further, Deran slid behind him, placing his hands on either side of Adrian’s head. Deran tilted Adrian’s head up to the sky slightly, “Just watch. _Please._ ”

Though Adrian was unamused, he heard the plea in Deran’s voice. He felt himself slowly relaxing into the hold, letting some of his anger fade.

Fireworks lit up the night sky with pops of color everywhere. Breaker sat by their feet, watching along; he’d come to enjoy them after all the fireworks they’d seen on the tour—it was also the reason Adrian was sick of them. However, it was nice to have Deran so close, especially in such a public setting. Closing his eyes, he decided to enjoy the moment for what it was.

A whisper crept down his neck, “Are you watching?” His blues flew open as several bangs went off in the air. A cluster of them were sent up next, one after the other. The sky lit up in colors of blue, green, and red, spelling something out. Adrian read them in sequence, his breath hitching in his lungs when everyone around him hollered out what he’d just read, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADRIAN!!”

Whispering in his ear once more, Deran said, “Sorry I disappeared all day. Happy Birthday.” The latter sent chills creeping down his spine, moving down his entire length. He moved to thank him, but was suddenly bombarded with their tour friends who were holding a giant cake, complete with sparklers and candles. He blew them out without a wish in mind. In this moment, there was nothing else he could ask for.

They spent the rest of the night together on the beach, just the three of them. He was sitting in front of Deran, leaning back into him. His bare arms caught goosebumps as the wind picked up. Deran’s firm hands rubbed them in quick motions, “You cold?” Adrian shrugged. He didn’t want to move from this spot; he was comfy and everything was perfect—just the way he wanted to end his special day.

Deran reached over to pick up one of the sweatshirts, pausing as he picked one up and then the other. He questioned, “Umm I think these are…what…ok I’m confused.” Adrian busted up laughing, falling back into Deran even more. “Well, I think they’re _both_ ours. I don’t know when you stole mine, but you sort of _gave_ me yours.” He glanced back to Deran who was thinking it over. After a minute he finally said, “Yea, shoulda left you with more than that.” Adrian caught Deran’s lips in a searing kiss, “It doesn’t matter anymore. I have you back and that’s all I care about.” Deran wrapped him up tightly in his arms, pressing their chests together.

Adrian only hoped that when the tour ended, they wouldn’t; he needed more than one summer together.

**-Deran-**

When Deran finally got Adrian to leave the beach late into the night, he couldn’t get him to shut up. All he could ask was how Deran was able to pull it all off, and how incredible it was. It really hadn’t been all that difficult though, considering Adrian was leading the tour and people were lining up to sponsor him and all. Deran simply asked and received; Adrian swore he used some of his ‘Cody-methods’ to get his way, but he swears he’s innocent—mostly.

Next up was Deran’s birthday, which fell a couple of weeks after Adrian’s. Unlike Deran who hadn’t asked Adrian what he wanted to do for his birthday, Adrian wouldn’t leave him alone about his. He insisted he wanted to do something amazing for Deran in return for the firework show. All Deran wanted was to spend the day with him, maybe do some surfing, nothing special. Adrian felt even worse when he ended up not getting the day of Deran’s birthday off.

He apologized profusely, swearing to Deran he’d make it up to him. Deran wasn’t sorry; there wasn’t anything he enjoyed more than spending the day siting on the beach with his boy Breaker while he watched his other boy catch the waves.

The day had gone perfectly for Deran, even if Adrian thought it wasn’t enough. Adrian did surprise him at the end of the day with special brownies, so there was that.

~ 

The summer was passing them by with August arriving. The tour was coming to an end, their last night upon them; they would be heading out tomorrow after the finalist’s ceremony was held. Adrian had come in second for state and first for his division, just as Deran knew he would; Adrian just had to believe in himself.

It was late into the night, well past midnight. They were laying together in bed with no barriers between them, various limbs intertwined.

Neither of them wanted to admit why they were up so late, considering the long day they had ahead of them. They knew if they fell asleep, they would wake up in tomorrow—tomorrow held too many questions.

So, they simply laid there in each other’s arms, filling the silence as needed.

Adrian’s chin moved where it was on Deran’s chest when he spoke, “I can’t remember any of our summers ever being _this_ good.” Deran chuckled beneath him, “Not even the one where I was in juvie or when we were both grounded?” Deran remembered how shitty the summer he spent in juvie had been, for both of them. The grounding, if he remembered right, had to do with some dumb shit they’d pulled together in middle school.

Adrian seemed to be thinking back on them as well, taking a beat before he answered, “Definitely not those.”

Deran ran his hand from Adrian’s shoulder, down his sides, leaving his touch as he went. He wanted to stay in the world they’d created over these last months, just the two of them. He wasn’t ready to go home and deal with all of the bullshit that had inevitably built up, and he certainly wasn’t ready to define whatever it was him and Adrian had been doing all this time.

Creating memories with Adrian had become his favorite thing, one he wasn’t ready to give up—he never would be.

Firm hands gripped his waist as Adrian pulled himself up to meet Deran’s blues. Adrian kissed him tenderly over his scar, hovering there before moving down to meet his lips. Brushing back his long locks, Adrian caressed Deran’s face in his hands. His words came out faintly, “Don’t leave me, not yet.”

Deran took Adrian by the hips, picking him up to place him over his lap. Their lips found each other once again as their bodies crashed together. It wasn’t long until Deran flipped them over, taking his place on top.

He planted kisses down Adrian’s toned chest, stopping near the base of his happy trail. Adrian inhaled from deep within, readying himself for what he knew came next. Adrian’s hands fisted into the sheets as Deran sucked his length down, taking him in his mouth entirely. Deran played with Adrian’s cock, teasing him as he bobbed his head up and down slowly. When Adrian’s hips began to twitch, Deran knew he was almost there, and began to increase his movements, licking up and down his length as he went. Adrian’s breaths came out ragged, hitching just before he came in Deran’s mouth.

Wasting no time, Deran wiped his lips and hopped off the bed to grab the lube and condoms. Apparently, Adrian didn’t want to waste anytime either as he was already on his knees when Deran returned. Deran crawled over to Adrian slowly, not making any moves. After a few beats, Adrian swiveled his head around to meet Deran.

Deran could see the panic rising in his boy’s dark blues; he needed to tell him before Adrian thought something was wrong.

Biting his lip, he shook his head slightly, “Not like this.” Adrian’s face became mischievous as he moved to sit up, push Deran down, and hover over his dick. “Ok Cody. You wanna see who’s better at it huh?” Deran wanted to make some joke about how they both knew who was better at it, though his nerves were shot; he had to get out what he wanted before he bailed altogether.

Quickly, before Adrian could suck him down, Deran pushed Adrian off of him and onto his back. He placed himself between Adrian’s legs, eventually bringing them up to the crook of his arms. “Like this.”

Adrian’s blues were wild, his face filled with anticipation. Deran bent to kiss him chastely, “Is this-is this ok?” Adrian looked shocked to say the least; Deran could guess why. They hadn’t ever done it this way, face to face—it always made Deran feel too vulnerable. There was something about tonight though; he didn’t want to look away from Adrian, couldn’t look away from him.

Calloused fingers crept up to his wrists, squeezing slightly, “Ok.” He figured Adrian was too stunned to say much more; it was enough.

As Deran pushed in and out of Adrian, he kept their eyes locked, begging Adrian not to look away. He was afraid to avert his gaze from Adrian, like he might disappear the moment he did.

The look in their eyes fueled their passion as they thrust into one another. Deran’s blues ignited as Adrian’s rolled back, both of them finding their release.

In that moment, all they saw was each other, the flame burning bright, daring to be put out.

~

When they woke hours later, nothing was said; they simply packed and headed out, the same way they left a few months prior.

Deran admired Adrian as he accepted his awards, graciously. Breaker never left Adrian’s side on stage, no matter how stern Deran yelled to him; he got it, he never wanted to leave Adrian’s side either.

The three of them headed out late in the afternoon. They were only about an hour outside of town, the tour ending much where it had stared. The drive felt short, every mile bringing them closer to home, yet further apart from each other.

Too anxious to speak, they stayed silent, the only noise coming from Breaker or the wind as it whipped through the Scout. Deran hadn’t asked where he was taking Adrian, driving on autopilot until he arrived at his own apartment.

Breaker hopped out as soon as Deran put it in park, not bothering to wait for someone to open the door. The boys hopped out, stretching their limbs before turning towards one another.

Deran spoke first, “Home sweet home huh?” Adrian nodded in agreement, kicking his foot out to tap the tire lightly. “Yea, guess so.”

Ignoring Adrian’s demeanor, Deran moved toward the door with Breaker right on his heel; Adrian followed shortly after.

Grabbing two beers from the otherwise empty fridge, Deran leaned against the counter, handing one to Adrian, who took it with a nod of his head. “So, you gonna get your own place man, or stay with your parents for a while?” Adrian took another sip, looking anywhere but Deran’s direction, clearly trying to avoid answering. Deran looked to him curiously waiting for him so say something. When he finally looked up to meet Deran, his face had fallen, lacking any of the joy it held just hours ago.

Clearing his throat, he finally answered Deran. “I’m going back. Back to school I mean. Classes start in a few days…”

Deran set his beer on the counter harder than he’d meant to, colliding it with the linoleum loudly. Deran’s fingers gripped into the counter behind him, “You never said anything.”

Adrian’s hands slipped into his pockets; he shrugged his shoulders slightly, “You never asked.”

Everything around them moved while they stood still, both knowing where this conversation was leading.

Adrian spoke again, a little sterner this time, “At least I’m _telling_ you, I could’ve just left-you know like you do…”

A nerve pinched in Deran; his jaw clenched together tightly as he grit his teeth. He slumped his head back to lean against the cabinet, shut his eyes, praying for the pain to stop. Tears leaked out of his closed lids even as he fought them.

Adrian was there suddenly, wiping them away with the pads of his thumbs. Deran grabbed him harshly by his shirtfront, pushing him back; the hurt in Adrian’s face hit immediately. Changing tactics, Deran pulled Adrian towards him, pushing his head into his chest, his body heaving as the sobs started. Adrian’s steady arms curled around his body, supporting both their weights.

Deran’s tears ran down Adrian’s chest where his head rested in the crook of Adrian’s neck. Moisture ran down the back of Deran’s neck as Adrian couldn’t hold his own tears back. It was like bleeding into the other person, not knowing where one started and the other ended. They both knew what they couldn’t have—maybe they never had each other to begin with.

“Fuck!” Deran shouted as he pulled out of Adrian’s grip, his fists instantly finding the countertop, colliding with it forcefully. He slammed them down several times, not noticing the sting or the red hue it left.

Adrian’s gaze lingered on him, faltering when the tinging of Breakers collar signaled his entrance. Adrian bent to take him in his arms. Pets and rubs were left all along him, especially his belly. “I’m gonna miss you buddy. Don’t forget me ok?” Breaker howled in return, licking at his face as he seemed to say, ‘who could forget you?’ Tears touched his blues once more as he gave Breaker a kiss before bending down to place him back onto the floor. He stood up, glancing somewhat in Deran’s direction; neither of them met the other’s gaze.

“I have to go D.” Deran nodded his direction, not picking his head up. He saw the other boy nod in return, turning on his heel to leave.

Deran didn’t know what to say; everything seemed over-said or overdone between them—goodbyes were kind of their thing, not that they’d ever been any good at them. He knew he couldn’t let him leave without making it clear how he felt; something had to change this time.

Stepping forward slowly, he moved until he’d come to Adrian. He reached out to grasp his wrist, the other boy let him with ease. With his back still to him, Adrian whispered, “You could come with me…” It wasn’t a question and he knew Deran wouldn’t answer it, but like Deran, Adrian needed to say something, anything.

There was a song touching at the back of Deran’s memory. The lyrics coming to mind slowly.

_‘If we can make it through another day, with you believing in my innocence, and we can make it through another year, cause we both need it to forget this fear.’_

If they had made it this far, they could make it through another year—they could at least try to.

Deran twisted Adrian so they met, face to face. “I can give you a ride.” Adrian met his eyes this time, offering a strained smile, “I already called for one, but thanks.”

Deran scanned his face, looking for any kind of sign. When Adrian didn’t look away, he took that as his cue. He cupped Adrian’s face, bringing it to his own. Their noses brushed slightly before their lips connected, kissing each other with all they had.

They finally parted, unwillingly, Adrian offering Deran his lopsided smile. Deran looked at him with such an intensity that caused Adrian to shiver, goosebumps pricking on his arms. Adrian turned to the door once again, placing his hand on the knob.

“Adrian.” It was so quiet, but Deran knew he heard it when his body twitched slightly, pausing on the door handle.

Adrian waited, but nothing else came out. Neither of them said anything else; Deran too afraid to say how he really felt and Adrian knowing he wouldn’t.

The door shut harshly behind him, closing them off from each other yet again.

The song played in his mind some more, the next set of lyrics hitting him hard,

_‘I don’t want you to forget and just pretend that it never happened.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! What did you think? Tell me your favorite line or part! I love hearing from you guys (:
> 
> I wrote the final chapter last night so we're nearing the end 😪 I'm thinking about 16-17 chapters...the last one is realllyyy long and I can't decide if I should split it up or not! 
> 
> Song is: White Lie by the Lumineers 
> 
> my tumblr


	14. Lost without you/Lost within you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's lots of Breaker fluff in this one. That's it, that's the summary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14! I give up on posting days 🤪
> 
> Enjoy!!

**-Adrian-**

Leaving Deran felt different this time; things between them were _different._ There were no promises made to each other. Like always, they left their relationship unestablished.

When Deran had called his name so softly, Adrian swore he was going to say something, something _real._ He didn’t; some things were better left unsaid. Adrian knew Deran was too afraid to say how he really felt, or what he really wanted. It’s why he let Adrian go and why Adrian went; they were both afraid to be honest about what they wanted.

Over their time together during the summer, Deran had gotten ahold of his number. They began texting back and forth shortly after Adrian had headed back to school. Most of the texts were meaningless, it simply provided them a way to communicate.

Adrian had been back in school for a few months now. His classes kept him busy and he was able to keep his GPA in the 4.0 region. Everything was going great, really it was. That was except for the fact that Adrian had little to no interest in school these days. He was still too lost in the summer, and not just because of Deran. Surfing was his thing. Not only was he good at it, but he genuinely _loved_ it. The ocean made him feel free; he could get lost in the waves, drifting with them as he surfed them with intention.

School on the other hand, made him feel trapped. He was miles from home…from Deran. He was beginning to realize he had absolutely _no_ idea what he wanted out of school anymore. At first, it was an escape. School kept his mind focused, took him away from home and everything there that had been causing him pain. Now that he was in his second year, he wasn’t sure it was enough. He’d taken the business route, hoping one day he could open his own surf shop somewhere, maybe even take over Tao’s back home.

The thing was, he was good at school; it was easy for him—it just didn’t bring him any drive, not the way surfing did. He wasn’t sure how to explain that to anyone, except maybe Deran. They had always shared a love for surfing; it was the thing that brought them closer to begin with. If anyone would have his back on quitting school for surfing it would be Deran.

When he first started school over a year ago, it was the only thing Adrian had going for him; he wanted to make a career through it. Now that time had passed, he wasn’t so keen on the idea. It was crazy how one day something that had meant everything to him suddenly just…didn’t. He couldn’t let Deran be the deciding factor on quitting school, not when he was the reason why he went away and started.

Even if he did give up school, he didn’t exactly have a plan B. School was just supposed to work, the way he and Deran should. Besides, he couldn’t just quit school and go back home; what would he even be going home to? He didn’t want to be at his parents and he wasn’t even contemplating living with Deran; it wasn’t like they could be together—he wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted anyway. Deran came with _a lot_ of baggage, they both did. 

Groaning to himself, Adrian debated calling Deran. His voice always soothed him, brining him back down. Deran’s voice was addicting; he craved it almost as much as surfing.

Texting was one thing—calling would open a whole other can of worms.

In the end, he decided on a letter; it was more _their thing_ anyway. They didn’t talk about anything personal over text, so Adrian didn’t know much of what had been going on in his life. He figured it was much of the same, but he wanted to know everything about Deran, always.

Pondering, he bit at the pencil between his teeth. He was unsure of how to start the letter, let alone what he would write in-between. There were _so_ many thoughts racing through his mind; he just wasn’t sure which ones he wanted to share with Deran.

He finally decided to start with the basics and go on from there—kind of how they always had.

_‘Hey D,_

_Texting didn’t seem like enough-but calling seemed like too much-hope that makes sense. So, I decided to go back to what seems to work for us.’_

**-Deran-**

Deran lasted two weeks. _Two whole weeks._

They were the longest weeks of his life after spending the entire summer with Adrian. He couldn’t take the pain anymore after those first weeks. Deran finally broke down and shuffled back to Smurf’s. He hated it there, _hated_ himself for going back there, but he hated being alone even more.

Smurf had welcomed him back with open arms, pulling him into her, wrapping her sly arms around him. Her look was condescending, as if to say, ‘ _See baby, I knew you’d come back. Mommy’s always here for you_.’ His skin pricked at the memory, his insides squirming.

Amazingly she hadn’t said anything about him bringing Breaker along, other than he’d better clean up after him; it was enough of a warning—he remembers what happened to Craig’s dogs.

Breaker and him had spent those first two weeks together in their loneliness, both staring endlessly at the blank walls. Breaker had gotten extremely attached to Adrian over the summer and was constantly looking around from him, his ears dropping every time he came up empty. Deran would snuggle up to him, repeating the phrase, ‘ _I miss him too bud.’_ He wasn’t sure who he was trying to comfort more.

Being back at Smurf’s gave him the distraction he was looking for. He could focus all of his energy on the jobs, and hating her, plus he had his brothers to fill some of the void; he ignored Smurf as much as possible.

The texts between him and Adrian were void of any real emotion or thought. They talked about the basics: how’s your day, what’re you doing, and the worst of them all…the weather. Deran was grateful they were talking at all, he just wanted more; bits of Adrian were never enough. He’d tried to call him several times, his finger hovering over the send button just before he tossed his phone aside again. Texting was easy, simple. They could hide how they were really feeling. If they called, they would hear the crack in each other’s voices, the fear of saying _too_ much, the awkward silences that neither of them knew how to fill.

Deran went to check on things at his apartment, mostly for something to do. He didn’t plan on staying at Smurf’s forever, though he couldn’t seem to leave either.

The place looked pretty much the same as he’d left it, beer bottles strewn about, the bed sheets rumpled in a corner, dishes piled up in the sink—Pope would have a fit.

Sitting on his couch, he leaned back, taking a drag from his cigarette. Breaker bounded up to his side with papers sticking out of his mouth. “Whatcha got there buddy?” Breaker released his hold as Deran reached a hand up to grab them. “Brought me the mail huh?” Breaker howled in his excited tone, nudging the mail closer to Deran using his nose. Deran eyed him curiously before looking down and filing through the envelopes; he stopped when he came to the letter.

Picking it out from the rest, he held it up to Breaker who licked at it happily. Deran shook his head, winking at Breaker, “Knew I kept you around for a reason.” Breaker pawed at him playfully and Deran rubbed at his head, planting a kiss on the top of his snout.

Tearing the envelope, he took out the piece of paper, unfolding it before he began reading.

_‘Hey D,_

_Texting didn’t seem like enough-but calling seemed like too much-hope that makes sense._ **(It did)**

_So, I decided to go back to what seems to work for us._

_The fall semester starting is really making me miss summer man._ **(back to the weather shit huh)**

_I miss surfing and being on the tour…I miss us. But you know what I miss the most? Breaker!_ **(Fucker)**

_He’s gotta be getting big by now huh? I loved waking up to him every morning, always keeping me warm and safe. He would always be waiting to greet me after the long days, always so happy and ready to lick my face._

_God, I miss that._

_Can you tell him for me? Just let him know that I miss him and wish we could always be together. Tell him to be a good boy and that I hope we can see each other soon. Ok?_ **(Ok)**

_-A’_

Deran tipped the letter down to peer at Breaker who still hadn’t left his side. “You hear that buddy, he wants you to be a good boy, ok?” Breakers head tilted; he knew he was a good boy, just as Deran knew Adrian wasn’t talking about Breaker, not really. Everything always seemed easier when they weren’t talking about each other. In letters they could disguise the pain in their voices, the hurt in their eyes.

He stretched out on the couch, resting his head back on the pillow. Breaker crawled to curl up at his side, nearly fitting his length now. He laid there for a while, snuggling his pup while dreaming about his boy.

When he got up an hour or so later, he found a piece of paper and a pen, setting out to write Adrian back. Once it was finished, he printed out another piece of paper, folding it in with the letter before sealing it. If Adrian could pretend, so could he.

**-Adrian-**

About a week after he’d sent his letter to Deran, he received one back. He had been nervous to send his letter, afraid Deran wouldn’t understand what he was inferring, or worse—that he would.

Even though the summer had come and gone and they’d still never established what they were to each other; Adrian hoped Deran still felt the same way. They hadn’t left on bad terms; it had been more like: _I’m going to kiss you then you leave and we don’t talk about it._ You know, a completely normal exchange between two people that buried their feelings for each other over the years. Well, it was normal for them anyway, that is, minus their usual arguing and what not.

He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly before opening the envelope and dispensing its contents. When he unfolded the letter, an extra piece of folded paper fell out; he set it aside, guessing it was meant to be opened last. The messy handwriting came to life as he began reading.

_‘Hey A,_

_Well since Breaker brought me ur letter from the piled up stack, figured I shd let him read it and all._

_Anyway, he said he misses u to and licking ur face-he really misses that._

_He wanted u to no the best part of his day was watchin u surf and shit. But his favorite part was curling up with u at night. He likes protecting u._

_Woof woof!_

_O, he wants me to add that he just sits around waiting for u to come back…he wishes u could always be together to. And I told him everything u said…he nos._

_Well as u see I got really fuckin’ fluent in dog, so add that to my resume bitch! haha_

_-D_

_PS (yep still don’t get it, but since u miss him so much thought u could use a current pic-u can thank me later)_

Adrian was laughing, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. Somehow, they always found a way around _actually_ talking to one another.

Picking up the other paper, he unfolded it to find a picture of Breaker, _just_ Breaker— _Fucker._ He still had the picture Deran had sent the last time, tucked carefully into his box of letters. Breaker had definitely grown over the last months, his puppy size slowly fading.

Looking down at the picture again, he chuckled softly; guess that’s what he got for starting the whole ‘dog thing’. Even if the letter had been told through Breaker, Deran had wrote really honestly about his feelings. It tugged at Adrian’s heartstrings not to be near him; the piled-up mail making him worry. It meant one of two things: he was too busy sulking and couldn’t be bothered, or he’d gone back to Smurf’s; he hated both options.

Deran made his own choices and Adrian had accepted that a long time ago; it didn’t mean he had to like them though. Every time he thought Deran was moving forward, he let Smurf slither back into his life. Smurf had taught Deran better than _anyone_ how to hate himself. It was essentially, ‘if you don’t fuck me, you’ll get nowhere in life.’ Goosebumps crept up Adrian’s arms and the back of his neck. Deran had never told him as much, though it was easy enough to infer if you spent enough time at the Cody’s.

Until Deran learned to live without her, they could never be together, not in the ways they wanted to.

~

Over the next couple of months, they sent a handful of letters back and forth. Adrian had tried to inadvertently ask where Deran had been staying, though he never got any real answers out of him—not that he expected to.

December was halfway through, his winter break approaching soon. His finals were all completed and he was free until January. The thought of spending another Christmas alone made him queasy. He didn’t want to be alone for the holidays, that much he knew; it was where he would go that puzzled him.

His mom would be hurt if he didn’t at least visit her; he’d made that mistake last year. No way was he staying with Deran if he was at Smurf’s; that was a disaster waiting to happen. He wasn’t sure if staying with Deran was the best idea anyway; it wasn’t like he was staying.

Besides, he didn’t even know if Deran wanted to see him. Things were sort of neutral between them at the moment which meant they were bound to break at any given moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! 
> 
> I hate to say this...but we are nearing the end 😪 I have decided to end this with 17 chapters; I was thinking 16 but there's just too much for one chapter!
> 
> As always, let me know what your thoughts are 💙
> 
> tumblr


	15. Tis the Damn Season

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I brought Taylor in to help me with this one 😉 
> 
> This is a long one ya'll, so get ready! I couldn't get these two out of my mind when hearing this song, and it fit in perfectly for where I wanted to take the storyline. I hope you enjoy!! 
> 
> **side note** This is probably the most smut I've ever written 👀🔥
> 
> Title and lyrics by Taylor Swift ❣

**-Adrian-**

_‘It’s the kind of cold, fogs up windshield glass.’_

After a few days of fighting with himself, Adrian finally decided he needed to go home for the holidays, or, at least for a weekend.

That’s how he found himself sitting in traffic in the middle of the afternoon one Friday. The trip back home took just over an hour—he’d been sitting in traffic for longer than that now. He tried to convince himself this wasn’t a sign and that he was overreacting. Christmas was coming up, which meant everyone and their brother was out and about.

He sighed heavily, slumping his head back onto the headrest. His mom had been thrilled when he’d called to tell her last night; she didn’t bother mentioning his dad. She did say that Jess was in town. He hadn’t seen his sister since Deran was in juvie; at least one of them got out for good.

When he finally rolled into Oceanside nearly three hours later, a thick fog clouded the air. _Breathe Adrian. Just, Breathe._

It had taken _everything_ in him to make this drive; he couldn’t turn around now.

_‘There’s an ach in you put there by the ache in me. And it always leads to you and my hometown. I parked my car right between the Methodist and the school that used to be ours.’_

He drove through town, trying not to notice _everything_ that remined him of _him._ Their favorite spot underneath the pier, the skatepark, the random alley they sometimes hung out in, and even the school that at one point was the only way they saw each other.

His heavy breaths were fogging up the inside windows, leaving his car in a complete haze, inside and out. _Damn Cody._ _Everything_ always led Adrian to him, led him back home.

Stepping on the accelerator, he pushed on. Not stopping until he reached his parents’ place. As he exited the car, he took in a few breaths, readying himself for what lay beyond the door. He reached a hand up to knock on the door, though Jess had it open before it connected. She tackled him in a bear hug. “Baby brother!!” She squealed into his ear, not letting him go. Adrian squeezed her back, grateful for something to hold onto. His mom came next, wrapping him up tightly, “I’m _so_ glad you decided to come home honey!” He smiled at her brightly, not wanting to ruin the moment.

When they finally let him in, he spotted his father passed out in the recliner, beer bottle still in hand. His mom and sister pretended not to notice, ushering him past and into the next room. They asked him all about school and how his life was in general; he reciprocated the notion. After about an hour, Ms. Dolan took her husband out for dinner, leaving Jess and Adrian to themselves.

A bowl of chips and dip sat on the table between them, both of them nibbling on it absently. In no time, Jess was looking at him inquisitively. “So, are you going to tell me what’s _really_ going on in your life or why you’re pretending you actually _want_ to be here at mom and dad’s?”

He scrubbed his hands across his face. “Jess, can we not do this, _please?_ ” Jess grumbled from where she sat across from him. She let it go, but only for a minute. “Oh, _come_ on! You can’t tell me you spent the _whole_ summer together and then just not give me any updates!”

Adrian chuckled, shaking his head her direction, “Summer was…a long time ago. I didn’t come here for him.” Jess’ head tilted his direction, a smirk playing on her face. “Yea, o-k,” she said drawing it out. “I dunno which one of us you’re trying to lie to, but it’s not working—on either account.”

He smiled at her weakly. She was right, he just wasn’t sure what to do about it.

**-Deran-**

_‘Write this down, I’m stayin’ at my parents’ house.’_

Deran let too many months slip by. He had been staying at Smurf’s for almost four months now; four _long_ months. He told himself it was easier for the jobs and it kept Smurf happy—win, win. The only one losing in this situation was him, and he was sick of it.

Adrian had somehow figured it out too, Deran never having confirmed it. The little questions he slyly hinted at in the letters didn’t slide by Deran, and apparently not Adrian either. If Deran admitted it, he would be confirming that Adrian was right—he did always run back to mommy.

It made him feel weak and vulnerable. Adrian had made it clear long ago that he could hold his own concerning Deran’s family; that didn’t mean Deran wanted him to.

He tried to get Smurf’s touch off his body, Adrian’s words out of his head. He’d screwed a handful of guys since the end of summer, each one making him feel worse than the next. They meant nothing to him; when he was with him it was like he couldn’t feel anything at all.

The letters from Adrian kept him going, they just weren’t enough. Adrian’s winter break was coming up, though he hadn’t mentioned anything about coming home—not that Deran expected him to. If they didn’t talk about the hard things, then they didn’t exist; at least they could pretend they didn’t.

Craig plopped down next to him and Breaker on the sofa. “You know, your dog seems just as gloomy as you bro.” Craig kicked his feet up onto the table, glancing between the two of them again, “You’re perfect for each other bro.” Craig laughed to himself; Deran flipped him off, not bothering to look his direction. Breaker slumped next to him, clearly having the same feelings; he wasn’t denying it, Craig was just a dick about it. Breaker had gotten close with Adrian over the summer and was definitely going through separation anxiety—Deran knew the feeling.

Craig’s still sitting next to them, uninvited, picking at the cushions. “Smurf’s gonna be pissed if she finds dog hair on the couch again.” Still not looking at him, Deran rebutted, “Guess you better get your hairy ass off the couch then.” Craig reached out to slug him, pulling back quickly as Breaker stood to attack, baring his teeth.

Craig’s voice rose with irritation, “That’s bullshit man!” Glaring at Deran he huffed out, “Your dog’s just as psycho as you man.” _That_ is what finally gained him Deran’s attention.

Deran rose from the couch at the same time Craig did, slugging him right in the gut. Craig winced briefly before swinging back swiftly, catching Deran much the same. Soon they were in a full-on fight, Breaker barking and snapping Craig’s direction. They tousled on the floor, swatting at each other as they fought for the upper hand. Blood spewed from Craig’s nose as Deran punched him again; Craig caught him soon after, connecting his fist with Deran’s jaw, right by his lips.

A whistling sound stopped them both in their tracks. They looked up to a straight-faced Pope. “Are you ladies done now, or should I join in and end it for you?”

Craig glowered his eyes; he used his arm to wipe the blood from his still bleeding nose. Deran spat in the opposite direction, blood spewing from his mouth; he reveled in the thought that Smurf would have to clean it up.

Deran snarled as he made his way to the back door where Pope stood, “I’m out of here!” Pope blocked his way, sizing him up, “Sure that’s a good idea?” Deran’s eyes rose to his in challenge; Pope stayed as he was. After several tense minutes, Pope finally let him through; they both knew he could’ve made Deran stay if he wanted to.

Deran hollered for Breaker behind him, not slowing down until he reached the Scout; even Breaker had known not to size Pope up.

He sat in the Scout fuming, his hands on the gearshift when his phone beeped. Pulling it out of his pocket, he saw there was a new text from Adrian: _I’m staying at my parents’ house for the weekend._

Deran’s heart raced. Adrian was in town, _now_.

If he was texting Deran, it meant he was open to seeing him. Deran flipped a quick U-turn in the middle of the road, hitting the gas hard as he headed to the place he’d abandoned months ago.

~

Breaker made himself at home, jumping up onto the couch in his favorite spot. Deran glared at him, “Guess you’re not gonna be much help.” Breaker sighed heavily, burying his head under one of the pillows.

Ignoring his not-so-helpful partner, he went to work, flying all across the apartment. He threw dishes into the dishwasher, changed the sheets on the bed, stuffed the laundry in the closet—he didn’t know what was clean or dirty— and sprayed some kind of cleaning shit all throughout the place. Before he ran to the store to grab a few things, he shot Adrian a quick text: _Beer at my place? 1hr_. Adrian’s reply came a few minutes later: _Ok._

Deran picked up some beer and snacks along with some gauze to help with the bleeding from his slight busted lip. When he got back to his place, he hopped into the shower, dressing in a pair of black jeans and a red t-shirt after. He slicked his hair back with some gel, and cleaned the cut on his lip best as he could.

He spent the next hour or so pacing the apartment; Breaker joined him halfway through. When the doorbell _finally_ rang, signaling his arrival, both he and Breaker jolted to a halt. Breaker broke out of it first, howling at the door in his eager tone. Deran looked down to him, “Who is it boy?” Breakers head tilted, his tail wagging furiously, begging Deran to open the door. Deran twisted the knob, pulling back until the door opened. As always, Breaker immediately leapt for Adrian, tackling him to the ground as he licked at his face excessively.

Adrian was laughing, pulling Breaker closer to him as he ate up all the attention. Once Breaker settled down a bit, Deran stuck a hand out to help him up. Adrian clasped onto his hand firmly, letting Deran pull him up to a standing position.

Deran raked his eyes over him. He was wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and a fitted white t-shirt to match. During the summer Adrian had really bulked up, and it looked like he’d kept up the physique since. Adrian cleared his throat, startling Deran out of his trance. “Well unless you’re gonna give me the same greeting, maybe you could invite me in?”

Deran faked a cough to suppress the shock from his face, moving to let Adrian inside. He led them to the couch. There were two beers already waiting from them on the table; he grabbed one for himself, handing Adrian the other. They clanked them together before taking back large sips.

Breaker had settled at their feet as the silence surrounded them. There was an ache in the pit of Deran’s stomach; it was the same one splayed across Adrian’s face.

Deran nudged him with his knee, gaining his attention. “So, what’s up? You in town for Christmas?” Adrian smiled absently, “Sort of. Just didn’t want to spend my break alone again.”

Deran wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but Adrian had come here so that counted for something.

**-Adrian-**

_‘If I wanted to know who you were hanging with while I was gone, I would have asked you.’_

There was an awkwardness hanging in the air. Deran had started the conversation, though he clearly didn’t know how to respond to Adrian’s answer.

Adrian didn’t plan to see Deran his first night back. Jess and her ‘ _you know you want to see him_ ’ comments helped push that along.

It had only been four months since they had seen each other, _felt_ each other. Adrian’s fingers burned like he might burst into flames at any moment if Deran didn’t put them out with his touch. He had about a million questions he wanted to ask. The first one being, what happened to your lip? Followed closely by, why are you pretending you’ve been living here the whole time; it was too clean for Deran.

Before he could pick one, Deran suddenly blurted out, “I hooked up with other guys.”

Adrian furrowed his brows, letting them drop before turning to face Deran who was twiddling with his thumbs. Sternly, Adrian said, “Deran, I would’ve asked if I wanted to know.” _He didn’t_.

He let out a breath before continuing, “It’s not like we ever established what we were doing…” _or what we weren’t doing_ , he silently added. Deran pulled his injured lip in, biting at is as he nodded his head in agreement. “Yea well, just…thought you should know.”

Adrian shook his head up and down. He obviously hated when Deran was with other guys, it hurt; it was easier if he didn’t have to hear about it though.

_‘But if it’s all the same to you, it’s the same to me. So we could call it even, you could call me babe for the weekend.’_

“Look, let’s just forget about it ok? I’m sure we’ve both done things the other doesn’t want to know about.” Deran’s blues flicked up at that statement, his eyes searching over Adrian as if he could read his secrets in doing so.

Adrian had had his fair share of one-night stands, he was no prude, he just didn’t carry the guilt of them on his sleeve like Deran did. Adrian hooked up with random guys to fill a void, to feel closer to someone; Deran did it to stifle the pain, to silence his urges for Adrian.

He readied himself for the stream of questions—they didn’t come.

Deran sat unmoved, his attention unfocused. Adrian decided to change the topic before Deran got up the nerve to ask any of the questions he surely had.

“It smells like bleach in here man.” Deran softened next to him, chuckling slightly. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, “It was all I could find. Isn’t that the shit you use to clean with?” Adrian threw his head back in laughter, “Yea, but not for your whole damn house!” Deran tossed a pillow at him, “Well, whatever man. It’s clean yea?” Adrian eyed him curiously, “It’s _too_ clean. Looks like you haven’t been living here.”

Deran’s demeanor changed, his blues fading as he looked back down. “Yea, well maybe I haven’t been”, he mumbled from his side of the couch. Deran absently picked at the cut on his lip, flexing his jaw from the ache of it. Adrian thought back to the other question that had been nagging on his mind. Considering Deran didn’t lie to him, Adrian changed tactics, glancing up to his bloody lips.

“What happened there?” Without meeting his eyes, Deran threw out, “Craig’s an asshole.” Adrian snickered slightly; “You and your brothers always get along _so_ well.” It wasn’t the first time Deran had gotten into a fight with one of his brothers, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. It was more of the why that tugged at Deran; if he was living at Smurf’s, there was no telling what had been going through his mind these past months.

Deran didn’t offer anything more, much the same as with Adrian’s other question. Again, he hadn’t denied anything though. Progress was progress, no matter how small.

Scooting closer, Adrian stopped just as their knees bumped, Deran’s twitching slightly at the touch. It wasn’t usually his M.O. to make the first move, but Deran seemed to need some guidance tonight, especially considering his earlier confession.

Adrian tiptoed his fingers out until they connected with Deran’s which were sprawled on the cushion between them, linking them together. He looked up in time to connect his blues with Deran’s, their eyes lighting up in each other’s.

Deran made the next move, his discomfort dissipating with Adrian’s touch. Deran leaned in close, not stopping until his nose touched the tip of Adrian’s. Adrian welcomed Deran’s frisky lips eagerly, slipping his tongue into Deran’s open mouth. Their tongues slid into sync, wrapping around one another; Deran traced Adrian’s teeth with his tongue, licking in and out of his mouth. Adrian gasped into him, opening his mouth wider to let Deran in further.

Without warning, Deran was in his lap, pulling Adrian closer. Deran rocked his hips, griding down into Adrian; Adrian slipped his fingers under Deran’s shirt, sliding his thumbs under his waistband, hooking them there.

They continued their motions, easing back into one another after months apart. Deran pulled back abruptly; Adrian kept his fingers linked where they were. He waited as Deran’s blues looked him over. Deran licked where the cut had since opened, wiping the blood away; it was evident that he was overthinking everything, as he always did. Reaching a hand up, Adrian whisked away more of Deran’s blood using the pad of his thumb, wiping it on his jeans. Deran looked to him, blues blazing as Adrian brought him back down to him, raking his fingers through Deran’s long hair.

A low moan escaped from the back of Deran’s throat as he pushed himself closer to Adrian. Adrian leaned up, kissing over Deran’s adam’s apple. He moved his lips up to the tip of Deran’s ear where he whispered slowly, “I’m yours for the weekend.”

Deran froze where he was, tipping his head down to glance at Adrian. Adrian’s eyes were a _deep_ blue, giving Deran the only answer he needed. Fingers inched their way under his shirt, tugging it up and over his head. Deran dragged a hand down Adrian’s toned abdomen, his admiration apparent as his eyes skimmed him over. Adrian sucked in a breath as Deran’s tongue darted out over his nipples, sucking at the supple skin there. Adrian moved his fingers to Deran’s shirt, tugging it up until Deran ducked his head so he could pull it off. Their hands roamed over each other’s skin, rubbing at the sensitive parts as they went.

Moving his lanky fingers down, Deran stopped at Adrian’s belt buckle, unclasping it as he went. Adrian lifted his hips off the couch as Deran stood to kneel in front of him, sliding his jeans and boxers off simultaneously. His dick was already hard, leaking in anticipation. Deran ran a hand down his length, teasing Adrian slightly. He squirmed under Deran’s touch, already begging for more. He was practically panting by the time Deran took him in his mouth, gliding his tongue leisurely as he went.

Adrian used his hands to pull Deran closer; Deran swatted them away, tightening his grip where they lay on his thighs. As Deran sucked in and out at a tortuously slow rate, Adrian tried again with his hands, this time placing them in Deran’s slicked hair; he loved when Deran pulled it back like this. He kneaded them in, pulling when he had a tight grip. Deran threw his head back, a moan escaping his lips. Deran sucked Adrian down further once he’d reattached his lips, increasing his suction as he went. His tongue swirled around the head of Adrian’s cock, lapping at his slit. Adrian let out soft murmurs of pleasure.

When he knew he was close, Adrian pushed Deran’s head back slightly. His voice came out breathy, “Stop...I’m…gonna…” Deran cut him off with a playful kiss to the tip of his dick, making Adrian shudder; “Yea, that’s the point.” Adrian ignored him, snaking his fingers over to Deran’s pants, slipping under the hem with ease. He glanced down to Deran, his voice still coming out choppy, “Want you…inside me.” A wicked smile played over Deran’s face as he let Adrian strip him down.

With nothing else between them, Adrian reached in front of him to pull Deran up to join him on the couch, but Deran moved just out of his reach. He looked back to Adrian teasingly as he walked toward the kitchen. Hollering over his shoulder, Deran shouted, “Need beer! Kinda thirsty now.” Adrian rolled his eyes in annoyance, but got up to follow him. Deran handed him a beer when he entered, already having chugged back half of his own. Adrian raised a brow, “You couldn’t wait until _after_?” Deran shrugged his shoulders indifferently, “Should’ve kept my mouth busy Dolan.” Setting his beer down, Adrian backed Deran into the counter, taking hold of his cock before pulling him in for a rough kiss. Deran grunted at the touch, relaxing back into the counter. Adrian took his time, running his hand up and down Deran’s shaft, tightening his grip as he went. They kissed each other roughly, with a desperate need, a need that could only be filled by the other. Deran’s scruff brushed over Adrian’s lips firmly, scratching at the skin. Grabbing him by the waist, Adrian picked Deran up, placing him on the counter before he bent to suck him down. He gripped him at the thighs while Deran gripped the edges of the countertop, his eyes rolling back as Adrian licked and sucked in all the right places. When he tried to thrust into Adrian’s mouth, Adrian held him firmly, not letting him take over just yet.

He trailed kisses down Deran’s inner thighs, leaving his mark all along. Deran grabbed for Adrian, bringing him back up to meet his mouth. Their blues came together, Deran’s looked wild. “No more games.” Adrian’s brows raised as in ‘oh yea?’. Sliding off the counter, Deran turned Adrian around and pushed him gently up against the countertop. He dropped his head back, resting it in the crook of Deran’s shoulder. One of the drawers next to them was pulled open as Deran dug out a bottle of lube and a condom. Adrian looked up to him, “Classy.” Deran’s hot breath was in his ear whispering, “Only for you.” He hoped that was true.

He held onto that thought as Deran slicked his fingers. One finger, two, and finally three. They twisted in and out of Adrian making scissoring motions as Deran opened him up. Just as they had a rhythm going, Deran pulled them out and ripped open the foil packet. Adrian’s dick was hard against the counter, leaking down the cabinet in anticipation. A gasp escaped him as Deran found his hole and slid in, not stopping until he was fully seated. Deran moved in and out of him with fast motions, too pent up for anymore foreplay. It was Adrian’s fingers that dug into the countertop now as Deran thrust harder. His hands reached back, grabbing Deran at the hips to pull him closer. A deep moan escaped him as Deran hit his prostrate, nearly bringing them both over the edge. Deran placed kisses down his spine, biting at the skin as he went. He snaked a hand around to Adrian’s front, leaving his other clasped at Adrian’s waist. Gripping Adrian’s length, Deran began pumping up and down as he increased his own movements inside of Adrian. Adrian pushed into the counter; he reached a hand back to find Deran’s head, tugging on his mane roughly. Deran groaned low in his throat, throwing his head back as he tightened inside Adrian, finishing just before Adrian did.

Adrian slumped into the counter while Deran fell into him, both exhausted from their movements. Their bodies heaved up and down as they tried to slow their breathing. After their bodies stopped trembling, Deran gently pulled out of Adrian. He reached into another drawer, grabbing a towel to wipe them off. Adrian flinched slightly at the touch, still sensitive from what they’d just done. Throwing the towel to the ground, Adrian felt Deran turning him around until their blues met again. He leaned in for a kiss, Deran coming to him easily.

Deran’s blues lit up the dark room as he asked, “Ready for round two?” Adrian let the smile play out on his face as Deran dragged him to the bathroom, and into the shower.

**-Deran-**

_‘We could just ride around. Sleep in half the day for old times’ sake.’_

After another round, or two, or three—Deran had lost count—they had finally made it into the bed, tucked around each other warmly, Breaker in his usual spot at Adrian’s side.

They laid there in silence, both too restless to sleep. Deran’s mind wouldn’t shut off and he could feel Adrian’s eyes roaming _all_ over him, too afraid to say whatever he was thinking _._ When Adrian turned on his side to face him, Deran did the same. Adrian eyed him wearily, though Deran gave nothing away. Adrian’s hand reached out to rub a thumb over his favorite mark, the one that had healed long ago. Deran flinched slightly, fighting the urge to pull away. He knew what Adrian was going to say before he said it.

“You never did tell me what happened that night.” A heavy sigh escaped Deran’s lips, his blues dropping. “You know I can’t.” Adrian eyed him sternly, “ _Can’t_ or _won’t_?” He saw Adrian bite at his lip, regretting his question instantly, before he turned away facing his back to Deran.

Deran puffed out a hefty sigh. He flopped a hand over his face as he moved to lay on his back. Deran took a few moments to think, clear his mind. When the silence became almost unbearable, he cleared his throat, huffing out one last sigh.

“I was in charge of scouting out the security–I fucked up. Craig fucked up the timings and Pope and Baz got stuck. Everything just went to shit man.” Adrian shifted on the bed slightly, still not facing him; he was probably too scared to see who Deran _really_ was.

“I don’t really remember what happened, just that I go whacked in the head pretty good and Baz didn’t make it out in time.” Whether Deran had blocked that memory from his mind or forgotten due to his head injury, he was glad it was gone. He took a breath before deciding to continue, his fists clenched tightly at his sides.

“Smurf’s _never_ let me forget it man.” His fists dug into the sheets; “I fuck up everything though, so none of this should surprise you.”

He sat up then, placing his legs to hang off the end of the bed, his head down in his hands. Adrian was there all at once, leaning into Deran, resting his head on his shoulder. “You don’t fuck up _everything_ ,” Adrian said, adding a nervous laugh at the end.

Deran looked up to him then, a seriousness touching his eyes. “I fucked us up. You’re only here for the weekend…”

It was Adrian who sighed this time, “D, that’s not what I meant. I–” Deran cut him off, “Yea, but that’s what you said.”

Deran stood to move from the bed, his mind clouded with too many thoughts. Adrian gripped him from behind firmly, pulling him back down to the bed. Deran sat starring at him blankly; Adrian fidgeted with his mouth, making it difficult for Deran to concentrate. Looking up to him, Adrian finally spoke, “Look, all I meant was that I’m only in town for the weekend and I wanted to see you.” Then quieter, “I _always_ want to see you.”

Deran licked his lip where it was still sore from is earlier fight and scrubbed a hand through his long hair. He hated fighting with Adrian, hated being mad at him, especially when they never had enough time together.

After several long, still minutes, Deran managed, “Ok.” Adrian took Deran’s hand in his, pulling him back onto the bed. He let Adrian wrap his arms around him, letting his head fall to Adrian’s chest. Their arms and fingers were intertwined over Adrian’s chest; their legs tangled further down. Adrian bent to kiss Deran on the head softly, nosing into him. Deran breathed him in, his body calming slightly. He whispered into Adrian’s chest, “I just want us to be ok.” It wasn’t the first time he’d spoken those words to Adrian; he only hoped they could be true this time.

Almost as quietly as he had the first night they spent together, Adrian said, “We are D. We’ll figure it out.”

He snuggled closer into Adrian, Breaker’s nose almost touching his where it also lay sprawled across Adrian’s chest. Adrian dug his fingers into Deran’s tightly, grounding them there.

Still not ready to sleep, Deran muttered, “What should we do tomorrow?” When Adrian didn’t answer, he added, “We could just drive around…go somewhere?” Adrian’s head shook above his, “I just wanna stay here in bed, with you.” He rubbed at Breakers head, “Both of you.”

Deran hummed in agreement. Adrian’s breathing picked up after that and Deran knew he was fast asleep. He closed his blues, trying not to think about how little time they had left together.

Tugging Adrian impossibly closer, he drifted off to the sounds of his steady breathing, wishing the weekend would last forever.

**-Adrian-**

_I won’t ask you to wait if you don’t ask me to stay”_

Sunday morning came w _ay_ too soon. School wasn’t exactly starting back up the next day, but it was the agreement Adrian had made with himself—one weekend, just _one_. If he stayed any longer, he’d never leave; he wasn’t ready to make any life changing decisions at this moment.

Deran’s head was still resting over his chest, Adrian’s arms tucked closely around him. This was when Deran was the most peaceful; his worries subsided, no frown or wrinkles creasing his beautiful face. Adrian could watch him sleep forever; he was his favorite person to wake up to.

Adrian’s mind wandered back to last night. He never expected Deran to open up to him about the job, even if he hadn’t given him all of the specifics. It was certainly a step forward in their relationship; Adrian hoped things would continue that way.

Deran stirred in his arms, flinging out of Adrian’s arms as he bolted upright, panting, eyes wide. His arms flailed out, grasping onto Adrian; “Adrian, you’re here.” He looked to Deran with concern before Deran continued, “I thought-I thought you left already.” His blues were wide with panic as he pulled Adrian to him frantically. Adrian latched onto him, whispering words of comfort into him. They sat like that for a few minutes until Breaker came to join the party, jumping onto the bed and nudging his way in-between them. Adrian eyed Deran slyly, “Maybe it really was Breaker who missed me.” Deran shrugged his shoulders, winking as he said, “We can both lick your face and see who does it better?” Adrian eyed him carefully, raising his brows, “Tempting.” Deran stood from the bed stretching his arms up over his head, “Don’t say I didn’t offer.” Adrian scoffed at him as he walked out of the bedroom, towards the kitchen. Once he heard Deran rummaging around out there, he went to find him, Breaker tagging along.

Deran was at the counter, back to Adrian as he fiddled with some breakfast fixings. Adrian stepped up behind him, leaning in close. He darted his tongue out, licking a trail from the base of Deran’s neck up to his ear. Turning into the touch, Deran dropped the food, reaching behind him to pull Adrian closer. Deran was breathy as Adrian leaned closer, whispering, “I thought it would be more fun to lick you.” His hand reached down to grasp Deran’s length; his pleasure already apparent.

Deran spun around, picked Adrian up, and marched him over to the couch where he threw him down playfully. Adrian looked up to Deran who bent over him, a sinister smile spread across his face. Adrian flexed as Deran slipped his tongue out over his chest, tracing his freckles up until he reached Adrian’s lips. He slipped them slowly over Adrian’s, savoring every taste.

Adrian pushed his own tongue out to meet Deran’s, teasing at it slightly, before opening his mouth to let in an eager Deran. He found Deran’s cut from the night before, his tongue slipping out to swipe over it, copper flooding his senses as the blood dissipated in his mouth. Deran groaned into him, pushing his body weight over him. Adrian pulled him closer, flattening their bodies together as their tongues slid into place against each other.

That’s how most of their morning and the rest of their day went, slipping _in_ and _out_ of the other.

~

Adrian had agreed to stay until six o’clock’ Sunday night, which was now fast approaching.

They were laying on the couch; Adrian sat on one end while Deran lay on the other, his feet resting safely tucked upon Adrian’s lap. The tv was on in the background, neither of them paying it any attention.

Deran broke the silence first, “How long this time?” Adrian knew without asking that Deran wanted to know when they would be able to see each other again, aka—how long would he be gone for?

He wanted to answer him honestly, he just didn’t know how; he wasn’t even sure what the answer was.

Deran tried again, “What if I fuck up again?” As in, what if I slip back into my self-hatred and screw any dick that comes my way? Adrian knew he didn’t mean it; it was just what Deran did; it was what he needed until the cycle was broken.

Adrian let a few minutes pass before looking to him, catching his sharp blues in the reflection of the sunlight. “Just don’t ask me to stay. _Please_.” Deran looked to him, his fiery eyes squinting as he sucked in his lower lip.

_‘I escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave? But if it’s okay with you, it’s okay with me.’_

Deran didn’t say anything for the longest time. He sat unmoved; Adrian did the same. There wasn’t anything more Adrian could offer, not if he wanted to keep their relationship honest.

Deran was still looking off into space when he said, “I used to be the good one at escaping. Guess you got good at it watching me leave all those times.”

Adrian didn’t know what to say to that, other than it might be the most truthful thing Deran had ever said. Deran’s blues found his, locking onto them as he spoke his next truth, “Look A, if it’s cool with you, then it’s cool with me.”

Adrian let out a breath he didn’t realized he’d been holding. They were giving each other a pass; Deran was telling him to go but not like the last time. Deran was saying Adrian was free to come and go in his life, though it didn’t mean that he liked it. They would never be content without the other; they’d just ran out of ideas to keep the other around.

_‘And the heart I know I’m breakin’ is my own…to leave the warmest bed I’ve ever known.’_

Six o’clock, time to go.

Adrian knew he was responsible for his own heartache, a little of Deran’s too.

Glancing around the apartment, he took mental snapshots of all the memories he’d made there with Deran the last few days, and in the past. It was no wonder why Deran went back to Smurfs; he wouldn’t want to be alone here either.

Squeezing Deran’s legs gently, he removed them from his lap before standing up and making his way to the bedroom, where he began packing up. He looked to the bed knowingly; every bed he shared with Deran became a warm soothing place, one he never wanted to leave.

With his bag packed, he returned to the living room where Deran still lay on the couch, Breaker now on the other end.

_‘And wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I’m fakin’_

He went over to Breaker, kneeling down to scratch at his ears and belly. Breaker’s blues matched the other two pairs in the room, dark and clouded.

Adrian looked up to Deran wo was already looking his direction, watching him as if to commit him to memory. They smiled weakly at each other, knowing they were both faking it for the other; Adrian already missed his genuine smile, feeling like he was responsible for this forced one.

Deran rose from the couch, moving to the door wordlessly. Giving Breaker one last pet, he followed Deran, stopping just steps in front of him.

Adrian breathed out anxiously, “Well, guess this is-” Deran cut him off brashly, “Don’t.”

Deran’s eyes skimmed over him, coming to a rest, even with his blues. He spoke pointedly, “No more P.S., right?” A genuine smile touched at the edge of Adrian’s lips. He nodded his head in agreement, “Right.”

Deran pulled him in close, enclosing his body securely around Adrian. They held onto each other until it hurt too much, both physically and mentally. Deran swiped at the tears Adrian hadn’t noticed were seeping from his eyes.

Bringing their foreheads together, Deran brought his hands up to cup Adrian’s jaw, tilting it down to meet his lips. Their kisses were searing as their lips molded together, burning their passion into one.

When they pulled apart eventually, their lips were red and aching. They faked another set of smiles; Adrian wondered if Deran could see it too. He squeezed Deran’s fingers lightly, their blues connecting once more. Adrian left without another word, only unspoken truths between them.

Once he was in his car, he began to drive away, holding tightly onto his memories.

He would be back; everything always led him back to his hometown, back to his home–his home was wherever Deran was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh let me know what you think!! The final TWO chapters are coming up next!! I'm excited for everyone to read them (:
> 
> Thanks so much for reading; much love to everyone who's been reading along ❣
> 
> [Tumblr](%5B%0A<a%20href=)


	16. Impossible pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the next couple of years, Adrian and Deran try to figure out what they want to do with their lives. If they ever want to make it together, they have to figure out how to better themselves first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, we have officially reached the beginning of the end 😬 I can't wait for ya'll to read these last two chapters!!
> 
> Enjoy!!

****

**-Adrian-**

Adrian went back to school; not because he wanted to but because he _had_ to. School was the _one_ consistent thing in his life and he needed something that could be his and his alone.

He sent Deran a letter sometime during his first week back, knowing they couldn’t handle hearing each other’s voices. Adrian kept things neutral, asking how Breaker was doing and what Deran had been up to. Deran’s response came the week after; Adrian tore it open almost immediately, desperate for a distraction from his never-ending thoughts.

Deran talked mostly about Breaker, not mentioning anything too personal. It was then that Adrian suddenly felt like he needed another distraction, something more meaningful. They could generally be more open with their letters—honest; lately it seemed like they were writing them out of an obligation, as if they didn’t know what else to do.

Everything between them was always an endless cycle; neither of them willing to change it. It was always who would go after who and which one of them would run away next. Adrian was sick of it; he needed a change.

He spent the next several months putting all of his energy into surfing, determined to make the tour again. School was put on the back burner, though he decided to finish out the semester.

Adrian didn’t exactly have a lot of money coming in, so he picked up shifts at a local surf shop whenever he could, saving his money for future expenses. The call came mid-May that he landed a spot on the tour which would start in June. He couldn’t have been happier; his hard work had _finally_ paid off for once.

He wrote a letter telling Deran all about it, regretting it once he received Deran’s response. Deran wanted to join him again, like the summer before; that wasn’t part of Adrian’s plan. Adrian tried to let Deran down gently, writing back that he needed to do this alone; he was going all in, giving a go at becoming pro. The follow-up letter from Deran wasn’t as awful as he’d imagined, though he could still sense that Deran was sad.

_‘Hey,_

_Think its hella cool u wanna go pro. Ur gonna be awesome man. I no the sponsors will be lining up for u. wish we could be there with u but its cool…u gotta do this on ur own…I get that. Just don’t forget about me when u go all pro and get all famous and shit. I mean otherwise Ill just have to start raffling off all these autografs I have from these letters (;_

_U no ur gonna do great right? Just let the waves guide u, u no how to do the rest._

_-D_

_P.S. Breaker will be really hurt if he’s not ur official sponsor dog’_

Adrian couldn’t help but smile at his words; he never realized how much he needed them until he was reading them. He didn’t need Deran’s approval; it was the support he was seeking. Deran believing in him gave Adrian the remaining courage he needed to leap into this new adventure.

As he left his condo, heading away from college, he didn’t look back. It was time to move forward, time to create new patterns.

He could start here and work his way up to Deran, to home.

**-Deran-**

The months after Adrian’s weekend visit seemed to blend together, all fading into one.

When Adrian wrote to him that he was going pro, Deran couldn’t have been prouder. It was something Adrian had always wanted; he’d worked so hard for it. He didn’t expect Adrian to say he couldn’t come along though. It didn’t seem like Adrian was pushing him away, only that he needed to do this for himself. Deran could understand that, but the blow still stung.

Deran watched all of Adrian’s comps, no matter what time of the day it was; some might call it obsessive, he called it supportive. He would bet anyone on Adrian wining; it wasn’t about the money; he just knew Adrian was _that_ good.

His life had become watching ESPN and helping his brothers with jobs; it wasn’t healthy, but it kept him sane—mostly. Breaker would sit right there with him, watching their boy surf; Breaker howled every time Adrian won or qualified for the next round.

They sent letters as often as they could, though the touring made it difficult since Adrian was constantly moving from town to town. Deran had managed to visit him a few times, surprising him without warning. Adrian never seemed upset, just surprised; he reciprocated the notion whenever he was near town and his schedule allowed.

In the months leading up to his twenty-first birthday, Deran decided he needed to do something for himself; he needed somewhere to escape like Adrian.

He saved almost all of his money from the jobs, setting some of it aside for future supplies. Once he had enough saved, he made the purchase and began spending all of his free time fixing it up. When his brothers nagged him about it enough, he finally told them what he’d been up to, letting them help with some of the work after.

Deran moved his stuff to his new place; he was ready to be on his own and away from Smurf once and for all.

He was filing through his box of letters from Adrian and pictures they had taken over the years, including ones from their trip last summer. Pope walked in the back door unexpectedly, Craig close behind him. It was his gut instinct to shove the lid on the box and toss it to the side, though something held him in place.

Pope nodded toward the box, “Those from Adrian?” he asked matter of factly, like he already knew. Deran looked between his brothers, unsure of how to respond; their faces held neutral.

He sighed inwardly, meeting their gazes as he came out with a, “Yea.”

Craig punched a fist into his own hand, hollering out, “About damn time bro!” Pope simply shook his head, looking to Deran knowingly. Deran’s brows furrowed, “Wait, you guys knew? _Both_ of you knew?”

Craig came up to him, clapping a hand to his shoulder firmly, “Bro, we weren’t sure if _you_ knew.”

That got them all laughing; even Pope cracked a tiny smile. Craig went out to grab them beers to celebrate; Pope stayed where he was. Deran cleared his throat nervously, “So, how long have you known?” Pope shrugged, “Probably longer than both of you.” Deran chuckled, “You could’ve told me, asshole.”

They didn’t say anything else and Deran was ok with that. He was happy to have that weight off his chest; he could be himself now, the person he’d always wanted to be.

Craig came back with the drinks and they toasted to Deran and his new place. After a few beers and stories were swapped, Craig looked at Deran with a seriousness, his face knotted, “So, you gonna tell Smurf?”

Deran suddenly felt as Craig looked, his insides turning. He thought about living in his self-hatred and refused to spend _one_ more day that way. Smurf couldn’t control him anymore; he wouldn’t let her.

Looking between them, he finally stated, “She’ll be here tonight.”

The brothers shook their heads knowingly; after tonight, he would be free.

**-Adrian-**

A few weeks had passed since his twenty-first birthday, Deran’s having passed the week before. Adrian had invited Deran out to join him, though he’d declined, saying he wanted to but just couldn’t get away at the moment. He figured that was code for, he couldn’t get away from their current ‘Smurf assignment.’

The tour life had been excellent. Sponsors came at him left and right; the better he did, the more he obtained. Adrian loved being able to travel all over the world, doing the thing he loved. It was a lot of hard work and long hours, but they’d been worth it. He finally felt like he was where he was supposed to be, though there was one thing missing—well two technically.

His newest letter from Deran had arrived at his hotel earlier in the day while he was out competing and he finally had the chance to sit and read it.

A picture fell out form the envelope alongside the letter; he set the picture aside for last, as always. Deran’s words flooded into his mind, calming him like only Deran could.

_‘Hey A,_

_Man u have been killing it out there! Breaker loves watching u compete. He howls at the screen and everything…swear he’s to smart for me._

_Well member when I got him? I kinda did another thing…something bigger than a dog._

_I no u always thought it was a joke but I was serious, just didn’t no it back then. I saved up all my money and bought it all on my own._

_My bros helped me with fixin it up and all. Speakin of, guess they knew about me all along…about us._

_I no were not really an us or whatever right now but…just wanted u to no. Maybe u had the right idea all those years ago, I just wasn’t ready till now._

_Yea so, but u should check out the pic, lemmie no what u think?_

_-D_

_P.S. I told her, I told Smurf’_

Adrian about dropped the letter reading that last line. Not only had Deran come out to his brothers, but he told _Smurf_? He could only _imagine_ how that conversation had gone.

Deran admitting who he was and who he wanted to be with was a step Adrian _never_ thought he’d take, at least, not anytime soon. All he wanted was for Deran to be content in his own skin; he hated to see Deran having to hide from his own self.

Once he managed to get past that part of the letter, he picked up the picture, flipping it over to reveal the image. There were lots of chairs, tables, and games, with broken surf boards lining the walls. Adrian looked closer at the counter, spotting the alcohol beyond it. He chuckled to himself; that fucker _really_ did it. The stupid abandoned bar they’d found themselves in all those years ago after Deran got injured, was finally back up and running. Deran had joked about it that night and all these years since; Adrian never thought he was serious.

He smiled proudly, flipping the picture back over to read the writing on the back: _Broken Boards Bar_. Adrian liked the name and thought it suited the bar well; Deran seemed to have a knack for unique names.

Thinking of everything he and Deran had accomplished over this last year gave him hope for their future(s) for maybe the first time. It seemed like they needed to work on themselves separately before they could work on them together.

~

The next year flew by. Adrian went all over the world, the sponsors taking him near and far.

It was difficult to keep in touch with Deran, though they sent letters as often as they could, seeing each other whenever their schedules allowed. Deran had become busy with his bar, working his jobs on the side. Adrian wished he’d just go legit and put everything into the bar; he was still a Cody at heart though.

On the rare occasion when letters and seeing each other weren’t physically possible, they would talk over the phone. Most of the conversations went ok, and Adrian usually felt better hearing his entrancing voice after a long day, although lately they’d both been a little heated.

They hadn’t spent any real time together in months; not even on their twenty-second birthdays which had just passed.

It was August; Adrian had been on tour for over a year now, Deran’s bar having been open for about the same. Adrian was lying in his hotel bed for the week, his head pounding from the long day he’d spent out in the sun and on the water.

He answered Deran on the fourth ring, gritting his teeth as he readied himself for whatever argument they were going to have tonight.

“Hey,” Adrian did his best to sound friendly. Deran said the greeting back; Adrian hoped his didn’t sound as flat.

He could hear noises beyond Deran; he was probably at his bar. “Busy night?” Adrian tried for casual. Deran muttered back, “Mmhmm. Got a couple more hours.” Adrian nodded to himself, “Sounds like we’ve both had busy days.” Silence rang out on Deran’s end. Adrian knew what was coming and tried to stop the argument from instilling; “D, can we _not_ do this tonight? Just tell me how Breaker’s doing or something.” His attempt to diffuse the conversation fell flat as Deran’s heavy sigh came through the speaker. Deran’s voice turned sour as he spat, “I don’t wanna talk about our days or Breaker, or the fucking weather, or whatever bullshit. You haven’t been home in _months_!”

Adrian hadn’t made any promises to Deran, and vice versa. He was pleased that Deran was thriving so well at the moment, but he simply wasn’t ready to jump back into the chaos they always seemed to create. They couldn’t even seem to keep a phone relationship civil let alone a real one; not that he even knew if that’s what Deran wanted.

That’s what brought Adrian to his next words, the ones he always threw back at Deran when he made those claims; “And what would I be coming home to? Correct me if I’m wrong, but last we talked, you _still_ weren’t ready for a relationship.” Deran barley let him finish before he cut in with, “I told you I _don’t_ know what I _want_!” Adrian hit him right back, “Then why the _hell_ would I want to come home? It’s clear _you’re_ not ready for this, for us!”

Adrian could all but feel Deran fuming on the other end. Deran came back with his usual stance, “I want _you_. Can’t we just figure out the rest later?!” It was Adrian who sighed aloud this time. “It’s not enough Deran.”

Silence from the other end once more. Adrian was preparing to follow that statement with a ‘but’, when Deran came over the line again. “It never is for you. _Nothing_ I _ever_ do is good enough!” The phone beeped, signaling Deran had hung up, ending the call.

Adrian’s face filled with moisture as the tears ran down his face. None of their calls had ended this badly.

They were both _so_ afraid to do something wrong that neither of them wanted to give or take.

**-Deran-**

The hot tears stung his face faster than he could wipe them away.

They hadn’t ended a conversation like that in _years._ Sure, they’d had a couple rough ones as of late, but _nothing_ that heated.

Deran didn’t even know why he’d called him; all their conversations turned into arguments lately. They’d all but given up on the letters since Adrian was always on the move. Texts seemed pointless, while phone call proved to be too much.

He’d only wanted to hear Adrian’s soothing voice. It had been a long day with the current job he and his brothers had been working on and all he wanted was to escape into Adrian’s voice.

The bitterness came out when the fake talking started; Deran couldn’t take the pretending anymore. He didn’t know what he wanted, only that he wanted Adrian. Why couldn’t that be enough for him?

Deran had too much baggage to bring into an actual relationship, some of which he was still learning how to balance. The bar and independence it gave him took him away from Smurf, though not completely. Even if she wasn’t directing their jobs as much, she was still there, lurking behind every corner, her touch permanently seared into him.

Later that night, when he was lying awake in bed, he’d sent Adrian a simple, ‘ _sorry.’_ Adrian replied minutes later with, ‘ _me too._ ’ It wasn’t much on either part, though it told Deran that Adrian was just as distraught by their earlier conversation as he was.

He threw his phone away from him, fighting the urge to call him again; it wouldn’t do either of them any good.

~

The next few months passed by without much change. They stuck to texting, neither of them willing to entertain another phone call.

The letter came unexpectedly one November afternoon, delivered to his bar by the postman. Breaker sniffed at it excitedly as he always did. Deran went over to the couch where Breaker was now lying, resting his head on Breaker’s chest. His steady beats calmed Deran and he finally opened the letter.

_Deran,_

_I know things between us have been shitty lately, for lack of a better word_ **(he couldn’t think of one)** _and I hate that we’ve all but stopped talking. We’ve both spent so much time working on ourselves that I think in the process we forgot to work on us._

_I want you; I want us. But I don’t know what you want because you won’t tell me D._

_I’m sorry but it’s not enough. We’ve fought too hard to just let it go and fade into whatever. It’s been too many years of this Der; we have to figure this shit out before one of us breaks permanently._

_I have to finish up here, but I’m taking a break next week. I’m coming home Deran._

_I’ll see you soon—A.’_

That gave Deran about a week to obsess over what all that meant, plus he would spend the next week pacing until Adrian arrived.

He honestly didn’t know if it would’ve been better if Adrian gave him an exact day; either way he would be a wreck until he showed up. Deran had _a lot_ to think about.

Scooting closer into Breaker who nuzzled him from behind, he whispered, “At least I’ve always got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! 💙
> 
> So I think The Drop is a great name for the bar, but I always thought Broken Boards was perfect; it fits the atmosphere of the bar and the episode title as well. 
> 
> I'm not ready for this to end, but I can't wait for you all to read the last chapter! Until next week (; 
> 
> Come chat me up about these two on Tumblr

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm not finished with it yet, but have written a decent amount of chapters so I will post them as I edit them (: feel free to subscribe to stay updated with this series
> 
> Find me on tumblr: browney3dgirl6


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